Thursday, December 10, 2009

I just wanted to make someone's dreams come true...

Tonight was awful. I gave one of the hands down *worst* presentations I've ever given. On the plus side... I'm done with that Godforsaken class at the SOT... but seriously... I wish I could have ended with more of a bang than this. It was just the epitome of awful. And I"m already so stressed out in that class to meet my prof's expectations when I have no clear cut example of what her expectations are... I have no idea what "grad school-level" is, and to be completely honest, no, I am not at grad school-level, even as a senior undergrad student. Okay? I have not had as much experience as the rest of my class in this level. I feel like I should be graded slightly different because of that. I mean. Not a lot. But I just need that extra help, you know? And when I asked for it, I did not receive it. But anyway. Awful presentation. I've been questioning what the heck I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life... and now I'm not so sure ministry is my calling. I don't even know if teaching is my calling if I can't even speak in front of the class like that. I guess in my defense... initially I was feeling confident... but when my partner started to get nervous I started to get nervous and then it all went downhill when I looked to my prof for comfort and got that blank stare from her... GOD I hate that blank stare... the one that shows she is clearly not listening because she thinks you're doing a shitty job. I still have this desire to pursue music and pursue my writing. I wonder if a theology major was a mistake. Maybe a minor would have been better. Maybe I should have majored in English. I don't know. I know there's nothing I can do about it now... and I don't completely regret it... but I wonder. Do I feel called to ministry simply because it's all I know?

I thought during class about taking this next year off. Just take it off. Get a job somewhere... anywhere... preferably a coffee shop... I've always wanted to learn how to make good coffee and I love the coffee shop atmosphere. Depending on how much I make and what I can afford... I'd like to take some random night classes... like floral arrangement, or cooking, or... I don't know... juggling flaming torches. Who knows. Just explore. Just learn. No pressure. Just figure out who I am.

In all my years here in Minnesota... I always felt like something big was missing. I have great friends up here and great experiences. I've taken classes I've loved and classes I've hated. I have a job I truly adore. I've grown in my faith here. But still. Something's missing. What is it? What's missing? Who am I?

I feel burnt out from all these years in school. I just want a sabbatical. I don't even know if volunteering would count as this. I feel like I should be rested before I can devote myself to someone in need. Furthermore... I feel like I should have more of myself figured out. You know what I mean? I would really just love a year off. Live with my family again. Cook for them. Be more involved in church. Figure out who I am. Learn and live and experience. Then figure out what I want to do. But I don't want anymore education right now. I just need a break. Is that reasonable? What do you think I should do?

Anyway. Tonight I had a shitty presentation and crisis of faith all in 3 hours. I received another 8 page paper that's due next week on a subject matter of which I am not completely sure I know what I'm talking about. But God knew exactly what I needed.

It was so simple. I was standing around waiting for the bus at Sexton when a girl came through and asked me if I was going back to St. Ben's and would like a ride. I've seen her before... I think I must have met her earlier... so I agreed.

On the way to her car she said, "You know, whenever I'm stuck waiting at Sexton, I always have this secret hope that one day someone will leave and ask me if I'd like a ride. I just wanted to do that for someone else." I just thought that was so profound. You know? Totally awesome. Just asking some complete stranger if they'd like a ride because you have always wanted that yourself and you do it because you know that if that were to happen to you, you would feel a great amount of joy. I think I would like to adopt that kind of attitude for the way I live my life.

Anyway. I promised myself that after eating this bag of M&Ms I would get to serious work on my Pauline Letters presentation (which I haven't started yet... oops). I'm not done with my M&Ms yet... but i really wanted to play Bingo on because I'm addicted to it. So bye.

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