Thursday, October 29, 2009

Is Chivalry Dead?

The other evening I ate a delicious apple-cinnamon muffin at a local dining establishment with a couple friends at a homework party. The muffin was even beyond delicious... it was warm and full of love and pretty much exactly what my little tummy was seeking after a long day of sneezing and sniffling. At the end of the evening as we were paying for the food we consumed, I went to pull out my $5 bill to take care of my delectable muffin, when one of my friends quickly told the waitress to put my order with his. At first I protested, as I was ready and able to take care of it, and I ordered it with the intention to pay for it, but he insisted, and I would be stupid to just let the opportunity pass me by. I mean, if the man wanted to pay for my food, then let him pay for it! He said, "I'm just trying to be a gentleman. Is chivalry dead?"

And so I thought about it. My mom has beaten it into my head that I need to be independent and responsible for myself and myself only. I cannot and should not rely on a man or become dependant on him for anything. If I have a problem, I have to figure out my own solution. In general, I don't like asking people for help. I don't like having to admit that I need someone to cover my work shift because I'm sick... I'd rather just power through it and take the responsibility. I don't like asking for rides to the airport... but sometimes I just have to admit that I cannot afford a round trip airport shuttle, as it's the cost of half a plane ticket. In my last dating relationship, I felt bad when he paid for me at first (though I did warm up to it eventually and did some leg pulling to make it happen... heh heh). I don't really care if anyone opens a door for me or not... either way, that door is opening, and I'm going through it. I would prefer to just take care of myself... not only because it's been beaten into my brain... but because many times in the past, people have failed me and screwed me over when I tried to depend on them just a little bit.

So what's wrong with a young man paying for an apple-cinnamon muffin? Why is it so hard to do? It was a nice and generous offer made out of the kindness of his sweet little heart. Granted, the muffin was only $2.50, and in the grand scheme of things, not a big deal... but the offer was just so different to what I've been accustomed to that it really took me aback. It's an action that still left some kind of imprint on me... that someone would care enough to pay for my delicious $2.50 apple-cinnamon muffin, just because he's my friend. I didn't even have to guilt him into it... he just did it without a second thought. It's so strange to me that someone would actually do that. It's not a bad thing, either... maybe I *have* been under a ton of stress especially in this past week trying to figure my life out and how to pay for that random $3000 I owe the school somehow... maybe I *do* try to be too independent... maybe my independent streak causes me more stress than it should and sometime I'm going to have to learn how to trust other people with parts of myself... even if it's as small and simple as a $2.50 muffin. Maybe he didn't have any ulterior motives behind paying for it. Maybe it really was an act of kindness. Maybe I just need to stop being so suspicious of people and just trust.

I mean. For pete's sake... it's a muffin. I took the muffin to a spiritual level. It was a witness of God's love for me... that sometimes I flat out tell God that I don't trust him to take care of me, and that I would like to one day, but today it's just not gonna happen. Sometimes I look at offers that God gives me for happiness and I don't trust in that goodness and instead, try to handle things my way. My friend's nice action was an example of God's love for me, and how God doesn't just provide for me because he wants something in return... he does it because he loves me.

So if chivalry is dead, then we should probably work at bringing it back. If free muffins are in my future, maybe I want to embrace my future. Maybe life doesn't have to be so bleak and stressful because maybe I don't have to do it alone. Maybe there should be people willing to open doors and pay for your muffins because they are being chivalrous... they are being examples of God's love for you... and you should just accept it.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The future

Today I sat in my seat after receiving the Eucharist at Mass. In my chat with Jesus, my thoughts drifted to my future and how I've been seriously freaking myself out about it for the past week or so... how just a couple nights ago I freaked out so bad I lost sleep over it. It was awful. I started to talk to Jesus about how scared out of my mind I am to graduate and how I have absolutely no idea what to do... how the options for volunteering, moving back home, finding a job and my own apartment, or going straight to grad school, all seem almost equally appealing to me. I have no idea what to do... and it's October. Most people seem to have this all figured out by now. But I have no idea. And now I'm getting overwhelmed. Do I apply for volunteering or for grad school or for youth ministry jobs? Do I apply for all three? Do you realize how stressful that is? How am I supposed to do anything without money? How am I supposed to get my own apartment and car to get to my job? How am I supposed to pay for all of my own bills and groceries and loans? How am I going to survive a year after graduation without winding up broke and homeless?

I started to freak out again. Question after question... I challenged God. What the stink is He thinking???? Trusting me to be an adult? What?

And then... almost as if it were planned... a verse was sung and it caught my attention. The verse... of course I don't remember the words exaaactly... but it was about not worrying about tomorrow... about how God will take care of us... about how God cares for each bird in the sky and has every hair on my head counted... so surely I do not need to worry about anything, because God will not abandon me.

Touche, God (I even said this out loud). You win this time. Of course it's not a direct answer to my question... but I know mysterious is your style... so I guess I'll just have to try to chill out and let my life kind of work out the way it needs to.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

STOP IT!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT! Stop fricking getting engaged, people. Stop getting married. You haven't even graduated yet. Just chill out. Stop it.

There just may be a part of me protesting simply because I'm considering being single for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is an option worth looking into. Would I want to get married to Jesus? Probably not. Don't get me wrong... I've thought about it... a lot. A lot more than you think I have. I usually don't talk about things like me and my vocation in terms of single life, married life, or religious life.

But now... the topic is unavoidable. So many people from high school are married already, and if not married already, already engaged. Too many people are recently engaged. I guess I'm happy for them.... I mostly don't care about their happiness, to be honest, due to a variety of reasons... most of them that involve being bitter about something or other. And I realize that the "Christian" response would be to just be happy for them and their life change... but... I'm gonna call bullshit on this.

Seriously? You're engaged. You haven't even graduated college yet. You're a year younger than I am. And you're engaged.

The part of this that I'm taken aback by isn't that these people are engaged... it's that I'm automatically comparing myself to them. My shock isn't for them... my motives are entirely selfish.

I feel like I'm missing the boat.

Granted... next year, I think I might volunteer. Or get a job. Or go to school. I don't know what the flying fudge I am going to be doing. That's a whole other blog post. But now I'm wondering... maybe I will be single. And you know, the single life isn't entirely unappealing to me. I wouldn't have to account for anyone but myself. I could rely solely on myself and I wouldn't have to deal with the mess of disappointment and false promises. I like the idea of being independent. I like the idea of living on my own and managing my own finances and figuring all that stuff out for myself, rather than depending on someone else to take care of it for me. But maybe I wouldn't mind companionship either, you know? Maybe I would like a family one day. Maybe I would like to be a mother one day. Maybe I would like to fall in love, get married, and raise a family that loves each other and that forgives each other and is the exact opposite of this bullshit family I have. I mean okay... my family isn't complete bullshit... but I'd make it a good 85% shit straight from a bull. Even after missing my family for 3 months... just spending less than 2 nights under the same roof makes me want a stiff drink... which says a lot, since I drink maybe once every blue moon. Now I am off topic.

On topic--stop getting engaged. Just stop doing it. Stop shoving my singleness in my face. Stop reminding me that I haven't seriously dated anyone since high school. Stop reminding me that perpetual singleness just might be an option for me. Graduate. Go live in a foreign country for a year. Do something with your life. Do something wild and crazy. Get married later.

Of course I have friends who are married already and have been married for quite some time. It's still weird for me that they are actually married. I'm not saying it's bad to get married young. I'm simply saying that I'm sick of seeing everyone getting engaged and married within weeks of each other. It makes me want to hurl.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

You don't know who I AM?

Yesterday I was at my gate at the airport, waiting to board my plane. I was in group 2, and there was a fairly large number of people standing behind me, when one gentleman approached the counter and demanded the attention of the attendant who was trying to check me in. He's one of *those* guys... with the expensive Italian suits on, bluetooth in ear, important leather briefcase in hand, and constipated look on his face. He wanted to get on this flight because he missed his last flight. I wait patiently as this important-looking man holds up the entire line so that he can be helped... even though he very well could have just 5 minutes ago, before everyone started boarding. The flight attendant made some calls and could not help this man.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot do that for you."
"Excuse me? Are you sure? Do you know who I am? Does executive platinum platinum mean ANYTHING to you people?"
I almost died. Twice. I snickered a little and the man looked at me clearly irritated. Executive platinum platinum. That means nothing to me. The man could be the Pope and I would still make him wait, damnit. Of course the man can get a ticket now. And he gets upgraded to first class. Why would executive platinum platinum members sit in coach? Seriously. Don't you know who this guy is? He's executive platinum platinum. Not executive. Not executive platinum. Executive platinum platinum.
At least he didn't request to jump to the front of the line, too. Silly man. I bet he'd feel a lot better if he made a good visit to the bathroom and rid himself of all the evil that was accumulating in his poor 5'7" body.

Monday, October 5, 2009

philosophy of dating?

I have to write a position paper for a class on what my philosophy of dating is. I'm not exactly sure what to write. I mean, I haven't exactly been beating down the boys with a blunt object... but it's not like I'm a lost cause. I've had dates to the majority of the dances at school, one relationship my senior year of high school, and one legit date in college. I know I'm capable of attracting someone. I think I'm just really choosy, and I don't think this is a bad thing.

I don't outwardly flirt with just anyone and make myself part of the typical "hook up" scene because I know who I am. I am a child of God. I'm in love with my Father. I want to be with someone who is also in love with God like I am. Because then this way, the love I have for my significant other will reflect the love I have for my Father, and vice versa. My significant other will recognize me as a child of God, and he will treat me as such, and I will recognize my significant other as a child of God and I will treat him as such. I believe any relationship I have, whether it's romantic or platonic, should help me become the best version of myself, because God is constantly molding me into the best version of myself. Hooking up doesn't appeal to me because I'm not interested in treating a young man as an object for my personal satisfaction. God would never do that to me, and I would never do that to any of his children. I want spend time getting to know a person either on a friend level or via casual dates before entering into a relationship with that person. I don't think dating should be rushed, but it should still be moving.

So maybe I have taken an interest in someone, and I want to get to know him more. I wouldn't be opposed to going on dates with him as long as I've gotten to know him enough to where I'm comfortable being myself around him and can trust him enough to be respectful of me and my feelings/thoughts/opinions. If I'm already friends with a person, maybe it's just a matter of discussing the feelings and taking it to the next level.

Either way, I want to be "wooed." I want to be romanced. I want daisies. I want butterflies in my stomach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to go on dates in which the young man will pick me up and take me out to dinner. I wouldn't even mind getting picked up to go to the caf. It just has to be a legit date. None of this "Oh well, I like you and you like me, so maybe we should just tell everyone that we're boyfriend and girlfriend" business. Nope. Dates. They did it in the olden days... we can do it now. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. I'm not expecting the young man in question to spend all his money on me. I am expecting thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness doesn't have to cost money. It could be as simple as cooking dinner for me, or just being there to hang out and shoot the breeze, or going for a walk. I want someone who knows that if they intentionally hurt me, they will have my family, my friends, and my God to answer to. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. :o)

And if I find someone who I want to enter into a relationship with... I think I can bring just as much to him. I can take him on dates. I can attempt to cook him dinner (or at least muffins.... I'm good at muffins). I am patient and I am caring and thoughtful and I am a good listener. It might take me awhile to warm up to new people... but when I do... I think I can be a good friend. I can give him his space and I desire space for myself too. I'm comfortable enough with myself to not be clingy or jealous and I don't think it takes a lot to keep me happy. I don't want to be completely dependent on a person... I want to figure out how I can accomplish tasks myself and be responsible for my own life. I can see the bigger picture, so I am more willing to overlook the little details. I'm a complete goofball and I know when to be serious, too. I'm a lot more grown up than I was in high school.

So. Maybe I'll just take some of that and throw it into my paper. hm. Indeed.