Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Epic Dream

Today (my birthday! woo!) is *really* starting out on the right foot.

For starters... I had the most EPIC of all dreams last night. It was like God whipped me up something special. You see, in my dream, I was part of a secret spy organization of some kind who had to go around beating up the bad guys. In the beginning, I was given the opportunity to meet Lady Gaga... which I was toootally stoked for, because I really like Lady Gaga. And Lady Gaga did not disappoint. She was certifiably insane. She was dressed in this all white costume thing with feathers and God only knows what else, with this crazy makeup on and insanely long eyelashes, and she just kind of serpentined over to me (I don't know how to explain it.... her head was very snake-like) and almost got too close for comfort, but I remembered (in my dream) that the way to calm the Gaga beast was to stare right into her eyes (it earns her respect) no matter what, and never let go. So Lady Gaga is gettin all up in my bizznass and I couldn't stop staring at her comically made-up face, and she was yelling at me for being backstage when I wasn't allowed to be, but I was like, "No way girl, I'm here and I'm meeting you!" So I got into a little staredown with Gaga and eventually she retreated and we became friends.

Then my dream jumped down to some dark alleyway where I engaged in some kind of business transaction with a shady character, and then my dream jumped to a scene where Morgan Freeman (yes, Morgan Freeman) and I were standing outside of a restaurant in the city. Morgan Freeman and I walked in and we had this plan to stick with as part of our secret spy mission, except it was a total set up. The bad guys started shooting at us, but as we were caught off guard we didn't have anything to defend ourselves, so we hid under tables and the bad guys left. And I looked over at Morgan Freeman and he was bleeding because a chunk of his ear got shot off, and I was like, "Dude! Your ear got shot off!" and he was like, "Oh don't worry about it, I'm fine" in his totally soothing Morgan Freeman voice. Unconvinced, I called 911 (but I was frustrated because I forgot that on cellphones, apparently, I had to dial 9 first to get out), and then I didn't know we were to get the ambulances to come to, and Morgan Freeman was just calmly giving me directions to give to the 911 operator and kept trying to butt in to tell the lady that he was fine, it was just a flesh wound. But before the ambulances even had a chance to come, we had to get our patooties out of there because the bad guys were back. And, oh my gosh, epic of all epic parts... a SCHOOL BUS showed up driven by BRADLEY COOPER and MATTHEW MCCONNAUGHEY as our getaway car. And this school bus was seriously badass... like, it had flames coming out of it and could go 0 to 60 in 95. So this engine is revving and waiting for us outside of the restaurant, and I can hear Bradley Cooper whoopin it up (I think he even had war paint painted on that gorgeous body of his), and then Mr. T and Darkwing Duck come out and tell us to hurry up. And then I woke up.

Please don't tell me that was not the most epic dream you have ever heard of. I can only explain it as a birthday present just for me, from God. You can't make this up.

Anyway. I need to go cash some checks and go to Kohls to get some more workout clothes. Wooohooooo. Adios. :o)

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Ouch.

I wrote this for my Weight Watchers blog... but then I decided to copy and paste it here, because I know the people who read this actually care about me, and I feel really bummed out right now and could use a friend who cares about me. :o)

*

Wednesday evening, I went out on a date with a friend... we'll call him Charlie. I met Charlie three years ago on a church retreat, and we started to really get close this past year. I really, really like Charlie. A lot. He is everything on my checklist. I feel so comfortable talking to him and being with him. This past semester especially we have really gotten super close. Like, we'd text each other every single day and talk on the phone at least once a week, which is pretty good considering I went to school 400 miles away. I was so excited because I just knew that this could turn into something really special. And Charlie and I talked about everything... religion to politics to embarrassing moments to secrets no one else knows. In hindsight, I think I should have done a better job at not getting so emotionally involved... but I was just so excited, you know?

Anyway. The date, in my opinion, went really well. I really enjoyed myself. It felt so comfortable... there was no awkward getting-to-know-you questions because we already knew that about each other. My face hurt at the end because of how much smiling I did. I warned him in advance that I wasn't ready for anything physical, and he was very respectful of that boundary. He didn't lay a hand on me except for a knee pat here and there and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the evening. Charlie and I have gone out a couple times before... but Wednesday was our first official date.

So I thought things went really well, but this morning Charlie called me and said, "So, Sara, I had a lot of fun on Wednesday, but I don't think there will be a second date. I felt like I was going out with my best friend and I didn't feel enough of a spark to want to risk our friendship. I think maybe we were just too far into the friend zone to make that transition into a relationship as easy as I would have liked." I was crushed. I didn't tell him that I actually really did enjoy our date and really did feel like there was something there... because apparently I'm an idiot. I should have seen it coming. And I wonder if maybe he would have felt that necessary spark if I had grabbed his hand or something... made some kind of physical move on him. I cried a whole lot today. I've just been so disappointed all year with my lack of weight loss, my lack of a job, and my lack of friends at home to hang out with... it just seems like nothing good ever happens for me.

But even though I'm still feeling rather broken up over the whole thing... when tempted to binge eat to feel better, I told myself out loud that eating junk food was not going to take the problem away, and that eating something healthy and going for a bike ride would at least give me something good, even if it wouldn't make the problem go away either. I'm really proud of myself for being able to have that moment of clarity. Granted tonight, when night came and I'm usually most vulnerable, I was not strong enough to say no to a pantry-raid... but the fact that I did once still gives me hope. I only binged once today, when I could have binged all day. Things are looking up.

Rejection majorly sucks. I don't know how to make this sick feeling go away. Charlie still wants to be friends (and I want that too... but I'm mad at him right now--how can he only give me one date to determine how much of a spark there is? I mean good God, give me a chance. I'm not going to instantly jump down your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your ear on the first date just because we started out as such good friends. God. And the fact that he just led me on the entire date or you know, the 6 or 7 months prior in all those text messages/phone calls/outings-in-the-city-when-I-was-home-on-break-and-he-paid-for-me-and-everything). He is having a housewarming party for himself and our friends from the retreat we work on in a couple weeks. I want to go, because I got a stinking cute bathing suit for the very occasion, sure to make him sweat a little. But at the same time... I don't know if I should. How do you get through this amount of suckitude in one piece? Hm.

I feel like death that was meant to be hot but just sat out for too long and is now cold and nasty.

Genius.

In a moment of weakness where I let my most recent heartbreak take control of me, I did a google search for, "How to find a husband." And this is what I found. Please check it out. Clearly, God knows what I need.
http://mailorderhusbands.net/order/

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Going to the movies alone.

I have an itch to go see a movie. But all my friends are busy or unresponsive to my text messages. I really want to see the A-Team. I haven't seen a movie in the theater in forever. I should just go by myself, right?

Can you believe that I've been sitting here for the past hour debating in my head whether or not to go? I just don't know. Is it worth it for me to fork over $9 on a Saturday night to go see a movie alone? Wouldn't that just confirm my notions that I'm a big loser who can't even find girl friends to go see a movie with? What's wrong with me? Why is this such a difficult decision for me to make?

I think I see the movie theater as something that should be a social activity, even if you aren't being social while you are watching the movie. It's an experience meant to be shared. I pay $9 for that experience to share with my friends. Would it be as worth it to pay $9 for an experience to share with myself?

...Am I worth $9?

It's now too late to catch the movie that I wanted to see. I should have just gone. But I don't know. I don't think I'm worth spending $9 on. Is that more pathetic than going to see the movie alone?

I should just get some wine.


*EDIT!*

Tonight I decided to have a couple glasses of wine. And I was feeling pretty relaaaaaxed, (I'm TOTES a lightweight apparently) and then I went in the pantry and found where my parents hid all their liquor. And you know, I started feeling bad that I never did anything rebellious as a teenager, so I sneaked out some vodka and made myself a screwdriver. It was a pretty weak screwdriver because I felt bad about taking the vodka without permission, but it felt good doing something that my parents have no idea I did. Even if I am almost 22. I need to make friends.

*end edit*

Friday, June 18, 2010

what to do... what.. to... do...

When you graduated college, were you positive of what you wanted to do after? At least have any ideas?

I feel like I'm just floating. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I liked theology in college but I don't think I really loved it, but then again, maybe I just didn't love the school part. Maybe there were just too many other factors involved for me to really enjoy the college experience, academics and all. I love learning and all... I don't love the part of juggling 50-page reading assignments for four different classes every day. I hated tests, and enjoyed papers, even if they were last-minute papers. I did not do well writing (and researching... whoops) papers the day before they were due, but I was fine given a week or two. I have always really loved my writing classes, and I loved reading what my peers had to write and helping them edit, and reading in general (as long as it was something I enjoyed... obviously. ha). I always got into a "zone" with that stuff.

Maybe I just feel like I'm floating because I didn't take any opportunities to experience something outside of my comfort zone in college. I went straight for campus ministry... which is all fine and well and everything... but it was safe. I always took the safe route, you know? I never made bad decisions. I was never an idiot in college. I wish I got more involved. I wish I kept up with music. I wish I was more involved with the Record, or with Pseudonym. I wish I joined art club... I'm actually a pretty good drawer and I always enjoyed working with clay. I always wanted to go to a PRISM meeting, believe it or not, but I never did, because I was too afraid of the possible "moral consequences" of looking outside of the box a little. Heck I was afraid to go to a bar, even after I turned 21, because of the possible "moral consequences." I did branch out and get that job driving the Link... which I think was one of the best decisions I made in college.

So what do I do? Is grad school a good option... a good way to get those experiences that I feel I missed out on? Is grad school a good option right NOW... when I only (probably... pending my driving abstract from Minnesota) have a part time bus driving job, and no other income, and lots of other loans to pay off already?

But what if I don't do grad school? I'll stay floating. I'll stay at home and earning money driving bus but probably won't be able to get another job because my availability will be so sporadic... I'd only be available 9 to 2ish and evening hours. It's worth a shot,and I might be able to find something, it's true. But hm. I almost feel like I will be missing something. I feel like I'm already missing something.

But what if I do? WHAT IF I DO!!! What if I go. What if I can finagle a way to do grad school. What if I really like it. What if.

And what if I hate it? What if I add it to my list of things that I regret? At least I'll have tried? Will I fall over the edge of a cliff? I might.

I have a hard time making decisions. I don't know what to do. But I'm not satisfied where I am right now... just... floating.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Birthday Wish.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. Usually long road trips bring me a lot of joy.
So I've decided that for my birthday this year, I am asking for a road trip somewhere. With someone(s). I'm not entirely sure where I want to wind up... I'm thinking a beach with an ocean (rather than a lake... sorry, Lake Michigan). But at the same time, I would also like my road trip to include a trip up to the arctic north, because some super weird part of me is actually missing Minnesota.

I've always wanted to go to California... but I do really like the beaches I've been to on the east coast... so... would I go for the tried and true, or an adventure? Going to California would probably give me some wiggle room to make a stop in Minnesota.

These are all just schemes, of course. I have no set plan. I have no money, either. That's why it would be a birthday present. That is what I really want. A girl can dream. :o)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Experiment. Muahaha

So you know what I've been thinking? I've been thinking that I have a ton of time this summer and nothing to do besides lay around and watch MTV True Life (which was basically my entire afternoon today). I need to find something productive to do with my life... something to keep me intellectually stimulated... something to push me outside of my comfort zone... something to give me some good experiences to beef up my resume. I was thinking about doing a project in which I spend the summer church hopping. I want to research and explore all types of faiths, and write about my experiences. I want to hit up my local library, learn about various religions, and visit their respective places of worship. I think it would be a real hootenanny.

I mean think of it. I would like to work with youth and young adults in a parish or campus setting. How the heck am I going to answer questions and give useful insight on perplexing religious issues if all I have is knowledge on our Judeo-Christian heritage? I mean, I know that knowledge is extremely necessary working in a preferably Catholic institution... however, not all youth and young adult are gung-ho about being Catholic. Maybe they *are* exploring other faiths. Maybe they *should* have a positive journey exploring these other faiths. Maybe I should open up my mind a little more. I do believe that it's important to get to know our neighbors. We don't have to agree with them, but we should be in conversation with them. I mean shoot. Jesus didn't just go around and say, "Hey. You're a Jew, right?" That didn't ever seem to be a prerequisite. Hot dog, Jesus just kind of went around and said, "Hey you, tax collector... yeah, let's be friends. No really. Friends. Like come to my house for dinner tonight. Mom's making a mean chicken broccoli casserole. What? You've never had a casserole before? Holy cow. Come over now. See the light." Okay he probably didn't say that exactly but you get the picture, right? I mean, Jesus even talked to the Gentiles. There's even a huge chunk of time where we have no freakin clue what the heck Jesus was doin with his big bad teenage self. Maybe Christopher Moore is onto something in his book "Lamb" when he suggested Jesus was going around learning other religious practices. Or maybe not. I mean you figure the guy is God and should know it all anyway. But I digress.

I do not know it all. I do know that Jesus has this unbelievable (but you better believe it!!!) message of love. He loves us too much to suggest we stay in the same state in which we met him... but he loves us enough to leave that option of change up to us. Jesus obviously got past social norms and loved everyone regardless of who they were or what their social status was. So why can't this love translate over modern boundaries? Why is it that I've been baptized and confirmed Catholic, but I've never been to a synagogue? Why not go to a Muslim mosque? Same God, right? Why not even go be a baptist or pentecostal for a day, and explore non-Catholic theologies? Why not go completely off the beaten path and go to some Hindu temple and observe without necessarily compromising my own beliefs by engaging in worship? Wouldn't that be fun? I mean, I don't want to convert, I don't want to evangelize my own faith. I just want to learn and open up my mind a little more. I want to build positive connections between other religious faiths and not be so ignorant. I want to relate to people better.

So I was thinking... maybe I'll research various places of worship in the general Chicagoland area. Maybe I'll go to some services. Maybe I'll check out my local library. Maybe I'll blog about it. What do you think? Would that be interesting to read? Do you have any comments or suggestions?

Sunday, June 6, 2010

a little off target...

So my interview at Target was a major fail. There were multiple factors involved in my epic failure:
1) I did *not* want the job I was applying for whatsoever. I showed up and they said, "We will be interviewing you for the 5-9am shift unloading trucks." I should have left right then.
2) I was ticked that they took 45 minutes of my life away filling out a paper version of the online personality survey I already filled out upon sending in my application. The only thing different, I kid you not, were the 2 pages of graphs questions at the end. The other 8 pages were the exact.fricking.same.thing.
3) I was nervous. Really nervous. I could only come up with bus stories.
4) I flat out lied on a couple questions.

I know the interview didn't go well because the majority of my comments went under a "low strengths" section. Furthermore, the guy before me who was applying for the exact same job was hired on the spot, whereas I was told that an ambiguous someone would be contacting me in the next couple weeks with a decision.

I know that I could have done better. For starters, I need an attitude change. I need to get my head out of my butt and just take whatever God decides to send me... whether it's Target or somewhere else. I *know* it's not fair that I spent money I don't have to study my ass off for 4 years at a private Catholic institution of higher learning 400 miles away from home and endured many spiritual and emotional issues in between, in order to earn a piece of paper that tells me I'm qualified for more than unloading boxes from a truck at Target, only to be applying to Target to unload boxes from a truck... but it was something. An opportunity. I do take full responsibility in the mess I made of the opportunity because of my cocky attitude. I cannot have everything I want immediately. I might need to work on it. Touche, God.

But in my defense, it was my first *real* job interview. I really *was* nervous. I really had no idea what to talk about, and I really did get intimidated by my frequent awkward silences. But I am grateful for the experience, because now that I have had this bad one, I know that I can only get better... so one day, when I am interviewing for my dream job, I won't screw it up again.

After my interview at Target, I decided to go cash a "paycheck" from my "job" at Holy Family (I put those in quotation marks because I don't consider it anything more than a way for me to get out of the house once in awhile... I earn well under minimum wage at that job and am scheduled for 2 shifts in the entire month of June), and after realizing I was overdrawn on my checking account somehow and only had a small amount in there, meaning that I couldn't go shopping for fun undies like I had originally wanted... I had a breakdown. It was really bad. I sat in the parking lot and couldn't stop crying. Awful doesn't even begin to describe it. I felt literally at the bottom of my rope. I have no job yet, no money in my checking or savings account, I haven't heard from my roommates since I left and felt like they just forgot about me even though I've been texting them at least once a week just to say hi... I felt like a complete failure. I started to panic about paying back my loans if I only had that small amount in my checking account with no steady income. I seriously felt like the sky was falling. I could have puked. It was so terrible. I yelled at God. I threatened God. And then somehow, out of nowhere, I just felt this incredible surge of strength. I realized that I had a choice... I could either sit around in the car and cry and possibly puke, or I could take advantage of the fact that I had the car for the day and go around and pick up applications and keep trying. It was this amazing "fight-or-flight" response and I realized that I am completely capable of overcoming obstacles. I'm so stressed out right now... so much more stressed out than I have ever been trying to meet deadlines for school... but I'm getting my strength to keep going and not throw myself in front of a bus somehow.

So I started the car again, went to Lens Crafters to get my glasses adjusted (they were totally crooked on my face... which I'm sure made a great impression on the folks at Target... haha), and then I just followed my gut and went to Barnes and Noble. I have been wanted to go all week, but I actually did today, only to learn that they were secretly looking for a couple new employees, so I said, "Hi. I'm Sara. I LOVE books a LOT. Can I have a job?" and filled out an application. I think I also talked to a manager at one point, too, upon handing in my completed application, because he was dressed sharp like a manager should, and he took an interest in my application and started asking me questions about it and about myself, and I was friendly and myself and said that while I have no real experience with retail, I love books, and I love helping people, and that should show some kind of potential, right? Furthermore, Barnes and Noble is a great place for me to work as a graduate student of writing and publishing. JUST HIRE ME ALREADY. I love Barnes and Noble a heck of a lot more than Target (though Target is really sweet-o-matic, don't get me wrong... I just seriously love books. My senior year of high school I took my Valentine's Day date to Barnes and Noble with me after dinner to look at books and smell them for awhile and the poor guy actually did. it was great. so romantic. but I digress).

So anyway. That's how my Target interview went. Not quite a bulls-eye, but still not entirely awful either.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Sugar Daddys

You know... I could just have one. A sugar daddy. An outrageously wealthy man who will pay off my loans for me in return for you know. "Love." Why not. This could make an interesting short story. If I wasn't so darn independent and desiring of true love with my intimate marital encounters, I could very well sign up for a site such as sugardaddies.com and find myself a handsome bag of money to date. I always knew there was something behind the whole "Bennies marrying Johnnies" scam...

This is desperation at its finest. I have a job interview at Target tomorrow. I really do not want to work at Target, but I need the money, so please pray that I at least get seasonal work, or get an interview for a better job asap.

Ga-ga for Gaga.

I think Lady Gaga is one of those people I would love to sit and have dinner with. I'd even cook it for her. I used to really be put off by her, but you know what, I have seen the light. At first I hated her music. Then I started to tap my feet a little. Then I started to sing her songs in the car. And then I started watching her interviews with Barbara Walters, and now with Larry King, and you know what? I really love her. I think she's fantastic... just as a person in general... at least from what I know of her through her interviews. She comes across as one of the most sincere, intelligent and genuinely talented performers I have seen in a long time. I would love to sit and have coffee with her. Or cook her a meatloaf... because I think that's one of the only food items I can make well.

That's all.