Saturday, March 20, 2010

The Remains of the Day

"The Remains of the Day" is a novel I had to 'read' for my ethics class (and by 'read' I mean read the sparknotes... *cough*) about a butler named Stevens who is very devoted to his job. Basically, his entire life revolves around his job, and his identity is that of a butler. Near the end of his life/career, he realizes that being a butler shouldn't actually have been the most important thing, and he has a lot of regrets about how he lived.

I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I am graduating in a monthish, and I couldn't help but reflect on my past four years in college. Upon reflection, I came to a sad realization that I too have many, many regrets regarding my experiences here, and I don't know what I can do now to make the most of it.

I regret not going out and meeting more people. My freshman year especially I tended to push people away and not be very trusting of others, and when my mom started to have health problems, I closed off pretty well. I didn't really let many people at all know what was going on and created distance this way. By the time sophomore year rolled around, the stress from my mom's health issues and my lack of solid friendships that went beyond just the surface prevented me from even trying and I slipped into a sad period where I kept to myself most of the time and eventually decided to transfer to DePaul University. Junior year was a little better friendship-wise... I feel like I got a lot closer to the ones who mattered. But senior year is really tough for me. One of my best friends isn't on campus anymore, a couple of other good friends graduated, and the friends I have now all like to go out to bars, or they found other groups of friends to hang out with. I wish that I put myself out there more so that when I could come to this year... I wouldn't have such a hard time finding a place to fit in. You know?

I regret not taking more risks. I generally followed the safe path through college. I was afraid of trying new things and I was afraid of messing up so bad that I just didn't do much at all. There were plenty of times I felt a pull to do something but I wound up not doing it out of fear of messing up. There was this one security guard I met my sophomore year who I had a big crush on, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't say anything to him about it. And then he wound up not coming back the next year. And we had a lot of fun working together. Who knows what could have happened. You know? I wish I took more risks. I think I would rather take a risk and fall flat on my face than not take the risk at all.

I regret not minoring in anything. I regret not keeping up with teaching.

I don't know if I regret not finishing my application for the JVC... because I really do just want to be home for awhile (it's been rough being away for 4 years... not gonna lie... I juuust started getting used to it this past summer). I can still keep that option open for later.

I regret not letting loose more and having more fun. I was always so concerned with being proper and sticking to my values. I wish I went out and did something crazy and out of character sometimes. I wish I could have been more present.

I also regret working so much. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong. I just wish that I never had that attitude where I wanted to have an excuse of being busy so that I wouldn't feel so left out when no one invited me to hang out with them over the weekend. I worked not only because I did love to drive, but a big reason was because I just wanted something to do over the weekend. Is that sad?

So there are a couple things. I don't know how to change them. I'm not sure what I could do to change my future. In general, it's been a great learning experience here at St. Ben's... but I'm sad because I know it could have been so much better. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do I suppose.

Gotta go check on that laundry. I'm gettin to the folding part. I hate folding laundry. Oh well. It'll be done soon, right? Right. :o) Have a happy day!

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