Xanga

When you get a chance, you should really check out: http://www.xanga.com/lilfish007. Yep. Xanga. The first blog I ever kept. It dates all the way back to 2004. And it's heavily written in. You could pick any month, any day, any year (but not prior to June/July of 2004) and read it. In fact, I encourage it. And then let me know where that girl went. I want to find her again.

You know, I think what I liked so much about my xanga was that I wrote in it all the time. Even when I had nothing to say. Exhibit A:

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I don't really have anything of substance to report besides the fact that it is currently 4:29 AM and I'm still online. In fact, I can hear the birds chirping outside right now. I'm pretty tired... but I'm not quite ready to go to sleep yet, either. It's a crazy life I lead indeed. Do I have anything important to say? ... Sometimes silence is good. Sometimes, silence is good. Sometimes. Silence. Good. Silence is good... sometimes. Silence is good sometimes. SILENCE IS GOOD SOMETIMES!!!! Sometimes silence is good? Sometimes silence is good?! SOMETIMES silence is good? Sometimes SILENCE is good? Sometimes silence is GOOD? Silence. It's good sometimes. Sometimes there just aren't any words. Sometimes... it's just... silence.

If that's not poetry, I don't noetry! (badum)

I'll even take my Xanga-lock off for you if you comment and say that you don't have a Xanga and can't read it. I put it on there to control who reads it. But you know, there's some good stuff in there.

Do you ever feel like college has just completely changed you in a bad way? I mean don't get me wrong, I think college has changed me in many good ways. I can think more critically, for example, and better analyze situations and (siderant: Mom just walked in, took a look at my half unpacked things and said, "Well, looks like you did a lot here" [please note the sarcasm]. She then asked me what I had to do today, and when I said, "I don't know, maybe take a walk" she said, "Well I have to do this and this and this and this and this. As you can see, my day is full," just rubbing it in, saying one thing and saying "get off your ass and do something" in mom-language. I hate when she does that. I hate it. I hate how ever since I came home on Sunday I feel unwelcome. But there's nothing I can do about it. I've BEEN applying for jobs. I don't HAVE anything to do or anywhere to go. I just graduated. There's nothing for me. I love when I can come home and feel welcome here and like an adult... but honestly. I'm tired of this already. I just want to move out. But I CAN'T because I don't have a JOB yet. I'm a wee bit frustrated) think theologically? But I think that I've shrunk in a lot of places, instead of grown. I'm more afraid now, I don't get out as often (seriously--almost every single weekend my sophomore and senior years... maybe not as bad junior year... were spent alone baking, or watching TLC), I'm a lot more selfish. I don't embrace life with the same kind of fervor that I once did. When I graduated, I took pictures with the people that I wanted to, and I got out of there. I didn't even care. I mean, I was proud of myself for graduating, but I could care less about actually coming back. I miss maybe one-two friends, and I definitely miss bus driving, but other than that.. honestly... I don't feel like I did anything. I feel like I just let life happen those past four years. I don't have any significant accomplishments. I did not cry at my graduation. I did not cry upon leaving. I said goodbye to who I wanted and left. Like I only spent a weekend there.

And I hate that. I hate being so apathetic. I feel like I got lost somewhere and refused to ask for directions because I'm rather stubborn sometimes and occasionally too prideful in myself. I feel like I'm in this space where yesterday was high school and tomorrow is being a real adult and there was this foggy thing that also happened somewhere but now that it's gone it's just gone... because i never really connected home and school all that well anyway. It's a weird limbo-land. I want to be home but I'm sick of my parents and I want to grow up but I have zero confidence in myself or my abilities. It's really discouraging to have applied for all these jobs only to hear from no one, unless it was a rejection letter. What if I can't find a job? What if my 6 months come up and I still have no money and now I have to pay back my loans? Oh boy. I can't breathe anymore so I think I'm going to go try to do that. Sorry this got real icky. You should just read my xanga.