Friday, June 18, 2010

what to do... what.. to... do...

When you graduated college, were you positive of what you wanted to do after? At least have any ideas?

I feel like I'm just floating. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I liked theology in college but I don't think I really loved it, but then again, maybe I just didn't love the school part. Maybe there were just too many other factors involved for me to really enjoy the college experience, academics and all. I love learning and all... I don't love the part of juggling 50-page reading assignments for four different classes every day. I hated tests, and enjoyed papers, even if they were last-minute papers. I did not do well writing (and researching... whoops) papers the day before they were due, but I was fine given a week or two. I have always really loved my writing classes, and I loved reading what my peers had to write and helping them edit, and reading in general (as long as it was something I enjoyed... obviously. ha). I always got into a "zone" with that stuff.

Maybe I just feel like I'm floating because I didn't take any opportunities to experience something outside of my comfort zone in college. I went straight for campus ministry... which is all fine and well and everything... but it was safe. I always took the safe route, you know? I never made bad decisions. I was never an idiot in college. I wish I got more involved. I wish I kept up with music. I wish I was more involved with the Record, or with Pseudonym. I wish I joined art club... I'm actually a pretty good drawer and I always enjoyed working with clay. I always wanted to go to a PRISM meeting, believe it or not, but I never did, because I was too afraid of the possible "moral consequences" of looking outside of the box a little. Heck I was afraid to go to a bar, even after I turned 21, because of the possible "moral consequences." I did branch out and get that job driving the Link... which I think was one of the best decisions I made in college.

So what do I do? Is grad school a good option... a good way to get those experiences that I feel I missed out on? Is grad school a good option right NOW... when I only (probably... pending my driving abstract from Minnesota) have a part time bus driving job, and no other income, and lots of other loans to pay off already?

But what if I don't do grad school? I'll stay floating. I'll stay at home and earning money driving bus but probably won't be able to get another job because my availability will be so sporadic... I'd only be available 9 to 2ish and evening hours. It's worth a shot,and I might be able to find something, it's true. But hm. I almost feel like I will be missing something. I feel like I'm already missing something.

But what if I do? WHAT IF I DO!!! What if I go. What if I can finagle a way to do grad school. What if I really like it. What if.

And what if I hate it? What if I add it to my list of things that I regret? At least I'll have tried? Will I fall over the edge of a cliff? I might.

I have a hard time making decisions. I don't know what to do. But I'm not satisfied where I am right now... just... floating.

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