Thursday, December 24, 2009

and honestly, I'm down like the economy.

Life is just so darn confusing. It's like Chicago weather: one day it's snowing (yesterday), and the next, raining, all day long (today). Who DOES that?! Do I want to be walking through the parking lot to Mass in the RAIN on Christmas Eve?? I don't think so. The worst part is that it's still at this borderline temperature between rain and snow, so basically all this rain we're getting is currently transforming all of our roads into gigantic ice skating rinks... which would be fun, if only our cars could be equipped with skates for their wheels. If only!

But you see, my life makes just about as much sense as the weather right now. How is it that my interests can change so much? Have I been living my life on the border between passions? Can I have the best of both worlds? What's with all the twisting and turning, God? Can't you just tell me what the stink you want me to do and reassure me for once, rather than lead me down a particular path and then tell me to go in the opposite direction? Hm? Is that so much to ask?

I love theology. A lot. I love the spiritual aspects of theology more-so than the doctrinal stuff. I'm pretty selfish with my theology--I try to make everything I learn relevant to my life, and if it isn't, then I just don't care about it. I mostly just don't like learning half the things a bunch of old stuffy theologians have to say in their silly textbooks. I want to see God beyond a bunch of biblical texts arranged by men with an agenda (which isn't to say that the Bible isn't authoritative because of this fact... it's just an observation). I love to be able to wait in line at the grocery store and see God reveal Godself in such magnificent ways there. I love to look at the simple things, reflect on them, pray on them, let those things draw me closer to God, and write about it. I do believe there is an obviously tremendous amount of wisdom in studying the Bible and being involved in the Church... and believe me, I am heavily involved in the Church community... I wouldn't have it any other way. I just also believe that it's not fair to put God in a church-shaped box. For crying out, we celebrate today the very fact that an infinite-sized God chose to become flesh. Even God doesn't want to stay up and out of reach like a full cookie jar to a five-year-old! God is HERE. And HERE doesn't just mean in one place... it means... HERE. Everywhere! When Jesus was born, it wasn't in the most obvious of places. It was in a manger, for Pete's sake. When I'm married and about to deliver my little bundle of joy, it's probably not going to be in a manger with a bunch of awful smelling farm animals.

I always have this inkling that I have this big mission to accomplish. I think I keep seeing glimpses of it but right now, I just don't know what it is. I only have a few pieces of the puzzle. I know I love theology, which is a piece, and I know that I love to write, which is another piece. I also love bus driving, serving others, being in relationship with others, making people laugh, and making people think... which are all important pieces. I just hate puzzles. I always hated puzzles. I don't have the patience for puzzles. Just when I think the puzzle is going to look one way, it turns out to be completely different, or I'm missing an important piece, or I realize that the picture on the box goes with a completely different puzzle because I'm the dumb ass who put the dang thing in the wrong box.

How is it that deciding to apply to DePaul gives me just as many strong feelings of excitement as applying to the JVC? How is it that living in Minnesota for the rest of my life sounds equally as appealing as living in Chicago for the rest of my life? How is it that no matter what fantasy I allow my mind to dream up, they ALL sound great? How the stink am I supposed to make a decision with that? Hm? I thought the deal was that when faced with a big life decision, you're supposed to go with your gut and with what makes you feel the most excited and at peace. What if they all make you feel excited? What if they all make you feel peaceful and unpeaceful? What if the part of me that truly desires to become a writer is the same as the part of me that truly desires to volunteer? What are my motives for volunteering? Were the fueled by the possible outcome of a scholarship? Does my indecision about pastoral ministry as a career path affect my decision to volunteer? Is that a bad thing? Am I bad person for that?

What if everything in my life has lead me up to this moment. Maybe there was a reason I started journalling after Kaile died and keep with it. There's a reason the pen-palling hobby stuck. There's a reason I won all those awards for writing in elementary school and junior high. There's a reason I did Writer's Week each year in high school. There's a reason I've had tiny reflections published in my church's bulletins. There's a reason I was asked to give witness talks and speeches in front of the entire congregation. There's a reason I was published in a text book that is currently being used in my high school district. There's a reason I wanted that creative writing minor and there's a reason why I didn't complete it. There's even a reason why DePaul stuck out to me so much my sophomore year of college, and why there are currently so many important people in my life who have graduated from there who keep singing its praises. There's a reason why every single person who has ever read any serious bit of writing I've done (I guess even including various blog posts) have told me that I should be a writer. There's a reason I've kept a blog since high school and there's a reason why when I start to write a short reflection or email, they always, without fail, turn into this long thing and I always apologize for writing so much but I just can't help it. There's even a reason why I love filling out forms so much. There's a reason why when I met this one friend in college, he told me right off the bat, "Your name sounds like it should appear on the cover of a book one day." There's a reason that I've met someone who wants to write a book, too, and who I am going to seriously get together with to accomplish this life dream.

My dreams of teaching or becoming an author always involve writing. I have something important to say and it's trying really hard to come out but I don't quite know how to express it... but everytime I write, I think I'm a little closer to it. I think I need practice. I think I should at least apply to DePaul. Perhaps I'll apply to both. I don't know what my heart wants right now. I think my heart might be in a honeymoon stage with the idea of applying to DePaul. I think maybe if a little time passes and I'm still interested in it, then I'll have a better idea. I hate waiting around. I hate being in the unknown. I just want to KNOW.

And I KNEW this would happen. I KNEW that the second I came up with a plan, God would show me something different. It alllllways works out that way, doesn't it. God just HAS to keep things interesting. Oy.

Anyway. Merry Christmas. Remember what the reason is for the season (Jesus). Though I'm not gonna lie, when my inner five-year-old came out tonight because I received the most presents... even though I hate the abundance of presents and I asked for nothing... I was genuinely excited to rip them open and brag about my loot. Right then.

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