Monday, November 9, 2009

I might be seeing friends from high school when I go home for Thanksgiving. The majority of these friends I haven't talked to since about January. These friends... sometimes I think that we have the kind of friendship that we could just pick up right where we left off... but I don't know. Maybe I don't think the majority of them are my friends after all. Maybe I think they should have put more into the friendship for these past four years. Maybe I do think that I tried, and maybe I don't regret giving up like I did. Maybe I don't think being boys is an excuse. Maybe I am really hurt by it, and maybe the disappointment of losing their friendship during the months I'm at school has severely affected how I currently approach friendships. Maybe I don't really want to see them.

But I still do. I still want to hold onto the hope that there's something left to salvage... that maybe I'm being too serious... that maybe they still care about me despite the fact that even though I've visited all of them in school or that I've left notes on their facebook once in awhile to simply check in on them. I do think I deserve the kinds of friends who want to approach me and invite me places sometimes, and who will be open to me taking the initiative once in awhile. I don't think that the current state of most of the friends I have from high school reflects that kind of friendship that I long for... but I still want to hold on to hope that it will change... that maybe, when I made that promise to myself my senior year of high school to never lose them... maybe I won't lose them.

And let's be 100% honest here... when I saw them, I was 242 pounds. I am currently 205 pounds. If I work hard enough and if fred doesn't make me retain water beforehand... I very well might be in "one-derland"... FINALLY... under 200 pounds. I worked really hard to get to this point. I am still working hard for this. My battle with losing weight isn't just physical in nature... it has definitely been an emotional and spiritual battle as well. And I'm coming out victorious. I would love to just show off my hard work to them. I would love to surprise them... maybe they would realize all that they've been missing.

But maybe they won't notice at all. And that scares me even more. Maybe they don't care enough to notice that I've lost about 35 pounds. Maybe they never cared.

I really don't mean to sound like Miss Lonelyhearts or anything. I am sincerely blessed to have the friends up in Minnesota that I do. I wish that I could be even more myself and more open with these friends... and that will probably come with time... if these friends will even stick after graduation... which is another blog post in itself. I'm just kind of nervous about seeing old friends again. I wouldn't say that I'm excited... I'm caught up in this limbo place where I'm looking forward to the event, but dreading it. Perhaps I would rather stay at home watching Burn Notice with my parents... because my parents have been there for me through thick and thin. Does that make me a bad person? Have you ever had to "break up" with a friend?

I really don't want to break up. I would really love to see my old friendships get back to where they were when we were all in high school. I just don't know how much of a possibility that is anymore.

Anyway. Know that you are loved. Be well. Smile awhile.

Tomorrow is a bus driving day... and since I am the second afternoon driver, according to the new rules, I am allowed to *finally* drive that new bus I've been DYING to drive since my sophomore year. Tomorrow will be a good day.

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