Monday, May 31, 2010

"Be Sara"

I just finished reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. One of her keys to happiness involves "Being Gretchen." She explains this by saying that she should stay true to what has made her happy and what continues to make her happy, even if it seems silly to other people. She loved scrapbooking and reading children's literature... and when she could do those things, even if they seemed like a waste of time for other people, she discovered a happier version of herself. And so it got me thinking... what would it mean to "Be Sara?" What has made me happy and continues to make me happy? What are some themes of play that have carried over into my adult life?

I immediately thought of writing, for one. I've kept a diary since I was at least in 2nd grade. I loved writing everything down. As I grew older, I recognized the importance of keeping diaries, not only for my own memory's sake, but for the sake of my future children, who will one day be teenagers who point their fingers at me and say that I just don't understand. I could whip out one of those bad boys and say, "Why yes, little one, I do indeed understand... Exhibit A." Writing was always my main means of expressing myself. I didn't have many real-life friends as a kid (which was fine--I was content playing by myself for the most part, and the friends I did have I really loved), but I had a ton of pen pals. One pen pal per state, minimum. And then I had a handful of pals from countries I had never heard of, such as Latvia or Ghana. I loved and love to write letters. Sending and receiving mail always brought me an insane amount of joy. Writing letters has always been one of those things that I gave up on as I got older because I let other things take a higher priority... such as doing homework and volunteering. When i was younger, I also had an "Expage" website (called "Sara's Giggle Page") which I updated regularly with the happenings of my life and everything else I deemed important (I'm pretty sure it could be equivalent to my first web blog). I even have a little notebook with different HTML codes so I could do cool things with my webpage... like making the background flash different colors when the mouse hovered over a link, or having that cool text that followed the mouse around the screen.

I also loved to read. I used to challenge myself to read a book a day. I was often successful.I distinctly remember a story about a kid who renamed a pen to be called a "frindle." Reading like that has taken the backseat to reading for school... which often left me so exhausted I didn't even want to read for myself anymore.

I volunteered a lot. I loved volunteering at PADS sites for the homeless. I think that was my favorite place to volunteer. I also spent a lot of time in youth ministry. I did everything. I think I even got a little cocky when it came to my faith, too. I became a bible-thumper at one point. I never liked my bible-thumper tendencies... but especially near the end of high school, the friends I had made were fairly bible-thumpery (not necessarily in a bad way) so it makes sense.

I had my whole wedding planned out when I was younger, too, though I was always up in arms about what my dress would be like. On one hand, I wanted the pouffy dress... but on the other, I wanted a 40's theme wedding, where all the men would be in suits with tails and canes and tophats and the ladies would wear some kind of vintage-y dress too, and I would have a live band to play jazz music, which meant that when it came down to my dress, it probably wouldn't fit to have a big pouffy one. I know that I wanted to get married and have at least two children.

I always loved driving around. I really do miss my 1990 Ford Thunderbird Supercoupe... even if it did take only premium gasoline and was breaking down and I couldn't afford it.

I also loved going to the pool... at least up until the point where I realized my body looked different than everyone else.

Maybe I should get back to these old habits. Maybe I should get a pen pal or 50. Maybe if I got back in touch with who I was, then I can figure out who the heck I am called to be.

Be Sara. How can you "Be (Your Name)"?

Friday, May 28, 2010

Is this company for real?

Okay. So. After once again reaching a point of being ready to give up in my job search after making phone calls and being denied interviews (even from District 15 for bus driving... what. the. heck), I hopped on monster.com and found this little beauty of an ad. Please tell me they're real.

Customer Service Representative

About the Job

We are looking for a highly motivated and organized customer service representative that can handle a heavy volume of emails and phone calls.​

A majority of your day will consist of answering emails and phone calls.​ Other miscellaneous office-type duties will range anywhere from sending faxes and mailing letters to packing an order, troubleshooting computer issues and entering lists of data into spreadsheets.​

Who We Are:
We are a small family-owned company with a team of 15 other "rock star" team members looking for the perfect customer service representative.​ We offer a fun and flexible team-oriented environment where hard work and contributions do not go unnoticed.​

Office dress code is casual.​ Hours are flexible although phone lines are open 9 to 4 so at least one CSR needs to be in at 9 each day.​ Everyone is treated like a professional; we don't have a lot of rules.​ We offer a happy, relaxed, clean, fun and comfortable place to work and we've never had anyone quit.​ Everyone in our office knows each other and we are all one big, happy (mostly!) family.​ There will be an occasional late night or weekend that you will be required to work to finish a project.​ We typically work 8am to 5pm on weekdays and no weekends.​ We are more than happy to work around a student's class schedule or other circumstances.​ All major holidays are considered paid time-off.​ The period in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a busy time of year for us and it is likely that you would be required to work 60 hours a week for a maximum of 4 weeks during that period.​ We do pay overtime over 40 hours.​

Our business is in the craft, hobby, and design industry, so if you love watching Martha Stewart, you will probably love this job (although you have to love customer service too since that would be your primary role).​

Required Qualifications:
Must have a minimum of 2 years experience with customer service, Microsoft Outlook and Microsoft Excel.​ Fast and accurate typing is a must.​ Candidates must be able to write professional emails and deal with a variety of customer issues in a professional manner.​ Computer skills are required.​ Must be familiar with Microsoft Word.​ Must be highly organized, focused, flexible, a self-starter and a team player.​ Must be able to produce quality work efficiently and under time constraints.​ Advanced computer skills desired.​ If you regularly use the "F1" key on the keyboard (help) or search for answers to your computer issues on your own using Google, you are the employee of our dreams! Do you use key combinations like "Alt" +​ "Tab"?​ Even better! Do you research advanced Excel techniques to make tedious tasks go more quickly?​ If so and you meet our qualifications, then please please please apply!

How to get your resume read:
Each time we post a help wanted ad, we receive hundreds of resumes and cover letters to sort through and it is often impossible to go through each of these, let alone interview each of you.​ If you've read this job ad and it sounds interesting and you really want to be noticed, put the formality aside and please please please DO NOT send us boring cover letters that you copied from a book or the internet telling us how "intriguing" our company sounds and how you are a "hard worker and detail-oriented".​ This means very little to us as every other cover letter we receive also states those exact same traits.​

Instead send us an e-mail and try to sound human. ​ Remember! Formality aside; we won't fault you for it.​ Tell us how you've used Outlook for 5 years, you love learning how to use new applications, but you've been out of the workforce for 3 years and you're ready to jump back in and wanting to learn again.​ Or tell us that you've always been the top performer, you love paperwork, you can't seem to find a job you love, and that's why you're applying for this one.​ Tell us something that makes you STAND OUT!!! If you really want this job, sending us a resume and e-mail that stands out illustrates that point for us.​

What we're looking for:
We only hire rock stars; others need not apply.​ And when we say "rock stars" we mean candidates that are hard-working, loyal, highly intelligent, love to change/​improve business processes, fix problems once and for all, know how to contribute to the team, have a positive attitude, bring ideas with them to meetings, and care about our company like it is their own.​ And, last but not least, rock stars are star performers who are self-motivated.​ We don't have a lot of middle management in our company because we don't need any.​ Team members know what their jobs entail and work hard.​

If you're previous boss had nothing but good things to say about you, you're probably a rock star.​ If you were always rated the top performed on your team, you're probably a rock star.​ If everyone always came to you to help with their work-related issues (that weren't even related to your job), you're probably a rock star.​

So, if you're a rock star, be ready to tell us how and why and this position is yours!

And if you think you're a rock star, you probably are, so don't be scared away by our ad.​


*

My guess is that their family business involves not only selling the acid, but testing it. I'm pretty sure that this is my dream job, as I am indeed a rock star. Oh, job search, how I hate you, and yet, how I love you.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

and the birds sing doot doot doot!!!

Today I started to feel really down on myself when my friend texted me to say that our plans to go downtown to a swanky piano bar were canceled. One of her friends was going to have a party there, which meant the otherwise crazy cover charge would be dropped... which would make the experience even better. Anyway I guess this friend called her and said he was canceling and rescheduling because not enough of his friends could come for it to be considered a party, so we are no longer going. And I was legitimately disappointed... I was really looking forward to it. It sounded like a ton of fun, and I was ready to finally go out to a bar and excited that I was even invited somewhere to begin with. So I was bummed to have our plans canceled. And then my thoughts just kind of spiraled out of control. It's not fair that when I make plans, things don't ever seem to turn out the way I want them to. It's not fair that I keep getting disappointed like this. It's not fair that I haven't found a job yet. It's not fair that I can't afford to move out. It's not fair that I can't afford my own car. It's not fair that I'm ready to do something with my life, but it seems like a black cloud just keeps following me around and making it impossible for any of my dreams to come true. It's just not fair. Maybe that's a bit drama-queeney... but I'm really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I should have had this all taken care of by now. It seems like all of my other friends who graduated have been able to find a job, or at least get to the interviewing stage. Why not me? What did I ever do wrong?

Anyway. I was really beating myself up over it and felt genuinely saddened over all of this stuff, when ke$ha popped up on the radio, and I realized, you know what? At least when I wake up in the morning, I do not feel like p.diddy, and I do not have an alcohol problem which makes me desire to brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, and I find men who don't look like Mick Jagger attractive. I've got a lot going for me. And then I started to laugh.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family who understands and supports me, even if they get on my nerves. I have friends who invite me out and want to keep in touch with me. I have great connections through church that will hopefully help me find a job somewhere if I just stick with it. I am determined, I am smart, I have a degree, and I have plans for a future degree. I am capable of a job which would put my gifts and talents to use and make a difference in the world, rather than settling for a job pushing carts at the grocery store. I am alive and in good health. I have food on my plate and a roof over my head. And I have a God who loves me still no matter how much I stick my tongue out at him/her and piss and moan about how my life sucks because my Mom made me make my bed this morning.

So in the end, I feel better, thanks to ke$ha. What are you thankful for?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Xanga

When you get a chance, you should really check out: http://www.xanga.com/lilfish007. Yep. Xanga. The first blog I ever kept. It dates all the way back to 2004. And it's heavily written in. You could pick any month, any day, any year (but not prior to June/July of 2004) and read it. In fact, I encourage it. And then let me know where that girl went. I want to find her again.

You know, I think what I liked so much about my xanga was that I wrote in it all the time. Even when I had nothing to say. Exhibit A:
Sunday, May 20, 2007

I don't really have anything of substance to report besides the fact that it is currently 4:29 AM and I'm still online. In fact, I can hear the birds chirping outside right now. I'm pretty tired... but I'm not quite ready to go to sleep yet, either. It's a crazy life I lead indeed.

Do I have anything important to say?

...

Sometimes silence is good.

Sometimes, silence is good.

Sometimes. Silence. Good.

Silence is good... sometimes.

Silence is good sometimes.

SILENCE IS GOOD SOMETIMES!!!!

Sometimes silence is good?

Sometimes silence is good?!

SOMETIMES silence is good?

Sometimes SILENCE is good?

Sometimes silence is GOOD?

Silence.

It's good sometimes.

Sometimes there just aren't any words. Sometimes... it's just... silence.



If that's not poetry, I don't noetry! (badum)

I'll even take my Xanga-lock off for you if you comment and say that you don't have a Xanga and can't read it. I put it on there to control who reads it. But you know, there's some good stuff in there.

Do you ever feel like college has just completely changed you in a bad way? I mean don't get me wrong, I think college has changed me in many good ways. I can think more critically, for example, and better analyze situations and (siderant: Mom just walked in, took a look at my half unpacked things and said, "Well, looks like you did a lot here" [please note the sarcasm]. She then asked me what I had to do today, and when I said, "I don't know, maybe take a walk" she said, "Well I have to do this and this and this and this and this. As you can see, my day is full," just rubbing it in, saying one thing and saying "get off your ass and do something" in mom-language. I hate when she does that. I hate it. I hate how ever since I came home on Sunday I feel unwelcome. But there's nothing I can do about it. I've BEEN applying for jobs. I don't HAVE anything to do or anywhere to go. I just graduated. There's nothing for me. I love when I can come home and feel welcome here and like an adult... but honestly. I'm tired of this already. I just want to move out. But I CAN'T because I don't have a JOB yet. I'm a wee bit frustrated) think theologically? But I think that I've shrunk in a lot of places, instead of grown. I'm more afraid now, I don't get out as often (seriously--almost every single weekend my sophomore and senior years... maybe not as bad junior year... were spent alone baking, or watching TLC), I'm a lot more selfish. I don't embrace life with the same kind of fervor that I once did. When I graduated, I took pictures with the people that I wanted to, and I got out of there. I didn't even care. I mean, I was proud of myself for graduating, but I could care less about actually coming back. I miss maybe one-two friends, and I definitely miss bus driving, but other than that.. honestly... I don't feel like I did anything. I feel like I just let life happen those past four years. I don't have any significant accomplishments. I did not cry at my graduation. I did not cry upon leaving. I said goodbye to who I wanted and left. Like I only spent a weekend there.

And I hate that. I hate being so apathetic. I feel like I got lost somewhere and refused to ask for directions because I'm rather stubborn sometimes and occasionally too prideful in myself. I feel like I'm in this space where yesterday was high school and tomorrow is being a real adult and there was this foggy thing that also happened somewhere but now that it's gone it's just gone... because i never really connected home and school all that well anyway. It's a weird limbo-land. I want to be home but I'm sick of my parents and I want to grow up but I have zero confidence in myself or my abilities. It's really discouraging to have applied for all these jobs only to hear from no one, unless it was a rejection letter. What if I can't find a job? What if my 6 months come up and I still have no money and now I have to pay back my loans? Oh boy. I can't breathe anymore so I think I'm going to go try to do that. Sorry this got real icky. You should just read my xanga.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Fresh Starts

I have this strange affinity for starting over. I'm stuck in a perpetual rut where I'm constantly dissatisfied with what I have, so I want something new. But then I can't get over that initial hurdle of the blank slate, even though that's what I thought I wanted. The blank slate is intimidating. I know I wanted it, but I don't know why, or what to do with it.

For instance, I just graduated college and I am filling out job applications. I have this vague dream in my head that I would like to be a writer one day, but I have no idea what I would write or how I would go about accomplishing it. I don't even know what the end result would be from me being a writer... perhaps I would write articles for a magazine, or write a novel or two or twenty. But then the little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm not good enough, that I don't have anything interesting to say, and even if I did, I certainly don't have the talent to keep an audience interested. I would like to eventually be able to shove this little voice down the proverbial toilet, and I think to do this I need to practice, practice, practice. And read more. I think the key to good writing is good reading.

So. As I was writing this post, I decided to create yet another blog in the hopes that by making it less specific but still more professional-ish... so maybe one day I can be that big bad writer I've always dreamed of being.

I'll obviously keep this one for the two stalkers that I have (you KNOW who you are!). You'll still get all those juicy details that no one else cares about. It'll be fun. You'll see. But keep your eyes peeled for the day I am brave enough to tell you what that other blog is. It'll be a big deal if I even stick to it... because lets face it, I just start things, I don't actually see it through to its completion.

Even now, I have a hard time ending things. And this is my ending. Case in point.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Sara, this is your self, Sara, this is YOUR self. Pleased to meet you, Sara. Pleased to meet you too, friend.

Tonight I was gettin to thinkin about how little I actually know about myself anymore. I almost feel like a complete stranger to myself... but then I realized that I still know quite a bit about myself, so I'm at least an acquaintance. And then I realized that I know more than I think I know... I just haven't been listening to myself. Or have I? I think I need a retreat. A good one. One that I don't have to lead. One that's all about me and God. I could really go for that.

I know that I really love to laugh. And more than I love laughing... I love to make others laugh. I love coming up with creative metaphors, and I love to write. I love making up stories on the spot, and more often than not, these come out to be stories I'm pretty sure I should write down and make into children's books.

I know that I love listening to people and being a source of comfort for others. I love to help others see their situations in a different light, and I'm good at it.

I love the youth. I love to mentor them and watch them grow and be a guide for them on their spiritual journeys, as well as their intellectual and emotional and physical ones (not in a pedophile-kind of way, no worries, lol).

I love writing reflections for my QUEST group. I love being able to explain otherwise complex theological concepts for them in a language they can understand. I always feel pumped after that.

I love doing service for others. I feel at my best when I am doing service to others, as a matter of fact.

I also really love correcting/editing papers. And filling out forms. I'm in heaven if I have a long form to fill out. Unless it's a resume. Then I don't.

I love doing secret acts of kindness, like folding someone's laundry if it's still in the dryer and it's not underwear and I'm not too T.O.ed at the fact that they forgot about it. Or waiting that extra minute and a half for someone I see running down the street to catch the bus. Okay that example isn't quite so secret, but you catch my drift. Sometimes I pick a passenger and pray for them while I drive to St. Ben's/St. John's. That's pretty secretive.

I love baking. A lot. Whenever I'm feeling down, and I bake, it's an instant pick-me-up.

Okay. So knowing these couple things about myself... what the heck can I do for the rest of my life? Hm? That's the $100 question for the month. I'm looking at a few program coordinator jobs for a bunch of youth-related nonprofits. But sometimes... I just don't know. I don't know what I'm actually passionate about. And I want to do something meaningful. So what do I do?

Meanwhile, this gigantic pile of crapola in my bedroom isn't going to unpack itself, unfortunately, so I'm goin to have to hop to it. Adios, friends.

*Edit* My long search on Monster.com has provided me with a job listing as a Dating Coordinator. Fun? I think yes.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Epic Graduation

I just want to take a brief moment to describe to you how completely EPIC graduation was today.

It started even before graduation, when I went to brunch after Mass with the fam and realized that the line was way too long, and I would need to go grab my cap and gown right then if I wanted to change into it and make it to lineup on time. This was extremely lucky, as upon returning to my room, I realized that my cap was nowhere to be found. It either got mixed up in the bags that I packed up or in the bags that I threw away. I booked it to the bookstore where I was able to snag a new one for free. Then, my feet were hurting way too much, so I peeled off my shoes and ran across campus. I feel very fortunate for the past year that I've spent working out and starting a running routine, because I was able to run rather quickly all the way from the bookstore to the HCC without losing my breath. This may not be that huge for some, but for me, this was completely awesome. If I had attempted that this time last year, I would have been out of breath and passed out by the time I got to the library. Epic.

Brunch was okay. Not the greatest, but well, the school no longer needs to lure us in with good food, so why pull out all the stops?

Lineup was not so great. My heels were seriously killing me by this point. I almost fell over and died . I felt better when I got to see Sister Ephrem in line next to Kathy Cox as we were starting to file into the gym... as they were both shouting my name and waving over enthusiastically like proud parents. I felt amazing.

But this was the truly epic part. We walked in to the field house, and it was dark except for the spotlights up front and the ones aimed directly at us as we walked in. Everyone in the crowd stood around to watch us... flashes of light popped here and there out of the corners of my eyes, I immediately spotted my family, who sat in the second to last row, and was not ashamed to smile big and proud and wave and give them a thumbs up. The music was super regal-sounding, and combined with the crowd staring at me and the spotlights on me, I felt so proud of myself and like I was kind of a big deal. I completely forgot the pain in my feet and strutted down that aisle with my head held high. I felt like I was in a movie. It was just EPIC.

The speaker was really amazing. A bit long, but I loved everything she had to say. Our student speaker made me proud because she was gutsy enough to talk about how important the Johnnie culture was to us as our experiences as Bennies, right there in front of Baenniger, who was not that happy at all about it. I received a diploma cover with no diploma in it quite yet, but still, I felt so much joy and pride in myself and my journey. I'm super excited for what is to come.

Epic. Just epic.

Graduation.

Well. It's time. It's been a good run, but I'm about done. It was a rather tumultuous journey at times, and I often wondered if I would ever make it to this point, and now that I have... I think I'm finally proud of myself. College has been rough. I've been learning a bunch about myself. Sometimes I wonder where I went these past four years. What happened to the Sara who could have fun playing with tinfoil? The Sara who was passionate about changing the world? The Sara with the simple faith? But sometimes, like this moment, I am quite proud of myself, in all my messiness. I had lots of opportunities to give up. But I powered through it. Sometimes I wonder if powering through that pain really amounted to anything, as I feel like I've taken 5 steps back from where I started. But at the same time, powering through the pain and realizing I can still be alive and kickin at the end of it is oddly empowering.

A lot of times I don't think I'll ever amount to anything significant. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm so frustrated with God for putting people in my life and taking them away, putting opportunities in my path and taking them away, building up so much hope in me only to be let down. But I keep trying. It's almost like God has something really magnificent for me, but is saying, "How bad do you want it, Sara?"

Maybe these best things in life are worth the fight to keep going. Especially when I want to give up.

Graduation feels like new years to me. I'm sad to see various aspects of my life here at St. Ben's go, and I know that there are a lot of people who I just plain won't ever see again for the rest of my life. But I feel at peace about it. I feel like it's time for a new chapter. It's time for a clean slate. It's time to be Sara Gardner again... to find that girl who had such passion, to find that girl who liked to go out and have fun and who had friends who wanted to go out and have fun with her, to find that girl who never shied away from a good leap of faith. It's time to blow off the dust and see what all that work with the sandpaper has gotten me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hk469q3-EIc

These things you keep
You'd better throw them away
You wanna turn your back
On your soulless days
Once you were tethered
And now you are free
Once you were tethered
Well now you are free
That was the river
This is the sea!

Now if you're feelin' weary
If you've been alone too long
Maybe you've been suffering from
A few too many
Plans that have gone wrong
And you're trying to remember
How fine your life used to be
Running around banging your drum
Like it's 1973
Well that was the river
This is the sea!
Wooo!

Now you say you've got trouble
You say you've got pain
You say've got nothing left to believe in
Nothing to hold on to
Nothing to trust
Nothing but chains
You're scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
Scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
But that was the river
This is the sea yeah!

Now i can see you wavering
As you try to decide
You've got a war in your head
And it's tearing you up inside
You're trying to make sense
Of something that you just can't see
Trying to make sense now
And you know you once held the key
But that was the river
And this is the sea!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Now i hear there's a train
It's coming on down the line
It's yours if you hurry
You've got still enough time
And you don't need no ticket
And you don't pay no fee
No you don't need no ticket
You don't pay no fee
Because that was the river
And this is the sea!

Behold the sea!
--the waterboys... "this is the sea"