Saturday, May 8, 2010


Well. It's time. It's been a good run, but I'm about done. It was a rather tumultuous journey at times, and I often wondered if I would ever make it to this point, and now that I have... I think I'm finally proud of myself. College has been rough. I've been learning a bunch about myself. Sometimes I wonder where I went these past four years. What happened to the Sara who could have fun playing with tinfoil? The Sara who was passionate about changing the world? The Sara with the simple faith? But sometimes, like this moment, I am quite proud of myself, in all my messiness. I had lots of opportunities to give up. But I powered through it. Sometimes I wonder if powering through that pain really amounted to anything, as I feel like I've taken 5 steps back from where I started. But at the same time, powering through the pain and realizing I can still be alive and kickin at the end of it is oddly empowering.

A lot of times I don't think I'll ever amount to anything significant. I have no idea where I'm going. I'm so frustrated with God for putting people in my life and taking them away, putting opportunities in my path and taking them away, building up so much hope in me only to be let down. But I keep trying. It's almost like God has something really magnificent for me, but is saying, "How bad do you want it, Sara?"

Maybe these best things in life are worth the fight to keep going. Especially when I want to give up.

Graduation feels like new years to me. I'm sad to see various aspects of my life here at St. Ben's go, and I know that there are a lot of people who I just plain won't ever see again for the rest of my life. But I feel at peace about it. I feel like it's time for a new chapter. It's time for a clean slate. It's time to be Sara Gardner again... to find that girl who had such passion, to find that girl who liked to go out and have fun and who had friends who wanted to go out and have fun with her, to find that girl who never shied away from a good leap of faith. It's time to blow off the dust and see what all that work with the sandpaper has gotten me.

These things you keep
You'd better throw them away
You wanna turn your back
On your soulless days
Once you were tethered
And now you are free
Once you were tethered
Well now you are free
That was the river
This is the sea!

Now if you're feelin' weary
If you've been alone too long
Maybe you've been suffering from
A few too many
Plans that have gone wrong
And you're trying to remember
How fine your life used to be
Running around banging your drum
Like it's 1973
Well that was the river
This is the sea!

Now you say you've got trouble
You say you've got pain
You say've got nothing left to believe in
Nothing to hold on to
Nothing to trust
Nothing but chains
You're scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
Scouring your conscience
Raking through your memories
But that was the river
This is the sea yeah!

Now i can see you wavering
As you try to decide
You've got a war in your head
And it's tearing you up inside
You're trying to make sense
Of something that you just can't see
Trying to make sense now
And you know you once held the key
But that was the river
And this is the sea!
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!

Now i hear there's a train
It's coming on down the line
It's yours if you hurry
You've got still enough time
And you don't need no ticket
And you don't pay no fee
No you don't need no ticket
You don't pay no fee
Because that was the river
And this is the sea!

Behold the sea!
--the waterboys... "this is the sea"

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