Sunday, June 7, 2009

if today was your last day, if tomorrow was too late, could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Who were you in high school?

I love asking this question to people who I am just getting to know... or even those people who I have known for awhile but who I haven't asked this question to yet.

Who were you in high school? Are you much different now than back then? Do you like who you are now? Does... "who I am hates who I've been?" (to grammatically incorrectly quote Relient K).

I think who I am right now, in this moment, is quite similar to who I was in high school... on some levels. And on other levels... I think we're quite different.

In high school... I spent almost every single minute of my freetime at church. And then eventually I got a job in the front office at my church (which I still haven't quit... no matter how horrible the pay is and how shitty some of the coworkers are [stress on SOME coworkers... some coworkers are also pretty badass, and chances are if you think that some coworkers in that office are shitty then you are on my side]). If I started to rattle off the list of everything I was involved in at Holy Family Parish, it would take forever, and I don't have forever... but believe you me... if you saw anything under the "Youth Ministry" section in the bulletin or those GIFTED cards we got during Mass once a year... I did it. And I not only participated... but I led it. I very rarely was a participant in anything. I was very conscious about my relationship with God. I seriously, and I don't mean this in a cheesy way, but in a very sincere and honest way, loved the Lord. I loved reading Scripture, going to Mass, spending all my freetime at church volunteering, doing service work, listening to my Christian music (yeahhhh Plus One!!!). I think I was kind of quiet, but friendly. I didn't really belong to any clique, but still had a pretty set group of friends for awhile. I was fearless in high school, too. And by fearless I mean I was actually scared shitless but still at least took a chance. I'll never forget asking that boy to turnabout my freshman year, and how, knees shaking, palms sweating, heart beating fast enough to supply fresh blood for five other people, I walked right up to that boy, abandoned my awesome Matrix-style presentation-invitation and threw a note at him, and then ran away. At least I threw that note. I don't think now I would even let myself do that much. It's funny... one of the things I still always beat myself up about is how insecure I can be around boys (I admit it!!), but the most awesome part of the whole high school experience is that not once did my older and more beautiful sister, Elizabeth, get asked to any school dance... but I did/did the asking and got a positive response. Freshman homecoming, junior homecoming, junior turnabout, senior homecoming, senior turnabout, senior prom. Here's one of my favorite pictures to prove it:

(I hope Joey doesn't hate me for putting this picture here... but it's on Facebook... so he really can't hate me at all, can he?)

But really. That's who I was in high school. I was nice, friendly, sometimes outgoing, sometimes not, mostly in a church setting.

Now, I think I'm pretty similar, though more grown up about it. I will admit to denying my faith. I will admit to doubting my faith so much that I couldn't even call myself a Christian, and definitely not a Catholic Christian. It's not that I made horrible choices in college or anything... but I've definitely been beaten and broken a few times. My faith isn't so blind anymore. And I still believe. No matter how much has happened in these past three years to tell me to give up, that there is no God, that there is no hope... I still believe. And even now I stray off the original topic because I'm still finding myself completely and hopelessly in love with the Lord... no matter how silent He's been... no matter how much I have kicked and screamed and wanted His attention... I'm afraid to say that I'm considering religious life. I don't know if I could seriously be called to that... I really desire a family too much... but I love God enough to be more open about it now. You never know.

Anyway. Now I kind of wish I had that some courage I had in high school. But at the same time, I think I would still consider myself courageous... just a different kind of courageous. Maybe I think through my actions a little more sometimes and often decide not to do something strictly because of being afraid of it... but at the same time... I did take that leap of faith and come up to Minnesota for school. I did take the leap to stay here rather than transfer. I did take metaphysics last semester and pass with a BC. I did study all summer for my CDL, and then take both the permit test and road test within a couple weeks of arriving on campus, and pass it. Sometimes I make decisions on a "whim" if I feel led to do something... and even if the consequences of said actions don't make sense/aren't what I wanted them to be... just the fact that I followed my intuition and did it says something. And I decided to stay on campus this summer... which is a huge leap for me... considering how much of a homebody I really am. So really... I roar with courage. I may not be as outspoken, and it may take me awhile more to warm up to new people (unless I feel an immediate connection with you... which is rare), but really, I'm actually an awesome person once you get to know me. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but toot toot.

Anyway. I don't know how on-topic this is anymore, so I think I'll just go and read or something now.



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