Saturday, December 26, 2009

everything will be juuust... finnneeeeeee!!!!

Today at Mass I realized that everything is going to be just fine. Of course this doesn't give me much peace right now... at least not enough peace to get me to stop freaking out... but I think maybe realizing now how fine everything will be in the future, the future version of myself will feel more at peace.

Tonight at Mass, after receiving the Eucharist, I went into my heartroom and sat on Jesus' lap on a log on a beach and looked out at the sunset from across the ocean. And Jesus kissed me on the forehead and told me that everything was going to be just fine and that he believed in me and that he loved me. That was pretty cool. I liked it. I was sad to have to leave my heartroom. He didn't tell me to stop worrying so much because he had a plan... he just said that everything would be fine. And that was pretty comforting to me.

A lot of times I wish I knew what, exactly, the "plan" is. But then I wonder... maybe the plan really is that there is no plan. Maybe the plan is that God has given me a set of talents and desires and when I grow in my relationship with him, I'll figure out what to do with them so that I can best make him proud.

Maybe the issue isn't that if I make the wrong decision, I'll screw my entire life up. Maybe there isn't even a "wrong" decision. Maybe that's why all of my possible paths seem so right to me. Maybe as long as I do something, and if I do it for the glory of God, then maybe that's what God wants. Right?

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it. I've been putting way too much pressure on myself to be "correct." Especially since I truly believe that if I screw up, my entire life is doomed. That's no way to live.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

and honestly, I'm down like the economy.

Life is just so darn confusing. It's like Chicago weather: one day it's snowing (yesterday), and the next, raining, all day long (today). Who DOES that?! Do I want to be walking through the parking lot to Mass in the RAIN on Christmas Eve?? I don't think so. The worst part is that it's still at this borderline temperature between rain and snow, so basically all this rain we're getting is currently transforming all of our roads into gigantic ice skating rinks... which would be fun, if only our cars could be equipped with skates for their wheels. If only!

But you see, my life makes just about as much sense as the weather right now. How is it that my interests can change so much? Have I been living my life on the border between passions? Can I have the best of both worlds? What's with all the twisting and turning, God? Can't you just tell me what the stink you want me to do and reassure me for once, rather than lead me down a particular path and then tell me to go in the opposite direction? Hm? Is that so much to ask?

I love theology. A lot. I love the spiritual aspects of theology more-so than the doctrinal stuff. I'm pretty selfish with my theology--I try to make everything I learn relevant to my life, and if it isn't, then I just don't care about it. I mostly just don't like learning half the things a bunch of old stuffy theologians have to say in their silly textbooks. I want to see God beyond a bunch of biblical texts arranged by men with an agenda (which isn't to say that the Bible isn't authoritative because of this fact... it's just an observation). I love to be able to wait in line at the grocery store and see God reveal Godself in such magnificent ways there. I love to look at the simple things, reflect on them, pray on them, let those things draw me closer to God, and write about it. I do believe there is an obviously tremendous amount of wisdom in studying the Bible and being involved in the Church... and believe me, I am heavily involved in the Church community... I wouldn't have it any other way. I just also believe that it's not fair to put God in a church-shaped box. For crying out, we celebrate today the very fact that an infinite-sized God chose to become flesh. Even God doesn't want to stay up and out of reach like a full cookie jar to a five-year-old! God is HERE. And HERE doesn't just mean in one place... it means... HERE. Everywhere! When Jesus was born, it wasn't in the most obvious of places. It was in a manger, for Pete's sake. When I'm married and about to deliver my little bundle of joy, it's probably not going to be in a manger with a bunch of awful smelling farm animals.

I always have this inkling that I have this big mission to accomplish. I think I keep seeing glimpses of it but right now, I just don't know what it is. I only have a few pieces of the puzzle. I know I love theology, which is a piece, and I know that I love to write, which is another piece. I also love bus driving, serving others, being in relationship with others, making people laugh, and making people think... which are all important pieces. I just hate puzzles. I always hated puzzles. I don't have the patience for puzzles. Just when I think the puzzle is going to look one way, it turns out to be completely different, or I'm missing an important piece, or I realize that the picture on the box goes with a completely different puzzle because I'm the dumb ass who put the dang thing in the wrong box.

How is it that deciding to apply to DePaul gives me just as many strong feelings of excitement as applying to the JVC? How is it that living in Minnesota for the rest of my life sounds equally as appealing as living in Chicago for the rest of my life? How is it that no matter what fantasy I allow my mind to dream up, they ALL sound great? How the stink am I supposed to make a decision with that? Hm? I thought the deal was that when faced with a big life decision, you're supposed to go with your gut and with what makes you feel the most excited and at peace. What if they all make you feel excited? What if they all make you feel peaceful and unpeaceful? What if the part of me that truly desires to become a writer is the same as the part of me that truly desires to volunteer? What are my motives for volunteering? Were the fueled by the possible outcome of a scholarship? Does my indecision about pastoral ministry as a career path affect my decision to volunteer? Is that a bad thing? Am I bad person for that?

What if everything in my life has lead me up to this moment. Maybe there was a reason I started journalling after Kaile died and keep with it. There's a reason the pen-palling hobby stuck. There's a reason I won all those awards for writing in elementary school and junior high. There's a reason I did Writer's Week each year in high school. There's a reason I've had tiny reflections published in my church's bulletins. There's a reason I was asked to give witness talks and speeches in front of the entire congregation. There's a reason I was published in a text book that is currently being used in my high school district. There's a reason I wanted that creative writing minor and there's a reason why I didn't complete it. There's even a reason why DePaul stuck out to me so much my sophomore year of college, and why there are currently so many important people in my life who have graduated from there who keep singing its praises. There's a reason why every single person who has ever read any serious bit of writing I've done (I guess even including various blog posts) have told me that I should be a writer. There's a reason I've kept a blog since high school and there's a reason why when I start to write a short reflection or email, they always, without fail, turn into this long thing and I always apologize for writing so much but I just can't help it. There's even a reason why I love filling out forms so much. There's a reason why when I met this one friend in college, he told me right off the bat, "Your name sounds like it should appear on the cover of a book one day." There's a reason that I've met someone who wants to write a book, too, and who I am going to seriously get together with to accomplish this life dream.

My dreams of teaching or becoming an author always involve writing. I have something important to say and it's trying really hard to come out but I don't quite know how to express it... but everytime I write, I think I'm a little closer to it. I think I need practice. I think I should at least apply to DePaul. Perhaps I'll apply to both. I don't know what my heart wants right now. I think my heart might be in a honeymoon stage with the idea of applying to DePaul. I think maybe if a little time passes and I'm still interested in it, then I'll have a better idea. I hate waiting around. I hate being in the unknown. I just want to KNOW.

And I KNEW this would happen. I KNEW that the second I came up with a plan, God would show me something different. It alllllways works out that way, doesn't it. God just HAS to keep things interesting. Oy.

Anyway. Merry Christmas. Remember what the reason is for the season (Jesus). Though I'm not gonna lie, when my inner five-year-old came out tonight because I received the most presents... even though I hate the abundance of presents and I asked for nothing... I was genuinely excited to rip them open and brag about my loot. Right then.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

if snarky isn't a word.. it really should be.

Oh life and the curveballs you throw...

This always happens when I come down with a plan. And this was the plan--spend a year volunteering... give back to the community... gain experience... figure out what you want to do with your life... go to Loyola University for my graduate studies for either religious education or pastoral ministry.

Then I started questioning some more. Is that what you want? Furthermore... is that what God wants? What exactly is God saying? What has God been saying all along? Are you paying attention?

You see... for awhile now, I've been questioning this call I'm feeling to ministry. I don't know if I have the right gifts for it. In my experiences with ministry... at least as of recently... to be honest... I just don't think I've been doing well. I don't put my all into it. I love working with youth. But let's be real here. The ideas I have are generally not well received. I am not a great public speaker. I am shy. I don't have any experience... and the experience I do have with real ministry stuff... the stuff that goes beyond being an active participant... the stuff that involves paperwork and parents and planning (lots of p's there... it was perfectly planned)... I'm just not good at it. Okay? I'm not. I don't have the patience for that baloney. I hate it.

Furthermore... I live in my head a lot. It's not that I'm too lazy to do things... I'm just a very reflective person. I think a lot. I write a lot.

I just had a really long thought vomit session with a friend... and what came out of it is that maybe I've been preparing not only for an education in theology, but maybe, just maybe, I should seriously consider pursuing my writing. I have not met one person who has told me that I would not be a good writer. DePaul... the school I was drawn to sophomore year... offers a masters program in writing and publishing. This is all very do-able. This is so do-able I think it must have been planned. But God. How You throw me for a loop sometimes.

There's a lot more thinking about this that I would have written in this post... except I thought it over with said friend... and now I don't want to repeat it.

What do you think? Any particular thoughts and opinions?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Is "Squee" a word? Because whether it is or not, I'm going to use. it. SQUEE!!

Actually, now that I really look at it, I don't like the way the word "Squee" works typed out, nor do I think it really does an adequate job of describing the kind of excitement I'm feeling right now. I'm feeling very excited about a lot of things!! I don't even know where to start with my list, because they are all so very exciting... and it's not this huge list or anything... but still... I'm excited. I'm feeling joy. And then I realized... wow. It's been awhile since I've truly felt anything at all. At least not since Thanksgiving... thank you end-of-the-year Stress-zilla.

Anyway. For starters, tonight is my "up-all-night" party. It will mostly consist of me and Jesus... because I'm pretty sure none of my friends are the types who want to stay up all night with me. I suggested my idea of going to Perkins at 3:30 in the morning for breakfast and got enthusiastic initial responses... and then as the week sunk in they were not as enthusiastic about it. ha. Either way, I'm having an "up-all-night" party for one of the things that is making me so excited--because I'm going to go home via train!! Train!! I love trains!! I mean I hate that they're almost always late and that this one is coming at 5:15 in the morning... that's what the "up-all-night" party is for... because I hate waking up early and would rather just stay up all night long (one of my smarter ideas, of course). But still... I love trains. I meet the best people on trains. People want to sit and talk on a train. I'm not 50,000 feet in the air when I'm on a train. It's a long ride... about 10 hours... but it's a good ride. I don't get bored on the train. I can go to the dining car, or to the hang-out car (whatever the heck it's called). I can experience the joy of peeing on a train (it's a lot of fun... let me tell you... especially the part where I have to try and just stay on the seat because of how jerky the train can be on those tracks... I understand now why those bathrooms are so tiny... because if they weren't, you would probably fall off and that was just be awful. anyway. I am clearly off topic). Trains are just super fantastic. And I feel like I'm part of an old movie when I pull up at the train station, get off, and find my dad sitting there waiting for me after we have not seen each other in oh-so-long. The last time I took the train home, I sat near a man who kept saying, "Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup! I'm goin to da CHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!" over and over again. At least once every 10 minutes. Did it get annoying? Maybe after 3 or 4 hours. But those first few hours... he was actually pretty entertaining. Poor man had to suffer for days on that train all the way from Seattle... I think it's understandable if he was going a little crazy.

So that's reason one why I'm so excited. I'm going to be riding a train soon!! Wooooo wooooo!

I'm excited because Ashley, our current pianist for prison ministry, is going abroad next semester (which is *not* why I'm excited), leaving a place for a pianist to fill for prison Mass (which is *why* I'm excited)! I loved playing the piano all up through high school... I used to sit and practice for hours at a time, every single day. I played with the American Symphonietta and I played in band at school and I've played at Masses at church and I loved it. I fell out of love with it during the start of a difficult period in my life and I've only dabbled here and there throughout college. There has always been something to pull me back to it though... and now that I've been sincerely wanting to play again... this opportunity comes, and I'm taking it. I love going to prison for Mass, and I can get the days off work. Furthermore, I signed up for piano lessons this week and I've been planning music for liturgies the week before the actual Mass... so next semester it will just be natural you know... pick the music on Tuesday, practice it during some of my lessons, play it on Monday, repeat cycle. I'm a bit nervous about playing in front of everyone when I'm a little rusty... but I'm going to freshen up over break so hopefully I'll be singing a different tune by the time the semester starts up again. And I love prison and I love those guys at prison, and I'm excited for the opportunity to be able to go once a week instead of once a month.

I'm excited because the end of the semester is plainly in sight. The only thing blocking my way from freedom is a revision of a word vomit-type paper I wrote last night and my 8 page take home final essay/test from butt's class. And I will get it done before I have to go for work today at 5. I'm determined. I'm even going to squeeze in a workout for my sake before as well. I'm determined. And you have to understand... this has been the worst end-of-semester in the history of end-of-semesters. Last week alone I had: one test, one video-taped dance final, one journal, one final reflection paper, one e-folio, and two presentations (one 10-15 minute, one 30 minute) due... all of which I saved for the last minute... naturally. This week, I had my astronomy final and 10 page research paper due yesterday (that 10 page paper was baller... I locked myself up in the library and cranked it out in 4 hours), a final take home essay due today (which was technically due yesterday... but ain't no way I was going to do that by yesterday so I got an extension), and butt's take home final due Thursday. And now that the only things left are tweaking the final essay and my 8 pager... it feels so great. I truly believed I wasn't going to live to see this day, and now that it's here... oh man. Break is going to be so wonderful. My up all night party is going to be even more wonderful now that I can enjoy it instead of study through it. Life is good.

I'm excited for break. I'm excited for Christmas and New Years... I'm excited to see my family at my grandma's birthday part on New Years Eve... I'm not excited about not working because I need the money... but at the same time... I'm excited to have an actual break where I don't really have any adult responsibilities per say, you know what I mean, jelly bean? I'm definitely excited for my QUEST meeting on Sunday and for our presenting team mini retreat in January. I'm excited to see old friends and new friends alike. I"m excited to go back to my church, I'm excited to get to drive my mom's little box car around. I'm just excited for some good times with good people this break. It's going to be good.

I'm excited that I only gained .2 pounds this past week. I can't tell you how poorly I've been eating and little I've been exercising because of stress from finals... and I'm sad that I didn't and probably won't meet my goal of being under 200 by Christmas unless I get a major loss this next week of 4.2 pounds (which is double the recommended amount). However, if I work hard enough, I could be under 200 by New Years, or at least by the start of the semester, and I think that's a good goal to set for myself. Even though I've been gaining since Thanksgiving... I've still been experiencing many "off scale" victories... such as going into stores and realizing that extra larges are too BIG on me and that I need to go a size DOWN. This is completely new territory... I have been an extra large for as long as I can remember. And now... a large. This is amazing. And I fit into a pair of Gap jeans. I've never ever been able to fit into a pair of Gap jeans. These little discoveries have given me the motivation to pick myself up and start all over again. And I'm excited for it.

And, of course, it's advent. I should have been excited and preparing all advent season. It makes sense that I'm excited right now. What more is there to be excited about than the birth of Jesus? I mean really? It's a pretty big deal. :o) It's deserving of another post at another time. So for now... I'm going to eat a little something, then go to the library and get my stuff done. I'm excited! :o)

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I just wanted to make someone's dreams come true...

Tonight was awful. I gave one of the hands down *worst* presentations I've ever given. On the plus side... I'm done with that Godforsaken class at the SOT... but seriously... I wish I could have ended with more of a bang than this. It was just the epitome of awful. And I"m already so stressed out in that class to meet my prof's expectations when I have no clear cut example of what her expectations are... I have no idea what "grad school-level" is, and to be completely honest, no, I am not at grad school-level, even as a senior undergrad student. Okay? I have not had as much experience as the rest of my class in this level. I feel like I should be graded slightly different because of that. I mean. Not a lot. But I just need that extra help, you know? And when I asked for it, I did not receive it. But anyway. Awful presentation. I've been questioning what the heck I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life... and now I'm not so sure ministry is my calling. I don't even know if teaching is my calling if I can't even speak in front of the class like that. I guess in my defense... initially I was feeling confident... but when my partner started to get nervous I started to get nervous and then it all went downhill when I looked to my prof for comfort and got that blank stare from her... GOD I hate that blank stare... the one that shows she is clearly not listening because she thinks you're doing a shitty job. I still have this desire to pursue music and pursue my writing. I wonder if a theology major was a mistake. Maybe a minor would have been better. Maybe I should have majored in English. I don't know. I know there's nothing I can do about it now... and I don't completely regret it... but I wonder. Do I feel called to ministry simply because it's all I know?

I thought during class about taking this next year off. Just take it off. Get a job somewhere... anywhere... preferably a coffee shop... I've always wanted to learn how to make good coffee and I love the coffee shop atmosphere. Depending on how much I make and what I can afford... I'd like to take some random night classes... like floral arrangement, or cooking, or... I don't know... juggling flaming torches. Who knows. Just explore. Just learn. No pressure. Just figure out who I am.

In all my years here in Minnesota... I always felt like something big was missing. I have great friends up here and great experiences. I've taken classes I've loved and classes I've hated. I have a job I truly adore. I've grown in my faith here. But still. Something's missing. What is it? What's missing? Who am I?

I feel burnt out from all these years in school. I just want a sabbatical. I don't even know if volunteering would count as this. I feel like I should be rested before I can devote myself to someone in need. Furthermore... I feel like I should have more of myself figured out. You know what I mean? I would really just love a year off. Live with my family again. Cook for them. Be more involved in church. Figure out who I am. Learn and live and experience. Then figure out what I want to do. But I don't want anymore education right now. I just need a break. Is that reasonable? What do you think I should do?

Anyway. Tonight I had a shitty presentation and crisis of faith all in 3 hours. I received another 8 page paper that's due next week on a subject matter of which I am not completely sure I know what I'm talking about. But God knew exactly what I needed.

It was so simple. I was standing around waiting for the bus at Sexton when a girl came through and asked me if I was going back to St. Ben's and would like a ride. I've seen her before... I think I must have met her earlier... so I agreed.

On the way to her car she said, "You know, whenever I'm stuck waiting at Sexton, I always have this secret hope that one day someone will leave and ask me if I'd like a ride. I just wanted to do that for someone else." I just thought that was so profound. You know? Totally awesome. Just asking some complete stranger if they'd like a ride because you have always wanted that yourself and you do it because you know that if that were to happen to you, you would feel a great amount of joy. I think I would like to adopt that kind of attitude for the way I live my life.

Anyway. I promised myself that after eating this bag of M&Ms I would get to serious work on my Pauline Letters presentation (which I haven't started yet... oops). I'm not done with my M&Ms yet... but i really wanted to play Bingo on pogo.com... because I'm addicted to it. So bye.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Indeed.

Today I was looking through a friend's photo album of various photos she found on the internet that she enjoyed... and I happened across this one, and it got me thinkin':


What *would* I attempt to do if I knew I could not fail? Fear of failure holds me back from a ton of things. It holds me back from talking in class, trying something different, talking to someone new. If failure was no longer an option, and no matter what I did, I would succeed at in some way... what would I do?

I would definitely sign up for that Snowflake Shuffle... even despite that $20 entry fee. I would talk to every single person who sits next to me on the bus. I would go rock climbing at St. John's. I would share every opinion that I had in class. I would be completely myself. I would say exactly what I think and show exactly how I feel in almost all situations. There is so much freedom that comes with not being afraid of failure.

I'm not quite sure how to get rid of this fear though. I know that without it, I could succeed in so many ways. My dreams could become a reality! I would let the real Sara shine through! But oh, how paralyzing that fear is.

What would *you* do if you knew you could not fail?

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

if today was your last day... if tomorrow was too late... could you say bye to yesterday?

Today my roommate treated me to lunch at Gorecki, since I have but 2 lowly flex points left. Upon our arrival we were greeted by a friendly man in a hot dog cart with a big red umbrella on top that read, "Chicago-Style Hot Dogs!" I was a bit skeptical at first... anything that claims to be Chicago-style but is actually in some place that is not Chicago (aka--Minnesota) will probably be a poor representation of what Chicago-style really is. Nevertheless, I was still intrigued and slightly excited, and approached the man to receive a dog.

My Dad has been trying to get me to eat a Chicago-style hot dog for forever. Even though I grew up with plenty of opportunities to have one in the NW suburbs... I was always a plain Jane kind of girl. Plain dogs... plain beefs... plain burgers... plain pizzas. Plain, plain, plain. Every time I've gone with my Dad to get some dogs I've always gotten a plain one, and he's always given me crap for it.

Needless to say, today, I leaped out of the box in which I have been confined for so long. I grabbed a dog in a poppy seed bun and I put a pickle slice in there, two juicy red tomatoes, bright green relish, onions, and even a pepper (not two peppers... I didn't know if I'd actually like the pepper... but I wanted to try it anyway). I wasn't very generous with my toppings, but I tried them! And let me tell you... after that first glorious bite... all of the colors in that cafeteria seemed so much more vibrant! I felt so alive! And it tasted so wonderful! I wondered to myself how I could have gone so long without ever trying this. Oh, how my life could have been changed!

So naturally it got me thinking... which is something I do too much, I think. What else have I been missing out on just from being too afraid to try it? In what ways can I leap out of my box and really experience life as it calls to me?? What's stopping me?

Why don't I take that risk and start tackling that JVC application? Why don't I ask that boy to that dance? Why don't I go to the bars for country swing dancing? Why don't I introduce myself to more people... go to more on campus events... sit with more strangers at lunch who are sitting alone? Why don't I strike up a conversation with the person sitting next to me on the train/plane in stead of just putting my iPod into my ears? Why don't I ever really share anything about myself with friends... whether they're new friends or old friends? Why do I stick with the elliptical when I work out? Why haven't I tried that weight room? Why haven't I signed up for the Snowflake Shuffle? What is it, exactly, that I have to lose?

If today was my last day here on earth... would I be ready for it? Would I be able to die in peace knowing that I took the bull by the balls in life? Would I be proud of the fact that the reason I haven't experienced life in all it's glory is because I'm afraid of the outcome? I'm afraid of rejection... I'm afraid of my future... I'm afraid of looking like an idiot... I'm afraid that people won't like me... I'm afraid that I won't fit in... I'm afraid that when I get too close, my friends will leave me... I'm afraid of being flat out noticed by anyone. I've lived so much of my life just hiding in a corner... trying to blend into a wall. I shake off compliments if they are sincere, I put up a wall when I have to get close to someone, I try to give people reasons to not like me... so then I won't need to take any risks and I won't ever be disappointed or rejected. And that boy... you know, I'm at a point where the crush was fun, but now it's kind of like... well, you're either gonna shit or get off the pot. I'm either going to do something about it... or I'm going to keep waiting until someone else does something about it. But I'm just so darn afraid. Fear is really powerful. But fear is nothing. Fear is just this imaginary thing that has no real weight because it's not something that can be proven to be true.

The thing is that hiding behind all of these walls I've been so carefully building up isn't protecting me from anything. It isn't protecting me from heartbreak, rejection, sadness, or disappointment. Those things happen regardless of whether or not I do anything to bring about said feelings. So if I don't do anything and those feelings still happen... what's stopping me from doing something? What do I have to lose? The only thing the wall is creating for me is a sense of emptiness and that my life is passing by un-lived. The feeling of emptiness is worse than any kind of heartache. Emptiness happens when I'm not being true to myself... when I'm not letting my colors shine... when I'm not taking risks and trying new things and experiencing life for all it's worth.

So. I could ask the boy to the dance and he could either say yes or no, but at least I'll have asked. I could sign up for the Snowflake Shuffle and I could either finish it running or finish it walking, but at least I'll have signed up for it. I could try out the weight room and I could walk out looking like the Terminator or I could roll out because my legs won't work anymore, even if I don't do just as well as everyone else... and at least I got a start on it, and there's hope for improvement. I could go out to the bars and go dancing and I could either really love it, or really hate it, but at least I tried it.

I could have had a plain dog... but I tried the one with everything on it, and if I liked it I liked it... and if I didn't, I could have thrown it away. But I liked it. I wouldn't have known I liked it if I didn't try it. Perhaps the moral of the story is that if an opportunity presents itself... you really just have to seize it... because what wouldn't happen as a result of you not trying it at all is the real tragedy.

Friday, November 27, 2009

blast from the past!

Today I went for a run around Pat's Lake, which is just a couple blocks away from my house. Please notice how I said "run" instead of "walk"... BAM SUCKA! Anyway. I was on my second mile and taking a break/walking when I saw this tall gorgeous looking young man running on the opposite side of the lake in my direction... so I started to run again so I didn't look like a complete wimp. hahaha. And sure enough... that gorgeous young man was a boy I had a crush on from at least 3rd grade almost all the way up to high school. Holy cow... as a senior in college... he's just as much, if not more, gorgeous. I almost had a heart attack. I don't even know if he recognized me... but we did smile and say hello and I did this massive double take and watched him run away in the opposite direction. And then my calves started to cramp up like crazy as i ran a little further so I had to stop and stretch for a little... and then just walking I could start to feel them cramp up, so I had to walk slowly home. That was kind of a bummer. But oh man. I haven't seen that boy since at least graduation. Crazy. I can't believe someone could still be that gorgeous... I had great taste in men as a 3rd grader. No joke.
Anyway. Shower time. :o)

Thursday, November 26, 2009

oh hot damn... this is my jam... y'all don't understand... let me throw my hands in the ayerrrr

I don't know where the inspiration came from... but I tried on my prom dress from my senior year of high school tonight.

HOLY COW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I usually don't ever *seriously* talk about how good I look. But I look AMAZING!!!! Seriously!!! This is my serious face!!! I had a photo shoot in my dress. I even put on makeup again after taking it off for the night. I actually have WIGGLE ROOM in my dress!!! When I was a senior... this dress fit perfectly. I was almost spilling out the top of it. My boobs were definitely comfortable in it. But tonight I had to stuff my bra for the first time in my entire life, just to keep the top up (okay.. that kind of sucks... but at least I have a good reason for needing to). I can pull my dress back and see extra space! I can sit in it and still breathe. This is a gigantic milestone. I feel great. I lost a total of 35 pounds since May (40 since January!)... and I can actually see what all that hard work has done for me in this moment.

The rest of this post is going to be filled with pictures so you can see how good I look and I can showcase just how far I've come since January.





















Me... just lookin awesome.





















Classy picture.




















I'm trying to show how much space is in the back of my dress... but my arm didn't bend that way so it's hard to tell. But trust me... it's there.



















Classic "thumbs up" picture.



















My "Look-at-me-because-I'm-supa-cute" picture.




















Success!

I suppose I should get out of my dress and into my jammies... like was the plan about an hour and a half ago. My shoulders are gettin kind of cold anyway. Oh man.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

this just in: i'm turning into my mother.

And here is the proof:
So I wrote 4 out of 8 of my pages for my visions of ministry paper that's due last thursday/tomorrow for my grad school class... and i worked really hard on it and was really satisfied with it... when I got back to my apartment to work on it more after being in the library for 4 hours... I couldn't find it on my computer. I went into full panic mode... I kid you not.. sobbing... I haven't cried like that in FOREVER. Inconsolable. Awful. Eventually... after dinking around some more and praying to St. Anthony to help me find my stupid paper... I found it. And then I cried some more because of how completely stressed out I was over it and scared out of my mind of not getting any sleep whatsoever tonight... the first thing I did was clean out my wine glass and pour myself a nice big glass of white zinfandel. My paper will probably be much better with the wine. And I am officially my mother.

PS--just so you know... wine and doritos do not mix well. sad for me, because i want them both. simultaneously. okay. back to my paper...

Monday, November 23, 2009

I... Can't... Concentrate...

Yep. 8 page paper and astronomy homelab due tomorrow. I'm pretty sure I'll be more productive doing this survey.
**

If you had to pick one outfit that you currently own to wear for the rest of your life,
what would it consist of?
jeans, tshirt, flip flops. :o)

What do you think is going to happen to you after you die?
ultimately... heaven. however, i hope that i can be a ghost and haunt people for awhile. just because. and i hope Jesus would join me.

What TV show have you seen every episode of?
the office!

What movie can you quote every line to?
wayne's world. :o) excellennnt!!

What bands have you seen in concert?
plus one (YES!!! favorite!), relient k, hawk nelson, audio adrenaline, thousand foot krutch... some other christian-type bands. ooh. and hot hot heat... that was fun... especially with those hippies in front of us and their special little illegal item that they were smokin'... oh boy.

What bands would you like to see in concert?
PLUS ONE!! again!! hahah. i don't know. i like festivals. with multiple bands.

If you had the money to retire anywhere in the world, where would you go?
somewhere with a beach. :o)

Is there a piece of jewelry or something similar that if you lost, you would feel naked?
i feel naked without my class ring and my kairos cross.

What is one thing [appearance-wise or other] you would change about yourself?
i wish i had more confidence in myself.

One thing you would change about your best friend?
i wish she wasn't so fricking pretty. ;o) jaykayy. she's wonderful the way she is. :o)

Everyone remembers their first birthday party that involved friends. Describe yours.
oh boy. pin the tail on the donkey was definitely involved. i don't remember much from it. but really... what more do i need to remember aside from pin the tail on the donkey?

What do you think is the perfect age and why?
under 10. i dont' want to be an adult!!!

If you could go back in time and change your first kiss, would you?
lol. you know what? i wouldn't. haha.

How many times have you said “I love you” to someone of the opposite sex [romantically] and meant it?
none.

How many times have you said it and not meant it?
ive never said it to anyone romantically.

Which member of your family has the biggest influence on your life?
mom. definitely mom.

If you won a $1,000 shopping spree to one store, what store would you want it to be?
jc penney! it's a one stop shop for all of my clothing needs!!

Which is your favorite comic book movie [The Hulk, Spiderman, Ironman, etc]?
oo. i liked ironman.

What do you think this phrase means: “I am drearily bloodletting this bedwetting cosmonaut”?
your mom!!!

If you could go back in time and relive one memory – relive it, not change it – what memory would it be?
the one time it was my birthday and we had a lock in at church and the boy i had a crush on was there.... he totally made me feel like i was floating and the ceiling was the only thing stopping me from just floating off the face of the earth. that boy. oh man. great day.

How old were you when you learned how to ride a bike?
i don't know. 2nd grade? maybe? average age?

Who taught you?
mom and dad

When you go to the movies, do you like to get candy or popcorn?
raisinets all the way!!

Describe the first real party you ever went to [i.e. first party with alcohol].
ha. um. i've never actually been to a house party-type party. i've been to a few political parties, back in the day. ;o)

If you’ve never been to one, explain why not.
it just never appealed to me. wasn't my scene. you know what i mean, jelly bean? (that was a lot of rhyming)

Did/do you like high school? Why or why not?
for the most part, yes. i didn't have many things *against* it... so sure, i liked it. ha.

Do you have ONE best friend, who stands out among all the others, that’s been there for you seemingly forever?
yep. and i've never met her.

If so, who is it?
my facebook wife. we've been writing letters to each other since i was 9 or 10 and she was 12 or 13.

If not, do you prefer having just a group of good friends, or would you like to have that one best friend?
both. :o)

Do you prefer the sound of electric, acoustic, or steel guitar?
acoustic. though i've never heard a steel guitar... hmmm...

Have you ever read the Bible – even just a little part of it?
dude. theo major.

Have you ever read the Koran?
no! but it's on my list!

What was the best pet you’ve ever had?
i've only had fish. they've all sucked. haha.

Out of all the states you’ve visited/lived in, which is your favorite?
i like the east coast a lot.

Do you enjoy jigsaw puzzles?
NO. i HATE them!!!

If you were allowed one murder without punishment, would you do it?
no.

Where do you keep your wallet when you’re out and about?
who knows. haha. on the floor in my room somewhere. i usually carry my debit card and license with me.

Have you ever seen a ghost?
not that i know of.

How about seen things happen that you think were caused by a ghost?
not that i know of.

Did you have Beanie Babies as a kid?
of course.

Did you have tag protectors for their tags, or did you just rip the tags off?
no tag protectors... but i left the tags on.

Do you prefer stripes or polka dots?
i prefer to mix them!

What’s the best Christmas present you ever received?
hm. deoderant. secret clinical strength (at least... when secret clinical strength actually worked on my pits)

Which of your birthdays was the most memorable?
my sixteenth.

Name one song you can play on an instrument – any instrument.
clair de lune--piano. :o)

Who taught you to play that song?
myself!

Out of all the teachers you’ve had, who had the biggest influence on you?
mr. patton. hands down.

Have you ever ridden on a motorcycle?
no.

How about a moped?
nope.

When you were little, what was your favorite Disney movie?
beauty and the beast. lion king. rawrr.

What’s your favorite Disney movie now?
beauty and the beast. lion king. rawrrr. :o)

On the opposite sex, do you prefer muscles, average size, or scrawny body?
average.

What’s the best gift you’ve ever received from a significant other?
haha. um. i got a sims expansion pack for my birthday. that was awesome. i totally forgot i had friends and a social life for like, a month after. that was a bit of an exaggeration. but there's some truth to the exaggeration.

What’s your favorite kind of chips?
baked layssss.

That you know of, do you have any famous ancestors?
well. my ancestors came over on the mayflower. does that count?

Did you ever beg your parents for a pony?
no. pony's poop too much and i'd have to clean it up.

Is there someone you’ve been enemies with since you were little, and it’s never changed despite growing up and becoming more mature?
not really.

What laundry soap do you think smells the best?
i like tide. :o) but i mostly like bounce. and that's not a laundry soap.

Do you prefer Spongebob or Patrick?
i prefer sandy cheeks.

If you’re currently dating someone, would you be ready to elope with them right now if they asked?
-

If you’re not dating someone, can you think of one person that you would elope with right now if they asked?
brad pitt! baha

Who do you think is the hottest actor/actress in Hollywood right now?
edward cullennnnnnnn!!! hahaha. jk. i still like good ole george clooney. and brad pitt. and sure, why not orlando bloom. i've had a crush on that one for awhile.

Have you ever written a song or a poem?
indeed.

If you have, have you ever written a song or a poem for someone?
nope.

Last but not least, type some funny or inspiring lyrics as a closing:
YEAH TOAST!!!!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

38 questinos for the people who are a little older...

38 questions for the people who are a little older...

Tired of all of those surveys made up by high school kids? 'Have you ever kissed someone? Missed someone? Told someone you loved them? Had alcohol?' 37 questions for the people who are a little older...


1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
taxes! bitches!!

2.Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
hm. applebees.

3. What do you really want to be doing right now?
sleeping!

4. How many colleges did you attend?
Just one (two?): CSB/SJU

5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
It was warm and fleecey and I was feeling warm and fleecey. :o)

6. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
betches! I'm glad I don't have a car that I need to fill up regularly!

7. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
I seriously considered not going to class... that's for sure. I almost succeeded! Darn conscience got the best of me!

8. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
Exciting possibilites of things to dream about. :o)

9. Do you miss being a child?
Yep. I hate being an adult right now.

10. What errand/chore do you despise?
Managing my money!! I also hate doing laundry... but only occasionally.

11. Get up early or sleep in?
Sleep in!!

12. Have you found real love yet?
Nope

13. Favorite lunch meat?
salami. if only it wasn't murder to my weight watchers points... oy.

14. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart?
a cheap movie!

15. Beach or lake?
Beach.

16. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
Nope. I'm hoping to participate in that outdated ritual one day.

17. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives?
I've never seen either one.

18. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
Will Smith. And I'd make him make a rap out of my life story (noooow this is a story all about how my life got twist turned upside down...)

19. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
Yes, actually. It was really minor and I cried my way out of it. I didn't intentionally cry my way out of it... but the tears were a flowin. I just kissed someone's bumper in traffic... I was going maybe 5 mph. whoops. No one died... and the car was fine.

20. Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
Nope. And I hope I don't have to... because I've never practiced with it before. ha.

21. Ring tone?
Emily's sister screaming "RINNNNG RINNNNG RINNNNG!!!" into it. haha.

22. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth.
A bathroom. haha

23. Somewhere in California you've never been and would like to go?
Anywhere!! I'd love to go to California! Maybe San Diego?

24. Do you go to church?
Yes!

25. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?
Relationship

26. How old are you?
21

27. Do you have a "go to" person?
not really... to be honest. maybe a couple possibilities... but no one that i immediately think of if i need someone to talk to.

28. Are you where you want to be in life?
I don't know. I think I could use some change.

29. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons?
saturday morning cartoons!!! recess! doug!!!!! ahhh. and daria. haha. i loved daria. i still love daria. i still love cartoons in general.

30. What about you do you think has changed the most?
I am more determined and willing to put forth effort into things (except for school... I just hate school). I'm starting to think that I am worth the hard work.

31. Looking back at high school, were those the best years of your life?
Hm. Well... I haven't experienced much of life yet... so I'm not sure. I hope not. I hope it gets better. High school was pretty good. But I don't want that to be the bar I set for myself. haha.

32. Did you ever own troll dolls?
Yes. haha.

33. Did you have a pager?
Nope

34. Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager ?
church! at least it was for me. for everyone else... it was probably the skate park or the stoner hill in palatine. haha.

35. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with?
Yep. I'm awesome.

36. Who do you think impacted your life the most?
hm. my family. in good and bad ways.

37. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you?
Yeah. Mr. Patton... my adventure ed teacher. There are *still* lessons he taught me that I'm applying to life right now. He's one of the most amazing men I've ever met.

38. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age..."?
hahaha. Yep. I try to as often as possible. Can't wait until I get even older! :o)

Friday, November 20, 2009

finding my place?

Isn't it only supposed to be the freshman and transfer students who are still trying to find their place? I don't think I've ever felt so completely lost at school before. I just don't belong anywhere. I don't fit in with any group of people. I don't like going to the bars, and the only thing to do, really, is go to the bars. On top of it all, I'm just really shy and insecure sometimes. I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and to look forward to a fun weekend for once instead of one spent indoors watching "Say Yes to the Dress." I hate the fact that the only people I've ever hung out with in college have either moved, gotten married, or gotten a new group of friends to hang out with. I hate being in this position. I hate being alone. I just want to have fun. That's all I ask. I want a place to belong. I want to have friends here who I can go to about anything. I don't want to be the last resort friend, or the friend you only hang out with when you would rather not go to the bars. Is that so much to ask? It doesn't help that I'm so paranoid about what other people think of me, either. God. I should have been out of this phase by now. This just sucks. I'm gonna go do something lame like wash dishes or something. Maybe eat even more icecream. I hate how this feels.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Kaile

I have a niece, Kaile, who died when she was 2. I was 7. It's a tragic tale that I don't feel the need to talk about yet. But the thought occurred to me that next month would have been her 16th birthday. You know where I was when I was 16? I was in Paris. I landed in Paris on my 16th birthday. I was with my dad, I was taking this incredible opportunity to perform in Paris and London with orchestra. I was performing piano in Paris when I was 16. And Kaile would be 16 pretty soon. What kind of mischief would she have gotten herself into?

I'm finding that I'm not thinking of her as often as I used to. I didn't think of her that much when I was younger, and then I started to when I was around middle school. I used to think of her at least once a month. I don't think I've thought of her for months now. I feel like a horrible auntie. How can you forget to remember the first person you ever remember falling in love with?

This paper is really hard to do because I'm finding out how hard my heart has gotten. I haven't been paying attention in life. I need to pay attention. I need to remember. Anyway.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Bird. (not for the faint of heart!)

Today, I legitimately flipped the bird at someone for the first time. I mean. I've done it jokingly with my friends. I've done it in the car under the steering wheel just to get the feeling of satisfaction. But I've never actually done it with intention and without regret. If I ever do anything mean to someone... I always feel shaky and regretful after... because I'm a nice girl... and nice girls don't just flip some random guy off. But I just felt so... ROAR!!!!!!!!! Empowered!! Like I made a statement to a deserving d-bag.

The scene was this: I walked out of Coldstone, like it-size chocolate icecream with M&Ms in hand, with my roommate. We got to her car, when we heard a squealing of rubber on pavement, followed by a, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU DUMB BITCH!!!" A red pick up blazed by, nearly knocking this poor girl off her feet. As the truck went by, without hesitation, I raised my middle finger, hand following truck as it passed, a giant "FUCK YOU!" being lip-synched by yours truly. Sir Dickwad certainly saw it and exchanged obscenities, but by that time I was in the car and getting ready to go the opposite direction.

So maybe the guy could have stopped and beaten the crap of me. It was probably the wrong idea at the time. I probably shouldn't have treated a child of God in that way. But the action was so automatic... and it felt so GOOD. I should voice my opinion more often.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

if a black cat crosses your path... something about your grandmother's back... or wait... that's step on a crack... nevermind.

Tonight, as I got out of my night class from St. John's, I heard a meow coming from the monastic gardens. I paused and looked around curiously and then continued. I saw a black cat emerge from the darkness and sit in front of me under a light. I said hello and continued on my way. The black cat looked at me curiously, and then began to follow me. I stopped. It stopped. I walked, it walked. I sped up, it sped up. I slowed down, it ran ahead of me, realized that I wasn't there, and stopped... and waited for me. I walked again and chuckled to myself. The cat walked closer and closer and closer to me. I don't know if it realized I was about to kick it with my feet, but it started weaving in between my legs as I walked, causing me to pause and start laughing out loud. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, CAT!!??" I asked of it. It looked up at me, sat on my feet, and meowed. I wiggled my feet, "Dude, cat, you gotta move your butt." It scurried off my feet and continued to dodge my legs as I continued my trek up to Sexton from Emmaus. I started to play with it a little. I stopped. Cat stopped. I jumped to the right. Cat ran to the right. I jumped to the left. Cat ran to the left. I faked right and went left and the cat totally fell for it. I laughed again. I passed Tommy Hall on my way up to the water fountain, where I was planning to sit and stare at the cat for awhile as I waited for my bus... and possibly call life safety and let them know that one of the monks must have lost their cat. The cat stayed back by Tommy Hall and didn't go any further. We engaged in a staring contest for awhile. The cat wouldn't move, and neither would I. It went and started meowing at all the guys walking into Tommy. I almost cried when one idiot boy hissed at it. Jerk. The cat ran away and stopped in front of Simon Hall, where it parked it's butt and laid down. I observed a young man walked in the direction of the cat. The young man stopped in his tracks and stared at the cat, unsure of what to do. He took a tentative step forward, and then another, and the cat didn't even look up at him. By now I'm cracking up... this is truly hilarious. The young man looks at me, "what the heck??" written all over his face. He pointed to the cat. I shrugged. He shrugged and yelled at me, "That's frickin creepy." hahaha. Then some idiot boys scared the cat and it hid in the bushes. Poor cat. I hope that I can be reunited with it one day. Easily the highlight of my day. Hands down. Or should I say... paws down. baha.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I might be seeing friends from high school when I go home for Thanksgiving. The majority of these friends I haven't talked to since about January. These friends... sometimes I think that we have the kind of friendship that we could just pick up right where we left off... but I don't know. Maybe I don't think the majority of them are my friends after all. Maybe I think they should have put more into the friendship for these past four years. Maybe I do think that I tried, and maybe I don't regret giving up like I did. Maybe I don't think being boys is an excuse. Maybe I am really hurt by it, and maybe the disappointment of losing their friendship during the months I'm at school has severely affected how I currently approach friendships. Maybe I don't really want to see them.

But I still do. I still want to hold onto the hope that there's something left to salvage... that maybe I'm being too serious... that maybe they still care about me despite the fact that even though I've visited all of them in school or that I've left notes on their facebook once in awhile to simply check in on them. I do think I deserve the kinds of friends who want to approach me and invite me places sometimes, and who will be open to me taking the initiative once in awhile. I don't think that the current state of most of the friends I have from high school reflects that kind of friendship that I long for... but I still want to hold on to hope that it will change... that maybe, when I made that promise to myself my senior year of high school to never lose them... maybe I won't lose them.

And let's be 100% honest here... when I saw them, I was 242 pounds. I am currently 205 pounds. If I work hard enough and if fred doesn't make me retain water beforehand... I very well might be in "one-derland"... FINALLY... under 200 pounds. I worked really hard to get to this point. I am still working hard for this. My battle with losing weight isn't just physical in nature... it has definitely been an emotional and spiritual battle as well. And I'm coming out victorious. I would love to just show off my hard work to them. I would love to surprise them... maybe they would realize all that they've been missing.

But maybe they won't notice at all. And that scares me even more. Maybe they don't care enough to notice that I've lost about 35 pounds. Maybe they never cared.

I really don't mean to sound like Miss Lonelyhearts or anything. I am sincerely blessed to have the friends up in Minnesota that I do. I wish that I could be even more myself and more open with these friends... and that will probably come with time... if these friends will even stick after graduation... which is another blog post in itself. I'm just kind of nervous about seeing old friends again. I wouldn't say that I'm excited... I'm caught up in this limbo place where I'm looking forward to the event, but dreading it. Perhaps I would rather stay at home watching Burn Notice with my parents... because my parents have been there for me through thick and thin. Does that make me a bad person? Have you ever had to "break up" with a friend?

I really don't want to break up. I would really love to see my old friendships get back to where they were when we were all in high school. I just don't know how much of a possibility that is anymore.

Anyway. Know that you are loved. Be well. Smile awhile.

Tomorrow is a bus driving day... and since I am the second afternoon driver, according to the new rules, I am allowed to *finally* drive that new bus I've been DYING to drive since my sophomore year. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Housekeeping!!!

Today, instead of thinking about Paul and His Letters, I had a genius idea. I think it's an idea I had a couple years ago... but now that I'm desperate for extra cash again... I remembered it... so I guess I have to say that I remembered a genius idea.

Would people on campus pay someone to clean their bathroom, living room, and kitchen, for $5 per room? Dishes for an additional $3? Tips accepted?

My first thought was... this could work. $15 an apartment could add up over time. I could even give people the option of wanting lemony fresh or unscented cleaning products.

However... would I realllly want to go in a guy's bathroom? I mean... come now. Could anyone pay me enough to go in there without a bio-hazard suit? Am I desperate enough? I'm bordering yes.

And then, at the end of class, I realized just how much I'm turning into my mother. My mother cleaned houses after she got a divorce to support herself and her two daughters. And now... maybe I'll be a cleaning lady, too. It could be good. My Mom met my dad that way.

Food for thought... food for thought...

Monday, November 2, 2009

Before I die... I want to know why I'm alive.

What makes your heart skip a beat? What gets you so excited that you can't fall asleep because you keep thinking about it? What is your biggest passion? What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel so alive that you can feel the wind blow between each of your fingers?

It used to be bus driving. I used to feel really excited to go drive the bus. Granted, I still do... but definitely not the extent that I used to. I asked for some divine help at the start of the year to help me fizzle out my desire to drive the bus... because I knew that if I didn't get a hold of it, I would really miss driving the bus too much after I graduate. I at least wanted to take the focus off of my current job, and if I could refocus that energy to another job, that would be fantastic... but for now... I just have to detach myself from my job.

But aside from the bus driving... what exactly am I passionate about? What gets my blood going? What brings tears to my eyes?

Is it cheesy to admit that one of these passions is God? I thrive off of my conversations with God in whatever form they take... whether it's Mass, taking a walk around the lake, volunteering, or even having conversations with other people about anything at all (God is present in everyone after all, correct?). I love learning little intimate details about people's lives... like what they were like in 3rd grade, or what they think or how they feel about life and love and why. I love God so, so deeply, and the love that I have for God is definitely carried over into my relationships with my friends, and sometimes my family.

I am very passionate about people and about having relationships with people... regardless of the type of relationship. I love getting to know people, spending time in the presence of people, laughing and crying and frolicking with people. I love to love others. I remember when I was in high school, I asked God what He wanted me to do with my life... and I heard a distinct response, which was a simple, "Love." There are some areas in which I need to learn how to love people a little better. But for the most part... I just love to love. Granted, this doesn't help me pick out a career. I guess it gives me a little flexibility... I think that's why I love bus driving so much--because I can be that person who is there smiling for you a real genuine toothy smile when you get on the bus after you just had the most stressful test of your life.

I always feel so much better when I'm volunteering. I think if I volunteered more, I would be happier. I volunteered all the time in high school... and now that I'm in college... I just don't. But I love to. It's what I do. Maybe that's part of why I don't feel content all the time at college... because I'm not doing what I love.... loving others. I mean I volunteer at least once a month. But I could do more. I remember one time I volunteered at the Place of Hope my freshman year... in the fall... when I knew no one. It was awesome. Why haven't I kept that up? Hm? I always felt so ALIVE in high school when I planned and led retreats and IGNITE nights and did my peer ministry thing and my justice and service things. What stopped me in college??? What's my deal??

I just love people. I love to love. Loving makes my heart skip a beat and makes me so happy inside. I love to reach out to people who don't get loved that often and just love them. And I really love God. I could sit in adoration for hours and just sit there and love Jesus.

So. Loving others and loving God makes my heart skip a beat and makes me feel the wind between my fingers. I don't really know what the heck I'm going to do with that though. But anyway. Fin.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Is Chivalry Dead?

The other evening I ate a delicious apple-cinnamon muffin at a local dining establishment with a couple friends at a homework party. The muffin was even beyond delicious... it was warm and full of love and pretty much exactly what my little tummy was seeking after a long day of sneezing and sniffling. At the end of the evening as we were paying for the food we consumed, I went to pull out my $5 bill to take care of my delectable muffin, when one of my friends quickly told the waitress to put my order with his. At first I protested, as I was ready and able to take care of it, and I ordered it with the intention to pay for it, but he insisted, and I would be stupid to just let the opportunity pass me by. I mean, if the man wanted to pay for my food, then let him pay for it! He said, "I'm just trying to be a gentleman. Is chivalry dead?"

And so I thought about it. My mom has beaten it into my head that I need to be independent and responsible for myself and myself only. I cannot and should not rely on a man or become dependant on him for anything. If I have a problem, I have to figure out my own solution. In general, I don't like asking people for help. I don't like having to admit that I need someone to cover my work shift because I'm sick... I'd rather just power through it and take the responsibility. I don't like asking for rides to the airport... but sometimes I just have to admit that I cannot afford a round trip airport shuttle, as it's the cost of half a plane ticket. In my last dating relationship, I felt bad when he paid for me at first (though I did warm up to it eventually and did some leg pulling to make it happen... heh heh). I don't really care if anyone opens a door for me or not... either way, that door is opening, and I'm going through it. I would prefer to just take care of myself... not only because it's been beaten into my brain... but because many times in the past, people have failed me and screwed me over when I tried to depend on them just a little bit.

So what's wrong with a young man paying for an apple-cinnamon muffin? Why is it so hard to do? It was a nice and generous offer made out of the kindness of his sweet little heart. Granted, the muffin was only $2.50, and in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal... but the offer was just so different to what I've been accustomed to that it really took me aback. It's an action that still left some kind of imprint on me... that someone would care enough to pay for my delicious $2.50 apple-cinnamon muffin, just because he's my friend. I didn't even have to guilt him into it... he just did it without a second thought. It's so strange to me that someone would actually do that. It's not a bad thing, either... maybe I *have* been under a ton of stress especially in this past week trying to figure my life out and how to pay for that random $3000 I owe the school somehow... maybe I *do* try to be too independent... maybe my independent streak causes me more stress than it should and sometime I'm going to have to learn how to trust other people with parts of myself... even if it's as small and simple as a $2.50 muffin. Maybe he didn't have any ulterior motives behind paying for it. Maybe it really was an act of kindness. Maybe I just need to stop being so suspicious of people and just trust.

I mean. For pete's sake... it's a muffin. I took the muffin to a spiritual level. It was a witness of God's love for me... that sometimes I flat out tell God that I don't trust him to take care of me, and that I would like to one day, but today it's just not gonna happen. Sometimes I look at offers that God gives me for happiness and I don't trust in that goodness and instead, try to handle things my way. My friend's nice action was an example of God's love for me, and how God doesn't just provide for me because he wants something in return... he does it because he loves me.

So if chivalry is dead, then we should probably work at bringing it back. If free muffins are in my future, maybe I want to embrace my future. Maybe life doesn't have to be so bleak and stressful because maybe I don't have to do it alone. Maybe there should be people willing to open doors and pay for your muffins because they are being chivalrous... they are being examples of God's love for you... and you should just accept it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The future

Today I sat in my seat after receiving the Eucharist at Mass. In my chat with Jesus, my thoughts drifted to my future and how I've been seriously freaking myself out about it for the past week or so... how just a couple nights ago I freaked out so bad I lost sleep over it. It was awful. I started to talk to Jesus about how scared out of my mind I am to graduate and how I have absolutely no idea what to do... how the options for volunteering, moving back home, finding a job and my own apartment, or going straight to grad school, all seem almost equally appealing to me. I have no idea what to do... and it's October. Most people seem to have this all figured out by now. But I have no idea. And now I'm getting overwhelmed. Do I apply for volunteering or for grad school or for youth ministry jobs? Do I apply for all three? Do you realize how stressful that is? How am I supposed to do anything without money? How am I supposed to get my own apartment and car to get to my job? How am I supposed to pay for all of my own bills and groceries and loans? How am I going to survive a year after graduation without winding up broke and homeless?

I started to freak out again. Question after question... I challenged God. What the stink is He thinking???? Trusting me to be an adult? What?

And then... almost as if it were planned... a verse was sung and it caught my attention. The verse... of course I don't remember the words exaaactly... but it was about not worrying about tomorrow... about how God will take care of us... about how God cares for each bird in the sky and has every hair on my head counted... so surely I do not need to worry about anything, because God will not abandon me.

Touche, God (I even said this out loud). You win this time. Of course it's not a direct answer to my question... but I know mysterious is your style... so I guess I'll just have to try to chill out and let my life kind of work out the way it needs to.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

STOP IT!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT! Stop fricking getting engaged, people. Stop getting married. You haven't even graduated yet. Just chill out. Stop it.

There just may be a part of me protesting simply because I'm considering being single for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is an option worth looking into. Would I want to get married to Jesus? Probably not. Don't get me wrong... I've thought about it... a lot. A lot more than you think I have. I usually don't talk about things like me and my vocation in terms of single life, married life, or religious life.

But now... the topic is unavoidable. So many people from high school are married already, and if not married already, already engaged. Too many people are recently engaged. I guess I'm happy for them.... I mostly don't care about their happiness, to be honest, due to a variety of reasons... most of them that involve being bitter about something or other. And I realize that the "Christian" response would be to just be happy for them and their life change... but... I'm gonna call bullshit on this.

Seriously? You're engaged. You haven't even graduated college yet. You're a year younger than I am. And you're engaged.

The part of this that I'm taken aback by isn't that these people are engaged... it's that I'm automatically comparing myself to them. My shock isn't for them... my motives are entirely selfish.

I feel like I'm missing the boat.

Granted... next year, I think I might volunteer. Or get a job. Or go to school. I don't know what the flying fudge I am going to be doing. That's a whole other blog post. But now I'm wondering... maybe I will be single. And you know, the single life isn't entirely unappealing to me. I wouldn't have to account for anyone but myself. I could rely solely on myself and I wouldn't have to deal with the mess of disappointment and false promises. I like the idea of being independent. I like the idea of living on my own and managing my own finances and figuring all that stuff out for myself, rather than depending on someone else to take care of it for me. But maybe I wouldn't mind companionship either, you know? Maybe I would like a family one day. Maybe I would like to be a mother one day. Maybe I would like to fall in love, get married, and raise a family that loves each other and that forgives each other and is the exact opposite of this bullshit family I have. I mean okay... my family isn't complete bullshit... but I'd make it a good 85% shit straight from a bull. Even after missing my family for 3 months... just spending less than 2 nights under the same roof makes me want a stiff drink... which says a lot, since I drink maybe once every blue moon. Now I am off topic.

On topic--stop getting engaged. Just stop doing it. Stop shoving my singleness in my face. Stop reminding me that I haven't seriously dated anyone since high school. Stop reminding me that perpetual singleness just might be an option for me. Graduate. Go live in a foreign country for a year. Do something with your life. Do something wild and crazy. Get married later.

Of course I have friends who are married already and have been married for quite some time. It's still weird for me that they are actually married. I'm not saying it's bad to get married young. I'm simply saying that I'm sick of seeing everyone getting engaged and married within weeks of each other. It makes me want to hurl.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

You don't know who I AM?

Yesterday I was at my gate at the airport, waiting to board my plane. I was in group 2, and there was a fairly large number of people standing behind me, when one gentleman approached the counter and demanded the attention of the attendant who was trying to check me in. He's one of *those* guys... with the expensive Italian suits on, bluetooth in ear, important leather briefcase in hand, and constipated look on his face. He wanted to get on this flight because he missed his last flight. I wait patiently as this important-looking man holds up the entire line so that he can be helped... even though he very well could have just 5 minutes ago, before everyone started boarding. The flight attendant made some calls and could not help this man.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot do that for you."
"Excuse me? Are you sure? Do you know who I am? Does executive platinum platinum mean ANYTHING to you people?"
I almost died. Twice. I snickered a little and the man looked at me clearly irritated. Executive platinum platinum. That means nothing to me. The man could be the Pope and I would still make him wait, damnit. Of course the man can get a ticket now. And he gets upgraded to first class. Why would executive platinum platinum members sit in coach? Seriously. Don't you know who this guy is? He's executive platinum platinum. Not executive. Not executive platinum. Executive platinum platinum.
At least he didn't request to jump to the front of the line, too. Silly man. I bet he'd feel a lot better if he made a good visit to the bathroom and rid himself of all the evil that was accumulating in his poor 5'7" body.

Monday, October 5, 2009

philosophy of dating?

I have to write a position paper for a class on what my philosophy of dating is. I'm not exactly sure what to write. I mean, I haven't exactly been beating down the boys with a blunt object... but it's not like I'm a lost cause. I've had dates to the majority of the dances at school, one relationship my senior year of high school, and one legit date in college. I know I'm capable of attracting someone. I think I'm just really choosy, and I don't think this is a bad thing.

I don't outwardly flirt with just anyone and make myself part of the typical "hook up" scene because I know who I am. I am a child of God. I'm in love with my Father. I want to be with someone who is also in love with God like I am. Because then this way, the love I have for my significant other will reflect the love I have for my Father, and vice versa. My significant other will recognize me as a child of God, and he will treat me as such, and I will recognize my significant other as a child of God and I will treat him as such. I believe any relationship I have, whether it's romantic or platonic, should help me become the best version of myself, because God is constantly molding me into the best version of myself. Hooking up doesn't appeal to me because I'm not interested in treating a young man as an object for my personal satisfaction. God would never do that to me, and I would never do that to any of his children. I want spend time getting to know a person either on a friend level or via casual dates before entering into a relationship with that person. I don't think dating should be rushed, but it should still be moving.

So maybe I have taken an interest in someone, and I want to get to know him more. I wouldn't be opposed to going on dates with him as long as I've gotten to know him enough to where I'm comfortable being myself around him and can trust him enough to be respectful of me and my feelings/thoughts/opinions. If I'm already friends with a person, maybe it's just a matter of discussing the feelings and taking it to the next level.

Either way, I want to be "wooed." I want to be romanced. I want daisies. I want butterflies in my stomach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to go on dates in which the young man will pick me up and take me out to dinner. I wouldn't even mind getting picked up to go to the caf. It just has to be a legit date. None of this "Oh well, I like you and you like me, so maybe we should just tell everyone that we're boyfriend and girlfriend" business. Nope. Dates. They did it in the olden days... we can do it now. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. I'm not expecting the young man in question to spend all his money on me. I am expecting thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness doesn't have to cost money. It could be as simple as cooking dinner for me, or just being there to hang out and shoot the breeze, or going for a walk. I want someone who knows that if they intentionally hurt me, they will have my family, my friends, and my God to answer to. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. :o)

And if I find someone who I want to enter into a relationship with... I think I can bring just as much to him. I can take him on dates. I can attempt to cook him dinner (or at least muffins.... I'm good at muffins). I am patient and I am caring and thoughtful and I am a good listener. It might take me awhile to warm up to new people... but when I do... I think I can be a good friend. I can give him his space and I desire space for myself too. I'm comfortable enough with myself to not be clingy or jealous and I don't think it takes a lot to keep me happy. I don't want to be completely dependent on a person... I want to figure out how I can accomplish tasks myself and be responsible for my own life. I can see the bigger picture, so I am more willing to overlook the little details. I'm a complete goofball and I know when to be serious, too. I'm a lot more grown up than I was in high school.

So. Maybe I'll just take some of that and throw it into my paper. hm. Indeed.

Monday, September 28, 2009

For my stalker friend... you know who you are...

Today I woke up. After waking up, I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I forgot that I took my towel out to wash, and I was towel-less. I didn't know what to do, so I cracked up. I then bravely ventured forth into the cold hallway, in all my naked glory, to run to the linen closet and grab a towel. I risked a roommate waking up and walking out right then and there... but well, I've done more awkward things in my life than run around in the nude. After drying off and putting clothes on, I jammed out to the Foundations and Frankie Vallie, and then decided I was ready for class. I went to class and learned that I didn't do so well at all on my first test... but this doesn't bother me much as I am a very come-from-behind-victory-kind of girl. I bombed my first metaphysics test, too, which was 25% of my grade, and I still wound up with a low B. So eat that, astronomy! I fear no evil. After astronomy, I stood in the bus line in the freezing cold and extremely windy... wind... for at least 10 minutes. The bus finally pulled up, when all of a sudden this young man appeared right in front of me in line. I blinked a couple times... surely he was not there 10 minutes ago. I cleared my throat. AHEM. No response. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure the line was nice and long, and then tapped the young man on his shoulder. Um. Excuse me. You do know that the end of the line is way back there, right? I did not hide any emotions. The young man immediately turned a bright shade of red, shuffled his feet, looked at the floor, tail between his legs. Uh. yeah. Sorry. He then exited the line, and I resumed my rightful place in line. The young man in front of me actually went to Sexton to wait for the bus to fill up before returning to the line, which was left with maybe 5 people. Even when he returned, he cut. I guess you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
After that little smackdown, I returned to my apartment where I checked my email and facebook and watching "A Haunting" on the Discovery Channel while eating a hearty leftover ravioli lunch. After finishing my raviolis, I washed my dishes and put them away and cleaned the kitchen. After I was done cleaning the kitchen, I quickly went back to my room to make sure my playlist was all set for work, and then I left to go to work. I arrived at the transportation shop at exactly 1:15, where I was greeted by a bus with a missing muffler. What happened to 26? I asked. Someone stole the muffler. What are you talking about, someone stole the muffler? Well, I was driving it, when all of a sudden I realized that the bus was running a lot louder than it should have. The muffler is missing. Are you sure it didn't just fall off somewhere? Nope. I looked! Everywhere! You'd think you'd find a bus muffler layin around on the highway somewhere, but I didn't find it anywhere. Seriously? You think someone came here and stole the muffler right out of the bus? Yep. I do. One of those crazy nincompoop Johnnies, more than likely. After mourning the loss of the muffler of my second favorite bus (426--the Cadillac of all the busses), I drew up some designs for our shop bulletin board, and then before I knew it, it was 1:53 and I had to get in the bus. I did the 2:00 run, and then the 2:45 and 3:15 runs, and then the 3:50 run, and then I did the 5:00 run. My shift ended at 5:45. I got a call from my stalker friend inbetween the end of the 3:50 and the start of the 5:00 run saying she would be in town, so I busted my tush to get to the HCC to see her. I squeeled with joy when her lovely daughter chose to walk to me first instead of that crazy Caleb. I knew she was always a smart cookie. Stalker friend wound up leaving a lot earlier than I thought she would have, so I was able to make it to Gorecki to go to prison. Prison went as well as it usually goes... and it was nice to be back, believe it or not. During Mass, I was struck with this incredible urge to really make something out of prison ministry. I'm hoping to get the groups together during the week to build fellowship and actually plan the Mass,r ather than just showing up at the prison and throwing something together in the 5 minutes we have before the guys even show up. I'm also hoping we can do some kind of teaching mass... I think the guys would really benefit from it. After sayin goodbye to my prison buddies (both inmates and otherwise), I finally came back to my room and had a nice and huge bowl of fiberous and omega-3-filled buttered noodles. I've never eaten so many noodles in my life.. but I'm so full and happy and satisfied for indulging in my noodle craving. And the noodles were good for me, too! It was a healthy indulgence. So now here I am, 11:10 PM (almost 11:11! woo! ha), writing in my blog. I'm probably going to start my homework pretty soon, and then I'm gonna go to bed eventually. I have to write a Pauline letter... as in, pretend that I'm Paul and forge a letter. What a fantastic assignment. Oh Dr. Smiles.
Anyway. You wanted me to update my blog and tell you every little detail of my life, so there it is. I left a couple details out, though. About a *cough* and a certain *cough cough.* Exactly. Ambiguity may or may not be my middle name.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Are we dancing? Are we really here? Is this feeling something real, or will it disappear?

Today I emailed my high school driver's ed teacher an email of appreciation for teaching me how to drive so that I could one day get a job as a bus driver, fall in love with it, and have my life be changed forever in a good way. I think I just may have brightened someone's day today.

Said email encouraged me to take a looksee at my high school's website and take a little stroll down memory lane. Oh, Mr. Anderson (who called me Gards all year... I don't even know if he knows my first name). Mr. Aikens (how proud he would be to know I'm taking astronomy again). Mr. Yates (what a mug shot! seriously. He didn't get me excited for math... but he sure did wake me up to it with his booming coach voice, that's for sure).

I wonder if my high school self would be proud of my college self. Embarrassed? Shocked? Accepting?

I think high school me would be pleased to look at 21-year-old me and see that I'm not a raging alcoholic and that I'm still doing well in school. I think she would be a little sad that I don't feel as connected to God as she is, but I think that she would be understanding of that, given the circumstances. I think she would be a bit bummed to know that I'm still this awfully awkward excuse for a human being around boys and that she hasn't outgrown that quite yet. I think she would be happy to know that 21-year-old me can still relate to her, but I think she would look at 21-year-old me and also know that she could learn from me, because I have grown a bit since high school. I don't think she would believe me when I would tell her that I'm getting into running. She may or may not believe the bus driving thing... I think for her, my choice in being a bus driver would be an accurate prediction... it just seems like something I would do.

I think she would be really bummed that I never kept up with piano, or photography, or something artsy and creative. I think she would be bummed at how I don't always stand up for myself and I still let people walk all over me. I think she would be happy to know that hurts from the past haven't affected who I am to the point where who I am now is a person I would have never wanted to become. I think she would be the most bummed to know how different all her friendships will become... most of which for the worse, but in some cases, not the worst. She would be bummed to know that some of her expectations were not met. She would be sad to know how sad these first couple years really were for me, and how it's taken me up to my junior/senior year of college to really start living. I think she would have wanted me to start living a lot earlier. I don't think she ever bought into the idea that Bennies should marry Johnnies, so I don't think she would care too much that I'm still single.

Would she be proud of me, though? Even though I know she would be bummed at the way a lot of things turned out... would she still be proud of me? Would she think that I did everything I could? Would she be proud to be me? I don't know.

I do miss high school, believe it or not. I at least miss the idea of high school. I miss having a locker! I miss the hallways. I miss the classrooms. I miss being in classes with people I've known either since the start of high school, or the start of elementary school. Even now, four years into college, it still feels so unfamiliar.

Would it have been different if I followed the rest of my graduating class to U of I, or Illinois State, or Harper? What about if I had gone to Aquinas instead of St. Ben's? What if I had transferred my sophomore year? What if, instead my apartment on the east side of campus with some of my very good friends, I was living on campus at DePaul University, or off campus in one of those cool apartments/townhomes in the Lincoln Park neighborhood? Why did that suffocating feeling happen that one night my sophomore year of college that made me rethink my entire solid decision to transfer and make me decide to stay here instead? What has happened in the past year to justify this decision? What if? How does one follow the movements of the spirit? How does one understand until way after the fact? How do I know that right now I am exactly where I am meant to be?

I think right now I'm craving the familiar. I would love to go back in time and relive just one day from high school... some boring day where nothing particularly exciting happened... just to remember what it was like to be surrounded by people who knew me, who were there when things happened, who never had to ask me getting-to-know-you-questions because they already knew, and they already lived it with me. I want that. I miss that.

But right now... here I am, a 21-year-old female, almost ready to graduate from college, still similar to who I was in high school and yet so different. As I stood there for the past 3 years of my life with my world crashing around me, with the earth shaking and crumbling beneath me, the smoke is clearing and I'm finding that I'm still standing here, solidly, on my own two feet. And I think knowing that I've survived these past 3 years is giving me courage to continue for the rest of my life. And that's pretty sweet.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Fantastic!!

Today is a fantastic day. So far. I think it's going to continue to be fantastic.
Today in astronomy, my brain turned off to the lecture, and I made a list of reasons why my day is so fantastic so far. I think I could continue it.

Reasons Why Today Is The Best Day Ever:
*Watching Tom Kirkman make the earth move.
*Frankie Valli has been in my head since last night.
*Did not get a crappy cup of java from Johnnie Java.
*Got an answer to write down on my quiz... even if it wasn't exaactly correct. I'm still a smart cookie.
*My skinny clothes fit on the first try today.
*I saw my friend Erin this morning and her lovely face. We embraced. It was magical.
*Wrote this list instead of pay attention in class. I still look like I'm diligently taking notes. I win.
*Saw the word "Weishlaschoss" written on the board. I have no idea how it got there, or what it means, but it looks fantastic.
*Just looked to my left... saw a kid in a bright red shirt with "That's What She Said!!" written on the back.
*I'm definitely wearing my fundies and none of them match.
*Even cold... my coffee STILL tastes good.
*It's 10:35 and I'm still awake.
*Frankie Valli is still there... you're just too good to be true... can't take my eyes off of you... :o)


The rest of my day will continue to be absolutely fantastic because
A) I get to work from 1:15 until 5:45.
B) I get to go to a shindig for work after. I have never not enjoyed getting together with bus drivers. Happiness will ensue.
C) I am in the midst of creating a "Happy Friday" mix for my bus. Get ready.


Love,
Sara

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Move-In Weekend

The freshmen are coming! The freshmen are coming!

Actually... they're already here. And now that there are people on campus... I feel like they're all just a bunch of intruders, invading on my territory that I've come to know and love/hate since about May. Well, since about August 08, really, but summer-wise... May. This frustrates me, as I was so looking forward to people returning to campus... and now that they're here... I just kind of want to punch them in the face. Weird? Maybe it just takes some getting used to. It's like a new pair of underwear. At first it's restrictive... and then it becomes part of you!!!!! (name that movie!!)

I'm sure this feeling will go away tomorrow when I finally get to drive my bus again. In 24 hours I will be driving a bus... most likely from St. Ben's to St. John's. Or I'll be on a break. Who knows, really. Either way... 24 hours from now... I will have had contact with a bus. That's pretty awesome. And a lot better than Emmaus.

I still haven't finished unpacking all my crap. I should probably get on that... considering my roommate roommate is moving in tomorrow. Hm. I have all night for that. Right? Right.

Rocketmannnnn!!!!

Monday, August 3, 2009

i see london... i see france!!!

Tonight I realized that while my capri PJ pants now fit without making me look like a stuffed sausage in them... they are practically see-through. As in... I was checking out my butt and noticed the fun picture on the back of my undies. And you know what my first thought was?

Thank God I'm wearing my fundies... this would not be half as amusing if I had just a plain color on.

I amaze myself with my weirdness.

ps--is it sad that I'm actually legitimately excited about the fact that I can see which books I'm going to need to buy for my classes now? as in... I said out loud, "YES! IT'S OFFICIALLY AUGUST 3RD!!!" and checked out the bookstore's website... and got even more excited. eep. I guess there could be worse things to get excited for?