Thursday, May 27, 2010

and the birds sing doot doot doot!!!

Today I started to feel really down on myself when my friend texted me to say that our plans to go downtown to a swanky piano bar were canceled. One of her friends was going to have a party there, which meant the otherwise crazy cover charge would be dropped... which would make the experience even better. Anyway I guess this friend called her and said he was canceling and rescheduling because not enough of his friends could come for it to be considered a party, so we are no longer going. And I was legitimately disappointed... I was really looking forward to it. It sounded like a ton of fun, and I was ready to finally go out to a bar and excited that I was even invited somewhere to begin with. So I was bummed to have our plans canceled. And then my thoughts just kind of spiraled out of control. It's not fair that when I make plans, things don't ever seem to turn out the way I want them to. It's not fair that I keep getting disappointed like this. It's not fair that I haven't found a job yet. It's not fair that I can't afford to move out. It's not fair that I can't afford my own car. It's not fair that I'm ready to do something with my life, but it seems like a black cloud just keeps following me around and making it impossible for any of my dreams to come true. It's just not fair. Maybe that's a bit drama-queeney... but I'm really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I should have had this all taken care of by now. It seems like all of my other friends who graduated have been able to find a job, or at least get to the interviewing stage. Why not me? What did I ever do wrong?

Anyway. I was really beating myself up over it and felt genuinely saddened over all of this stuff, when ke$ha popped up on the radio, and I realized, you know what? At least when I wake up in the morning, I do not feel like p.diddy, and I do not have an alcohol problem which makes me desire to brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, and I find men who don't look like Mick Jagger attractive. I've got a lot going for me. And then I started to laugh.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family who understands and supports me, even if they get on my nerves. I have friends who invite me out and want to keep in touch with me. I have great connections through church that will hopefully help me find a job somewhere if I just stick with it. I am determined, I am smart, I have a degree, and I have plans for a future degree. I am capable of a job which would put my gifts and talents to use and make a difference in the world, rather than settling for a job pushing carts at the grocery store. I am alive and in good health. I have food on my plate and a roof over my head. And I have a God who loves me still no matter how much I stick my tongue out at him/her and piss and moan about how my life sucks because my Mom made me make my bed this morning.

So in the end, I feel better, thanks to ke$ha. What are you thankful for?

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