Saturday, April 10, 2010

I should be able to hear God in this wind somewhere, right?

Today on my way back from class I noticed how loud the wind was blowing past my
ear... producing a kind of "bottle top effect" (you know... when you can blow
across the top of a glass bottle and produce a noise). When I looked away, the
wind was blowing directly into my ear and I couldn't hear it whistling as well
because it wasn't producing that same "bottle top effect." It got me thinking
about how I am so desperate for my life to turn out a particular way, with
particular events, and particular wants fulfilled. I want to get a job, I want
to go to grad school, I want to have my loans paid off, and I want to live on my
own and sustain myself. And it's hard, because I don't have the money for grad
school, and applying for jobs isn't the same as obtaining a job. And I'm
feeling rather lost in the shuffle, because it's hard for me to decipher a test
from God in the form of "not right now," or a flat out "no." And I am very
often throwing my arms up in the air, frustrated, wanting to know what the heck
God is thinking, all the while continuing to do things my own way. Maybe I
could hear God better if I just faced God every once in awhile. Maybe I'm not
hearing because I'm looking away from God and toward my self. Maybe.

Right now I am struggling with accepting the fact that God has my best interests at heart. There's this huge part of me that is always trying to protect myself, even to the point of pushing others away (my reasoning being that they are going to be pushed away anyway, so if I do it myself and I do it as soon as possible, I can control how it happens and how I am affected by it). I am an extremely cautious person and don't take many risks at all, no matter how desperately I want to. I definitely don't want to keep pushing people away, or convincing myself of an inevitable end to something that hasn't started yet. I want to believe that I deserve to be happy, and that part of God's interests for my life involve my happiness. I want to believe that when I told God that my heart was in God's hands... that God knows how surprisingly strongly I felt about something or somethings and that I trusted God to take care of me and protect me from hurt and lead me to happiness... God actually listened. But my brain is starting to take over and rationalize the situation... my brain is starting to try to protect me... come up with excuses... push people away... and that needs to stop right now.

Trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust....

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