Monday, March 29, 2010

The question is: what is the status of my soul now?

I always joke around with God about how many times I should have been struck dead for blasphemy by now. But I think today really takes the cake... and based on the headache that I have, I think He thinks so too. Today I finished writing a story for my creative writing class... a 6 page single-spaced beauty of a short story (I have never been able to write that much of a short story in my life... and I could get used to it!!)... about a woman who fell in love with her priest, converted to Catholicism, got pregnant with his love child, endured the wrath of scandal, and wound up being in so much despair that she resorted to an abortion. I didn't even know that my story was going to go in that direction. I knew that they were going to fall in love and be faced with the dilemma of "but he's a priest!" I did not know a pregnancy would be involved. It just kind of happened. And I'm not fully satisfied with my story. I think I could make the ending better. I could expand on a ton of things. I don't want her to have the abortion. I'm struggling with my character... because I know that she's under a great deal of stress from a ton of ugly mistakes. I want her to change her mind in the end and not go through with the abortion. I'm going to have to rework it.

But you know what? I think this is exactly why I love writing so much. I love putting myself in the shoes of my characters like this. I mean, if I were Ariah, my main girl, and I fell in love with my priest, and in our moment of weakness we forgot our roles and did something that is only human when it comes to loving someone... and if my heart was broken not only because the priest overreacted and couldn't own up to his own mistakes.. and I had to face the possibility of bringing a child out of those circumstances in the world... what *would* I think? How *would* I react? I, the author, would look at the situation and tell Ariah that the best option would be an adoption if she cannot care for her child on her own. But Ariah is completely different from me. I need to get to know her some more.

Of course I loved the scandal of the love between a priest and young woman. Especially when I think of that one time in high school I went to a youth festival thing at my church and some young seminarians were there and they were super cute and I totally had a crush on one of them, except he had the ring around his neck and was obviously off limits. Oh, the woes of a 16-year-old... Anyway.

Before I leave, I want to ponder serving sizes. Especially serving sizes on a medium-sized bag of M&Ms. Why are they necessary? 8 servings to a bag ?Yeah right. More like 2.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

but they said "no nudity allowed..."

Recently I discovered a hit web phenomena called "Chat Roulette." The concept of Chat Roulette is kind of interesting, actually... you're in this random chat room with a complete stranger and uh. chat with them. obviously. Each room allows for webcam access, and I discovered that the majority of people used webcams, and since I do not have one on this computer, most people "nexted" me to move onto someone with a webcam so they could see who they were talking to. So I was sitting there watching person after person click next on my big grey box of a webcam image... when suddenly, I encountered a man. Half a man, really. The lower half. As seen from under a table. Pants were not in the picture. Neither were boxers. I don't even know if the socks were there. The makers of Chat Roulette promised me no nudity. And well. That was definitely a man I saw.

Excuse me while I go burn my eyeballs and take a shower in holy water.

ChatRoulette... never again.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Remains of the Day

"The Remains of the Day" is a novel I had to 'read' for my ethics class (and by 'read' I mean read the sparknotes... *cough*) about a butler named Stevens who is very devoted to his job. Basically, his entire life revolves around his job, and his identity is that of a butler. Near the end of his life/career, he realizes that being a butler shouldn't actually have been the most important thing, and he has a lot of regrets about how he lived.

I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I am graduating in a monthish, and I couldn't help but reflect on my past four years in college. Upon reflection, I came to a sad realization that I too have many, many regrets regarding my experiences here, and I don't know what I can do now to make the most of it.

I regret not going out and meeting more people. My freshman year especially I tended to push people away and not be very trusting of others, and when my mom started to have health problems, I closed off pretty well. I didn't really let many people at all know what was going on and created distance this way. By the time sophomore year rolled around, the stress from my mom's health issues and my lack of solid friendships that went beyond just the surface prevented me from even trying and I slipped into a sad period where I kept to myself most of the time and eventually decided to transfer to DePaul University. Junior year was a little better friendship-wise... I feel like I got a lot closer to the ones who mattered. But senior year is really tough for me. One of my best friends isn't on campus anymore, a couple of other good friends graduated, and the friends I have now all like to go out to bars, or they found other groups of friends to hang out with. I wish that I put myself out there more so that when I could come to this year... I wouldn't have such a hard time finding a place to fit in. You know?

I regret not taking more risks. I generally followed the safe path through college. I was afraid of trying new things and I was afraid of messing up so bad that I just didn't do much at all. There were plenty of times I felt a pull to do something but I wound up not doing it out of fear of messing up. There was this one security guard I met my sophomore year who I had a big crush on, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't say anything to him about it. And then he wound up not coming back the next year. And we had a lot of fun working together. Who knows what could have happened. You know? I wish I took more risks. I think I would rather take a risk and fall flat on my face than not take the risk at all.

I regret not minoring in anything. I regret not keeping up with teaching.

I don't know if I regret not finishing my application for the JVC... because I really do just want to be home for awhile (it's been rough being away for 4 years... not gonna lie... I juuust started getting used to it this past summer). I can still keep that option open for later.

I regret not letting loose more and having more fun. I was always so concerned with being proper and sticking to my values. I wish I went out and did something crazy and out of character sometimes. I wish I could have been more present.

I also regret working so much. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong. I just wish that I never had that attitude where I wanted to have an excuse of being busy so that I wouldn't feel so left out when no one invited me to hang out with them over the weekend. I worked not only because I did love to drive, but a big reason was because I just wanted something to do over the weekend. Is that sad?

So there are a couple things. I don't know how to change them. I'm not sure what I could do to change my future. In general, it's been a great learning experience here at St. Ben's... but I'm sad because I know it could have been so much better. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do I suppose.

Gotta go check on that laundry. I'm gettin to the folding part. I hate folding laundry. Oh well. It'll be done soon, right? Right. :o) Have a happy day!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Oh don't look at me with those judging eyes...



Yep. Today I flipped on MTV and discovered Justin Bieber. I know that I'm obviously completely out of the loop with this one because apparently he's already some hit star... but oh man. I'm pretty sure I fell in love just now. I mean not love love... the kid is 16 for crying out loud... but seriously. Just look at him. He's such a teenager. His hairstyle is awesome. I about died when I saw him getting a call from Usher at the start of his video.

But I think aside from his charm and adorable face that I just want to pinch and go "aww" at, the song seriously pulled at my heart strings.

I remember when I was 16 and thought I found the love of my life. And I think that's why I like this song the most... because it's a 16-year-old singing about how he too thinks he found the love of his life. And it's just so cute and innocent. And I mean, okay. The kids in the video are at a party. But there's silly string involved. How fricking cute is that?

I just saw it and it reminded me of myself... trying to be cool and grown up and plan out my wedding to that one boy who I truly believed I would marry one day. And I obviously won't now... and oh boy. I apologize. I just can't write properly when my little heart is going a pitter-patter reminiscing of the good ole days.

Don't judge.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The World Spins Madly On

I have ignored this blog for a month and for that, I apologize.
There have been quite a few many exciting happenings in my life in this past month as well... which you obviously have the right to know about, good and faithful stalkers.

1) I'm feeling really attracted to the sweet sweet melodies of The Weepies today. It's not necessarily because I myself feel weepy, but rather, because I feel sweet and melodic.

2) I applied to DePaul University's Master of Arts in Writing and Publishing program seven days ago. I should hear back from them in four to six weeks. Pray for me.

3) I'm also on a job hunt. I found a couple jobs I am extremely interested in. One of them is with this nonprofit organization called Genesys Works, and I loved that one the most, except literally the next day I looked at the job site, the position was no longer posted. I was sad and confused because I was so excited about it and the deadline for resumes was late in April... so I don't know what happened. I emailed the man in charge to inquire about it two days ago, but I have yet to hear back from him. Another job I was excited about was an RA position at a Franciscan Volunteer house for the full-time volunteers at a soup kitchen in the Wicker Park neighborhood in Chicago. I was excited because not only would it give me a way of moving out of my house (free room and board is included in my "pay," which would just be a $3000 yearly stipend), but it would give me a way of volunteering for a cause I have always been very passionate about. The only way I could really say yes to that position, however, is if I can find another job in the city or near the city... so, pray for me. There is yet another position at the Lasalle Manor in Plano, Illinois, which is a bit south of the city, but it's another live-in position as a retreat coordinator for the retreat center. I would also love this job... but you know... there are also little details about grad school and if I would be able to do both despite the distance. There are also other secretary positions available both in the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Joliet which I'm interested in mainly because it's a way of getting my foot in the door... not that I'm really all that excited about being a secretary. So if you can... please pray for me.

4) I feel really blessed to have the friends that I do. I thank God for you every day, you know.

5) For Lent, I have been trying to get up to see the sunrise every morning and see the sunset every evening. I use the time in the morning to wake up and pray. Lately it's been foggy and rainy pretty much every day since I got back, and so I have not been bothering to wake up at 6:30 in the morning if I don't have to. I feel kind of lazy for doing that... but there's no sunrise! It's God's fault! haha. I still make it a point to wake up early enough to pray in my prayer journal, so that has to count for something. I love the time that I get to spend with God every morning. I wish I would have done it earlier. It sets the tone for the rest of my day, and since I start it with God, it just makes it so much better. It's like finding a cookie recipe, and then realizing that you could throw in chocolate chips and make it even awesomer.

6) Just invented the word "awesomer."

7) I keep alternating between being really excited about my future and scared out of my pants about my future. Tonight, I am excited. A half a week ago I would have been without pants.

8) I have a lot due next week. I need to do better in nutrition. I'm just a really lousy quiz taker. It doesn't help that I hate studying. ha. Whoops. It's hard to focus on things like non-theology classes or non-English classes when I have more important things to do like apply for jobs and freak out about my future. Do you think professors understand that? If I talked to my prof and asked him if there was a way I could write him a paper about metabolism or vegetarianism or whatever, and have it count for some kind of extra credit, because I am a horrible test taker and also because I have more important things to worry about in my life than earn my completely unnecessary second natural science credit... do you think he would be understanding? You know, I think if I were ever a professor and if a senior student came to me in my situation, I would probably be understanding. I would tell him or her to create a newscast about the second coming of Christ. Could be fun. Especially if he or she could score an interview with the Big (Wo)Man.

9) I had a really terrific spring break. It was amazing to see friends and to spend so much time with my family. I spent the majority of time with my sister, believe it or not, and her new puppy, Reesie. I don't think I have ever been able to tolerate my sister for that long. Now that I sit and think about it... it's a miracle at all that our relationship is where it is now. I love that I have been getting to know my sister like this for the past couple years. We used to not get along at all... like most siblings. We only started to get along when she moved to Mexico and I moved to Minnesota. But now we're hanging out and watching movies and playing Mario Kart like civilized human beings. It's really wonderful. A blessing. I am sincerely thankful for the time I get to spend with my sister. I think this is one of the biggest miracles I have seen in my life. It's really wonderful and I am really happy.

10) I am trying to reconnect with old friends, especially the ones who I feel hurt by. I'm not really doing a good job at it... but it's a step-by-step process, just like it was with my sister. Pray for me.

11) I have not been making much progress at all with Weight Watchers. Not on the scale, at least. I can now fit into one size smaller (size 16 and larges! Woo!), but as for that stupid number on that stupid scale, I keep hovering in this 7-8 pound range. It's frustrating. But at the same time, I am trying to measure more of my success with my "non-scale victories." And I have a ton of them. For starters, I am finally able to tell myself that I do NOT need to eat because I am NOT hungry. I have been able to identify when I am feeling sad or lonely or bored or stressed or whatever it is... and more often than not, I am only eating because of these feelings. I haven't been able to find activities to successfully take my mind away from the act of eating as a means of comforting myself... though I have always wanted to take up knitting, and I think the actions with my hands will help. Other than that, I read nutrition labels, I look at menus at restaurants and plan ahead of time before going out with friends, I exercise often, I drink water, I have cut back on how much pop I drink... I was able to survive spring break without one night of binge eating. This is a monumental bravo for me. I usually go home and can't help but eat. I think I am getting stronger through this experience... no matter what the scale is telling me. I can't begin to tell you how empowering this is.

I'm not sure what else I have left to fill you in on. I hope this was a sufficient fix. I promise to do a better job.

Love,
Sara