I always joke around with God about how many times I should have been struck dead for blasphemy by now. But I think today really takes the cake... and based on the headache that I have, I think He thinks so too. Today I finished writing a story for my creative writing class... a 6 page single-spaced beauty of a short story (I have never been able to write that much of a short story in my life... and I could get used to it!!)... about a woman who fell in love with her priest, converted to Catholicism, got pregnant with his love child, endured the wrath of scandal, and wound up being in so much despair that she resorted to an abortion. I didn't even know that my story was going to go in that direction. I knew that they were going to fall in love and be faced with the dilemma of "but he's a priest!" I did not know a pregnancy would be involved. It just kind of happened. And I'm not fully satisfied with my story. I think I could make the ending better. I could expand on a ton of things. I don't want her to have the abortion. I'm struggling with my character... because I know that she's under a great deal of stress from a ton of ugly mistakes. I want her to change her mind in the end and not go through with the abortion. I'm going to have to rework it.
But you know what? I think this is exactly why I love writing so much. I love putting myself in the shoes of my characters like this. I mean, if I were Ariah, my main girl, and I fell in love with my priest, and in our moment of weakness we forgot our roles and did something that is only human when it comes to loving someone... and if my heart was broken not only because the priest overreacted and couldn't own up to his own mistakes.. and I had to face the possibility of bringing a child out of those circumstances in the world... what *would* I think? How *would* I react? I, the author, would look at the situation and tell Ariah that the best option would be an adoption if she cannot care for her child on her own. But Ariah is completely different from me. I need to get to know her some more.
Of course I loved the scandal of the love between a priest and young woman. Especially when I think of that one time in high school I went to a youth festival thing at my church and some young seminarians were there and they were super cute and I totally had a crush on one of them, except he had the ring around his neck and was obviously off limits. Oh, the woes of a 16-year-old... Anyway.
Before I leave, I want to ponder serving sizes. Especially serving sizes on a medium-sized bag of M&Ms. Why are they necessary? 8 servings to a bag ?Yeah right. More like 2.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
but they said "no nudity allowed..."
Recently I discovered a hit web phenomena called "Chat Roulette." The concept of Chat Roulette is kind of interesting, actually... you're in this random chat room with a complete stranger and uh. chat with them. obviously. Each room allows for webcam access, and I discovered that the majority of people used webcams, and since I do not have one on this computer, most people "nexted" me to move onto someone with a webcam so they could see who they were talking to. So I was sitting there watching person after person click next on my big grey box of a webcam image... when suddenly, I encountered a man. Half a man, really. The lower half. As seen from under a table. Pants were not in the picture. Neither were boxers. I don't even know if the socks were there. The makers of Chat Roulette promised me no nudity. And well. That was definitely a man I saw.
Excuse me while I go burn my eyeballs and take a shower in holy water.
ChatRoulette... never again.
Excuse me while I go burn my eyeballs and take a shower in holy water.
ChatRoulette... never again.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
The Remains of the Day
"The Remains of the Day" is a novel I had to 'read' for my ethics class (and by 'read' I mean read the sparknotes... *cough*) about a butler named Stevens who is very devoted to his job. Basically, his entire life revolves around his job, and his identity is that of a butler. Near the end of his life/career, he realizes that being a butler shouldn't actually have been the most important thing, and he has a lot of regrets about how he lived.
I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I am graduating in a monthish, and I couldn't help but reflect on my past four years in college. Upon reflection, I came to a sad realization that I too have many, many regrets regarding my experiences here, and I don't know what I can do now to make the most of it.
I regret not going out and meeting more people. My freshman year especially I tended to push people away and not be very trusting of others, and when my mom started to have health problems, I closed off pretty well. I didn't really let many people at all know what was going on and created distance this way. By the time sophomore year rolled around, the stress from my mom's health issues and my lack of solid friendships that went beyond just the surface prevented me from even trying and I slipped into a sad period where I kept to myself most of the time and eventually decided to transfer to DePaul University. Junior year was a little better friendship-wise... I feel like I got a lot closer to the ones who mattered. But senior year is really tough for me. One of my best friends isn't on campus anymore, a couple of other good friends graduated, and the friends I have now all like to go out to bars, or they found other groups of friends to hang out with. I wish that I put myself out there more so that when I could come to this year... I wouldn't have such a hard time finding a place to fit in. You know?
I regret not taking more risks. I generally followed the safe path through college. I was afraid of trying new things and I was afraid of messing up so bad that I just didn't do much at all. There were plenty of times I felt a pull to do something but I wound up not doing it out of fear of messing up. There was this one security guard I met my sophomore year who I had a big crush on, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't say anything to him about it. And then he wound up not coming back the next year. And we had a lot of fun working together. Who knows what could have happened. You know? I wish I took more risks. I think I would rather take a risk and fall flat on my face than not take the risk at all.
I regret not minoring in anything. I regret not keeping up with teaching.
I don't know if I regret not finishing my application for the JVC... because I really do just want to be home for awhile (it's been rough being away for 4 years... not gonna lie... I juuust started getting used to it this past summer). I can still keep that option open for later.
I regret not letting loose more and having more fun. I was always so concerned with being proper and sticking to my values. I wish I went out and did something crazy and out of character sometimes. I wish I could have been more present.
I also regret working so much. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong. I just wish that I never had that attitude where I wanted to have an excuse of being busy so that I wouldn't feel so left out when no one invited me to hang out with them over the weekend. I worked not only because I did love to drive, but a big reason was because I just wanted something to do over the weekend. Is that sad?
So there are a couple things. I don't know how to change them. I'm not sure what I could do to change my future. In general, it's been a great learning experience here at St. Ben's... but I'm sad because I know it could have been so much better. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do I suppose.
Gotta go check on that laundry. I'm gettin to the folding part. I hate folding laundry. Oh well. It'll be done soon, right? Right. :o) Have a happy day!
I'm not planning on dying anytime soon, but I am graduating in a monthish, and I couldn't help but reflect on my past four years in college. Upon reflection, I came to a sad realization that I too have many, many regrets regarding my experiences here, and I don't know what I can do now to make the most of it.
I regret not going out and meeting more people. My freshman year especially I tended to push people away and not be very trusting of others, and when my mom started to have health problems, I closed off pretty well. I didn't really let many people at all know what was going on and created distance this way. By the time sophomore year rolled around, the stress from my mom's health issues and my lack of solid friendships that went beyond just the surface prevented me from even trying and I slipped into a sad period where I kept to myself most of the time and eventually decided to transfer to DePaul University. Junior year was a little better friendship-wise... I feel like I got a lot closer to the ones who mattered. But senior year is really tough for me. One of my best friends isn't on campus anymore, a couple of other good friends graduated, and the friends I have now all like to go out to bars, or they found other groups of friends to hang out with. I wish that I put myself out there more so that when I could come to this year... I wouldn't have such a hard time finding a place to fit in. You know?
I regret not taking more risks. I generally followed the safe path through college. I was afraid of trying new things and I was afraid of messing up so bad that I just didn't do much at all. There were plenty of times I felt a pull to do something but I wound up not doing it out of fear of messing up. There was this one security guard I met my sophomore year who I had a big crush on, and one of my biggest regrets is that I didn't say anything to him about it. And then he wound up not coming back the next year. And we had a lot of fun working together. Who knows what could have happened. You know? I wish I took more risks. I think I would rather take a risk and fall flat on my face than not take the risk at all.
I regret not minoring in anything. I regret not keeping up with teaching.
I don't know if I regret not finishing my application for the JVC... because I really do just want to be home for awhile (it's been rough being away for 4 years... not gonna lie... I juuust started getting used to it this past summer). I can still keep that option open for later.
I regret not letting loose more and having more fun. I was always so concerned with being proper and sticking to my values. I wish I went out and did something crazy and out of character sometimes. I wish I could have been more present.
I also regret working so much. I mean, I love my job, don't get me wrong. I just wish that I never had that attitude where I wanted to have an excuse of being busy so that I wouldn't feel so left out when no one invited me to hang out with them over the weekend. I worked not only because I did love to drive, but a big reason was because I just wanted something to do over the weekend. Is that sad?
So there are a couple things. I don't know how to change them. I'm not sure what I could do to change my future. In general, it's been a great learning experience here at St. Ben's... but I'm sad because I know it could have been so much better. Oh well. Whatcha gonna do I suppose.
Gotta go check on that laundry. I'm gettin to the folding part. I hate folding laundry. Oh well. It'll be done soon, right? Right. :o) Have a happy day!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Oh don't look at me with those judging eyes...
Yep. Today I flipped on MTV and discovered Justin Bieber. I know that I'm obviously completely out of the loop with this one because apparently he's already some hit star... but oh man. I'm pretty sure I fell in love just now. I mean not love love... the kid is 16 for crying out loud... but seriously. Just look at him. He's such a teenager. His hairstyle is awesome. I about died when I saw him getting a call from Usher at the start of his video.
But I think aside from his charm and adorable face that I just want to pinch and go "aww" at, the song seriously pulled at my heart strings.
I remember when I was 16 and thought I found the love of my life. And I think that's why I like this song the most... because it's a 16-year-old singing about how he too thinks he found the love of his life. And it's just so cute and innocent. And I mean, okay. The kids in the video are at a party. But there's silly string involved. How fricking cute is that?
I just saw it and it reminded me of myself... trying to be cool and grown up and plan out my wedding to that one boy who I truly believed I would marry one day. And I obviously won't now... and oh boy. I apologize. I just can't write properly when my little heart is going a pitter-patter reminiscing of the good ole days.
Don't judge.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The World Spins Madly On
I have ignored this blog for a month and for that, I apologize.
There have been quite a few many exciting happenings in my life in this past month as well... which you obviously have the right to know about, good and faithful stalkers.
1) I'm feeling really attracted to the sweet sweet melodies of The Weepies today. It's not necessarily because I myself feel weepy, but rather, because I feel sweet and melodic.
2) I applied to DePaul University's Master of Arts in Writing and Publishing program seven days ago. I should hear back from them in four to six weeks. Pray for me.
3) I'm also on a job hunt. I found a couple jobs I am extremely interested in. One of them is with this nonprofit organization called Genesys Works, and I loved that one the most, except literally the next day I looked at the job site, the position was no longer posted. I was sad and confused because I was so excited about it and the deadline for resumes was late in April... so I don't know what happened. I emailed the man in charge to inquire about it two days ago, but I have yet to hear back from him. Another job I was excited about was an RA position at a Franciscan Volunteer house for the full-time volunteers at a soup kitchen in the Wicker Park neighborhood in Chicago. I was excited because not only would it give me a way of moving out of my house (free room and board is included in my "pay," which would just be a $3000 yearly stipend), but it would give me a way of volunteering for a cause I have always been very passionate about. The only way I could really say yes to that position, however, is if I can find another job in the city or near the city... so, pray for me. There is yet another position at the Lasalle Manor in Plano, Illinois, which is a bit south of the city, but it's another live-in position as a retreat coordinator for the retreat center. I would also love this job... but you know... there are also little details about grad school and if I would be able to do both despite the distance. There are also other secretary positions available both in the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Joliet which I'm interested in mainly because it's a way of getting my foot in the door... not that I'm really all that excited about being a secretary. So if you can... please pray for me.
4) I feel really blessed to have the friends that I do. I thank God for you every day, you know.
5) For Lent, I have been trying to get up to see the sunrise every morning and see the sunset every evening. I use the time in the morning to wake up and pray. Lately it's been foggy and rainy pretty much every day since I got back, and so I have not been bothering to wake up at 6:30 in the morning if I don't have to. I feel kind of lazy for doing that... but there's no sunrise! It's God's fault! haha. I still make it a point to wake up early enough to pray in my prayer journal, so that has to count for something. I love the time that I get to spend with God every morning. I wish I would have done it earlier. It sets the tone for the rest of my day, and since I start it with God, it just makes it so much better. It's like finding a cookie recipe, and then realizing that you could throw in chocolate chips and make it even awesomer.
6) Just invented the word "awesomer."
7) I keep alternating between being really excited about my future and scared out of my pants about my future. Tonight, I am excited. A half a week ago I would have been without pants.
8) I have a lot due next week. I need to do better in nutrition. I'm just a really lousy quiz taker. It doesn't help that I hate studying. ha. Whoops. It's hard to focus on things like non-theology classes or non-English classes when I have more important things to do like apply for jobs and freak out about my future. Do you think professors understand that? If I talked to my prof and asked him if there was a way I could write him a paper about metabolism or vegetarianism or whatever, and have it count for some kind of extra credit, because I am a horrible test taker and also because I have more important things to worry about in my life than earn my completely unnecessary second natural science credit... do you think he would be understanding? You know, I think if I were ever a professor and if a senior student came to me in my situation, I would probably be understanding. I would tell him or her to create a newscast about the second coming of Christ. Could be fun. Especially if he or she could score an interview with the Big (Wo)Man.
9) I had a really terrific spring break. It was amazing to see friends and to spend so much time with my family. I spent the majority of time with my sister, believe it or not, and her new puppy, Reesie. I don't think I have ever been able to tolerate my sister for that long. Now that I sit and think about it... it's a miracle at all that our relationship is where it is now. I love that I have been getting to know my sister like this for the past couple years. We used to not get along at all... like most siblings. We only started to get along when she moved to Mexico and I moved to Minnesota. But now we're hanging out and watching movies and playing Mario Kart like civilized human beings. It's really wonderful. A blessing. I am sincerely thankful for the time I get to spend with my sister. I think this is one of the biggest miracles I have seen in my life. It's really wonderful and I am really happy.
10) I am trying to reconnect with old friends, especially the ones who I feel hurt by. I'm not really doing a good job at it... but it's a step-by-step process, just like it was with my sister. Pray for me.
11) I have not been making much progress at all with Weight Watchers. Not on the scale, at least. I can now fit into one size smaller (size 16 and larges! Woo!), but as for that stupid number on that stupid scale, I keep hovering in this 7-8 pound range. It's frustrating. But at the same time, I am trying to measure more of my success with my "non-scale victories." And I have a ton of them. For starters, I am finally able to tell myself that I do NOT need to eat because I am NOT hungry. I have been able to identify when I am feeling sad or lonely or bored or stressed or whatever it is... and more often than not, I am only eating because of these feelings. I haven't been able to find activities to successfully take my mind away from the act of eating as a means of comforting myself... though I have always wanted to take up knitting, and I think the actions with my hands will help. Other than that, I read nutrition labels, I look at menus at restaurants and plan ahead of time before going out with friends, I exercise often, I drink water, I have cut back on how much pop I drink... I was able to survive spring break without one night of binge eating. This is a monumental bravo for me. I usually go home and can't help but eat. I think I am getting stronger through this experience... no matter what the scale is telling me. I can't begin to tell you how empowering this is.
I'm not sure what else I have left to fill you in on. I hope this was a sufficient fix. I promise to do a better job.
Love,
Sara
There have been quite a few many exciting happenings in my life in this past month as well... which you obviously have the right to know about, good and faithful stalkers.
1) I'm feeling really attracted to the sweet sweet melodies of The Weepies today. It's not necessarily because I myself feel weepy, but rather, because I feel sweet and melodic.
2) I applied to DePaul University's Master of Arts in Writing and Publishing program seven days ago. I should hear back from them in four to six weeks. Pray for me.
3) I'm also on a job hunt. I found a couple jobs I am extremely interested in. One of them is with this nonprofit organization called Genesys Works, and I loved that one the most, except literally the next day I looked at the job site, the position was no longer posted. I was sad and confused because I was so excited about it and the deadline for resumes was late in April... so I don't know what happened. I emailed the man in charge to inquire about it two days ago, but I have yet to hear back from him. Another job I was excited about was an RA position at a Franciscan Volunteer house for the full-time volunteers at a soup kitchen in the Wicker Park neighborhood in Chicago. I was excited because not only would it give me a way of moving out of my house (free room and board is included in my "pay," which would just be a $3000 yearly stipend), but it would give me a way of volunteering for a cause I have always been very passionate about. The only way I could really say yes to that position, however, is if I can find another job in the city or near the city... so, pray for me. There is yet another position at the Lasalle Manor in Plano, Illinois, which is a bit south of the city, but it's another live-in position as a retreat coordinator for the retreat center. I would also love this job... but you know... there are also little details about grad school and if I would be able to do both despite the distance. There are also other secretary positions available both in the Archdiocese of Chicago and the Diocese of Joliet which I'm interested in mainly because it's a way of getting my foot in the door... not that I'm really all that excited about being a secretary. So if you can... please pray for me.
4) I feel really blessed to have the friends that I do. I thank God for you every day, you know.
5) For Lent, I have been trying to get up to see the sunrise every morning and see the sunset every evening. I use the time in the morning to wake up and pray. Lately it's been foggy and rainy pretty much every day since I got back, and so I have not been bothering to wake up at 6:30 in the morning if I don't have to. I feel kind of lazy for doing that... but there's no sunrise! It's God's fault! haha. I still make it a point to wake up early enough to pray in my prayer journal, so that has to count for something. I love the time that I get to spend with God every morning. I wish I would have done it earlier. It sets the tone for the rest of my day, and since I start it with God, it just makes it so much better. It's like finding a cookie recipe, and then realizing that you could throw in chocolate chips and make it even awesomer.
6) Just invented the word "awesomer."
7) I keep alternating between being really excited about my future and scared out of my pants about my future. Tonight, I am excited. A half a week ago I would have been without pants.
8) I have a lot due next week. I need to do better in nutrition. I'm just a really lousy quiz taker. It doesn't help that I hate studying. ha. Whoops. It's hard to focus on things like non-theology classes or non-English classes when I have more important things to do like apply for jobs and freak out about my future. Do you think professors understand that? If I talked to my prof and asked him if there was a way I could write him a paper about metabolism or vegetarianism or whatever, and have it count for some kind of extra credit, because I am a horrible test taker and also because I have more important things to worry about in my life than earn my completely unnecessary second natural science credit... do you think he would be understanding? You know, I think if I were ever a professor and if a senior student came to me in my situation, I would probably be understanding. I would tell him or her to create a newscast about the second coming of Christ. Could be fun. Especially if he or she could score an interview with the Big (Wo)Man.
9) I had a really terrific spring break. It was amazing to see friends and to spend so much time with my family. I spent the majority of time with my sister, believe it or not, and her new puppy, Reesie. I don't think I have ever been able to tolerate my sister for that long. Now that I sit and think about it... it's a miracle at all that our relationship is where it is now. I love that I have been getting to know my sister like this for the past couple years. We used to not get along at all... like most siblings. We only started to get along when she moved to Mexico and I moved to Minnesota. But now we're hanging out and watching movies and playing Mario Kart like civilized human beings. It's really wonderful. A blessing. I am sincerely thankful for the time I get to spend with my sister. I think this is one of the biggest miracles I have seen in my life. It's really wonderful and I am really happy.
10) I am trying to reconnect with old friends, especially the ones who I feel hurt by. I'm not really doing a good job at it... but it's a step-by-step process, just like it was with my sister. Pray for me.
11) I have not been making much progress at all with Weight Watchers. Not on the scale, at least. I can now fit into one size smaller (size 16 and larges! Woo!), but as for that stupid number on that stupid scale, I keep hovering in this 7-8 pound range. It's frustrating. But at the same time, I am trying to measure more of my success with my "non-scale victories." And I have a ton of them. For starters, I am finally able to tell myself that I do NOT need to eat because I am NOT hungry. I have been able to identify when I am feeling sad or lonely or bored or stressed or whatever it is... and more often than not, I am only eating because of these feelings. I haven't been able to find activities to successfully take my mind away from the act of eating as a means of comforting myself... though I have always wanted to take up knitting, and I think the actions with my hands will help. Other than that, I read nutrition labels, I look at menus at restaurants and plan ahead of time before going out with friends, I exercise often, I drink water, I have cut back on how much pop I drink... I was able to survive spring break without one night of binge eating. This is a monumental bravo for me. I usually go home and can't help but eat. I think I am getting stronger through this experience... no matter what the scale is telling me. I can't begin to tell you how empowering this is.
I'm not sure what else I have left to fill you in on. I hope this was a sufficient fix. I promise to do a better job.
Love,
Sara
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Confessions
I am done apologizing for/not admitting the following things about myself:
1) I like Miley Cyrus. I saw my first episode of Hannah Montana over break... and... I also liked it.
2) I hate what I look like. I do not think I am beautiful.
3) I do not think many people like me. I think a lot of people are liars.
4) I do not like getting close to people because I am always waiting for the ball to drop. I am waiting for that person to go away. The typical pattern has been that people leave. It's a natural part of life, sure, but I've never had anyone who stuck with me through thick and thin, so I always wait for the ball to drop. Because of this, not many people know much about me, except for only a couple. There's one person who reads this blog who questions if she is one of them. She is.
5) I love dressing up and wearing necklaces.. especially my Grandma's silver and gold one. I do not like wearing sweatshirts and tshirts *all* the time, but I feel like if I dress up for class, then I'm trying too hard, and people are going to look at me funny... like, who does SHE think she is... looking nice for class? So I don't dress up for class. Though sometimes I do, and on those days, I feel really good and do really well.
6) I have had crushes on mostly English teachers. Even in college. Even this semester. Even if he is old enough to be my father.
7) I burp. I also fart, and poop. I'm not exactly ashamed of it... unless I'm around people I do not know.
8) I check to see what my poop looks like before I flush it.
9) I'm actually terrified of bees and driving in snow... but when I'm in the driver's seat of the bus, somehow the fear goes away. Catch me standing in line with a bee flying around my head, however, and I flip a pancake.
10) I like being a positive influence on my friends when it comes to my weight loss, but when they lose more than I have in less amount of time than I have, and don't seem to be having the same problems I am, I tend to hate them.
11) I am actually a really jealous person.
12) I want to be a soccer mom. I want a minivan.
13) I want to live in the city, but I want to move out of it when I'm ready to start a family. I want my kids to be able to play in the grass and not be pressured to join a gang.
14) I have altered my interests to fit in with people. Sometimes I don't even know what I like or dislike. Of this I am certain: I love having something to believe in, I love boybands, I love baking, I love piano, I love writing, I love watching people, I love getting to know people, I love that people call me by my full name, and I love bus driving.
15) I prefer handwriting to typing.
16) I miss getting snail mail from pen pals... but I don't have time to keep up with pen pals like I used to.
17) I like High School Musical because I like to make fun of it... not because I seriously like it. I do seriously like the music though. I do actually have a High School Musical Pandora station that I listen to often... and often when I'm at work.
18) I do not like talking on the phone, but I will if it's my only form of communication.
19) I often fear that I scare people away when they take the time to get to know me.
20) I over think everything... from what to eat for breakfast to what to do for the rest of my life.
21) If I chew white gum, I spit it out in the snow and cackle. :o)
22) I hate showing off my abilities, but I want to make myself known somehow.
23) I hate being the friend that people only hang out with when they don't want to go to the bars. Granted, I don't really like going to the bars, but I'm always up for some wine and chocolate. Or bowling. Or something equally fun that doesn't necessarily mean going to a bar where a bunch of drunk boys are going to be all up in my bizznass.
23b) I secretly like when drunk boys get on my bus and are a lot friendlier to me than they would have been otherwise.
24) I miss my high school friends, but I don't think I can get them back because I pushed them pretty hard when I pushed them away.
25) I'm afraid to quit Weight Watchers because I'm afraid that I will gain back all the weight I lost, even though I'm basically wasting my money by not losing weight right now. Weight Watchers, while great at first, has been really upsetting my self image, because I've hit a point where my body just doesn't want to lose weight no matter what I try, and I have put too much importance on a stupid number. I forget the other ways in which I am doing a good job... like being able to run a mile nonstop in about 10-12 minutes, or being able to talk to myself before I start mindlessly eating in front of the TV ("are you really hungry, Sara? does it make sense for you to be hungry right now?"). I don't really think I can do it though. I don't even think I can make it to my first goal, the way things are going.
26) I talk to myself a lot. A lot of times I turn those convesations with myself into prayers, but I seriously wonder if God actually listens to them if my intentions weren't to talk to him at first, but rather myself.
27) I wish I found my special someone in college so that he could propose to me this semester by tripping up the stairs while boarding the bus during one of my work shifts and land on one knee.
28) My initial reaction to basically any situation is to fight it/rebel. Like if someone tells me they have a certain opinion on something, my immediate reaction is to take the opposite opinion. Or when I got stuck in the old bus all the time last year I grew defiant and said, "Well I LOVE this bus." and then i wound up actually loving it.
29) I'm a closet romantic.
30) I hate when people talk about how much fun they have with their other friends when I wasn't a participant in said fun.
31) I always wished I had a tight group of girlfriends like in Sex in the City or the Babysitter's Club (haha to putting those two shows together in the same sentence).
32) I actually like Sex in the City.
33) Sometimes I catch myself narrating my life as it happens.
34) Sometimes I catch myself creating characters in my head and situations to put said characters in. I need to write this stuff down.
34b) sometimes I make said characters into Sims characters.
34c) sometimes I create myself into a Sim character so that when things don't go my way in real life, I can still see it happen in my Sim life.
35) My new phone makes me feel like a grown up. A sexy grownup. Should phones make a person feel sexy?
36) I'm really gullible.
37) I don't know if I have what it takes to survive my life.
38) I know I would never be a good cooking show host, because last night while making a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, I pretended like I was Emeril, and the only thing I was good at was saying "BAM!!" every time I flipped the sandwich.
39) I did not know that Hannah Montana had a song called "The Icecream Freeze." I knew she had a "hoedown throwdown," but oh man. This is another reason for me to like Hannah Montana.
40) I need physical touch to affirm my existence as a human being. This whole being-around-people-who-don't-like-hugging-constantly-thing is driving me crazy.
41) I feel like I need to earn every shower I take... meaning I need to be stinking really badly to take a shower... meaning I need to have worked out before taking a shower.
42) I'm not mad at my sister anymore, but I don't know how to tell her because I've been mad for a long time.
43) I never sent birthday cards to my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins before because my mom always did that. I don't know if she still signs my name, and I don't know if I can send out my own cards like I want to because I don't want my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins to get a card from me and then a card from my parents and me, because it would make one of us look like a fake. And no one wants that. So I just don't do it. But I want to.
44) I like cats. I like dogs more, but I still like cats.
45) I would consider pre-marital sex with the right person.
46) I do not agree with the Church's stance on birth control.
47) I've considered being a nun not because I'm feeling called to it, but because I've been single for a long time and I don't think anyone will ever really love me if they haven't already. I don't want to say that being single is bad... and part of me prefers it... but I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life.
48) I became a bus driver because I felt like I lost control over my life, and being in the driver's seat gave me a feeling of control again.
49) I take extra work shifts to avoid being alone on the weekends.
50) Marshmallows are my weakness. I eat those things by the bagful.
1) I like Miley Cyrus. I saw my first episode of Hannah Montana over break... and... I also liked it.
2) I hate what I look like. I do not think I am beautiful.
3) I do not think many people like me. I think a lot of people are liars.
4) I do not like getting close to people because I am always waiting for the ball to drop. I am waiting for that person to go away. The typical pattern has been that people leave. It's a natural part of life, sure, but I've never had anyone who stuck with me through thick and thin, so I always wait for the ball to drop. Because of this, not many people know much about me, except for only a couple. There's one person who reads this blog who questions if she is one of them. She is.
5) I love dressing up and wearing necklaces.. especially my Grandma's silver and gold one. I do not like wearing sweatshirts and tshirts *all* the time, but I feel like if I dress up for class, then I'm trying too hard, and people are going to look at me funny... like, who does SHE think she is... looking nice for class? So I don't dress up for class. Though sometimes I do, and on those days, I feel really good and do really well.
6) I have had crushes on mostly English teachers. Even in college. Even this semester. Even if he is old enough to be my father.
7) I burp. I also fart, and poop. I'm not exactly ashamed of it... unless I'm around people I do not know.
8) I check to see what my poop looks like before I flush it.
9) I'm actually terrified of bees and driving in snow... but when I'm in the driver's seat of the bus, somehow the fear goes away. Catch me standing in line with a bee flying around my head, however, and I flip a pancake.
10) I like being a positive influence on my friends when it comes to my weight loss, but when they lose more than I have in less amount of time than I have, and don't seem to be having the same problems I am, I tend to hate them.
11) I am actually a really jealous person.
12) I want to be a soccer mom. I want a minivan.
13) I want to live in the city, but I want to move out of it when I'm ready to start a family. I want my kids to be able to play in the grass and not be pressured to join a gang.
14) I have altered my interests to fit in with people. Sometimes I don't even know what I like or dislike. Of this I am certain: I love having something to believe in, I love boybands, I love baking, I love piano, I love writing, I love watching people, I love getting to know people, I love that people call me by my full name, and I love bus driving.
15) I prefer handwriting to typing.
16) I miss getting snail mail from pen pals... but I don't have time to keep up with pen pals like I used to.
17) I like High School Musical because I like to make fun of it... not because I seriously like it. I do seriously like the music though. I do actually have a High School Musical Pandora station that I listen to often... and often when I'm at work.
18) I do not like talking on the phone, but I will if it's my only form of communication.
19) I often fear that I scare people away when they take the time to get to know me.
20) I over think everything... from what to eat for breakfast to what to do for the rest of my life.
21) If I chew white gum, I spit it out in the snow and cackle. :o)
22) I hate showing off my abilities, but I want to make myself known somehow.
23) I hate being the friend that people only hang out with when they don't want to go to the bars. Granted, I don't really like going to the bars, but I'm always up for some wine and chocolate. Or bowling. Or something equally fun that doesn't necessarily mean going to a bar where a bunch of drunk boys are going to be all up in my bizznass.
23b) I secretly like when drunk boys get on my bus and are a lot friendlier to me than they would have been otherwise.
24) I miss my high school friends, but I don't think I can get them back because I pushed them pretty hard when I pushed them away.
25) I'm afraid to quit Weight Watchers because I'm afraid that I will gain back all the weight I lost, even though I'm basically wasting my money by not losing weight right now. Weight Watchers, while great at first, has been really upsetting my self image, because I've hit a point where my body just doesn't want to lose weight no matter what I try, and I have put too much importance on a stupid number. I forget the other ways in which I am doing a good job... like being able to run a mile nonstop in about 10-12 minutes, or being able to talk to myself before I start mindlessly eating in front of the TV ("are you really hungry, Sara? does it make sense for you to be hungry right now?"). I don't really think I can do it though. I don't even think I can make it to my first goal, the way things are going.
26) I talk to myself a lot. A lot of times I turn those convesations with myself into prayers, but I seriously wonder if God actually listens to them if my intentions weren't to talk to him at first, but rather myself.
27) I wish I found my special someone in college so that he could propose to me this semester by tripping up the stairs while boarding the bus during one of my work shifts and land on one knee.
28) My initial reaction to basically any situation is to fight it/rebel. Like if someone tells me they have a certain opinion on something, my immediate reaction is to take the opposite opinion. Or when I got stuck in the old bus all the time last year I grew defiant and said, "Well I LOVE this bus." and then i wound up actually loving it.
29) I'm a closet romantic.
30) I hate when people talk about how much fun they have with their other friends when I wasn't a participant in said fun.
31) I always wished I had a tight group of girlfriends like in Sex in the City or the Babysitter's Club (haha to putting those two shows together in the same sentence).
32) I actually like Sex in the City.
33) Sometimes I catch myself narrating my life as it happens.
34) Sometimes I catch myself creating characters in my head and situations to put said characters in. I need to write this stuff down.
34b) sometimes I make said characters into Sims characters.
34c) sometimes I create myself into a Sim character so that when things don't go my way in real life, I can still see it happen in my Sim life.
35) My new phone makes me feel like a grown up. A sexy grownup. Should phones make a person feel sexy?
36) I'm really gullible.
37) I don't know if I have what it takes to survive my life.
38) I know I would never be a good cooking show host, because last night while making a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, I pretended like I was Emeril, and the only thing I was good at was saying "BAM!!" every time I flipped the sandwich.
39) I did not know that Hannah Montana had a song called "The Icecream Freeze." I knew she had a "hoedown throwdown," but oh man. This is another reason for me to like Hannah Montana.
40) I need physical touch to affirm my existence as a human being. This whole being-around-people-who-don't-like-hugging-constantly-thing is driving me crazy.
41) I feel like I need to earn every shower I take... meaning I need to be stinking really badly to take a shower... meaning I need to have worked out before taking a shower.
42) I'm not mad at my sister anymore, but I don't know how to tell her because I've been mad for a long time.
43) I never sent birthday cards to my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins before because my mom always did that. I don't know if she still signs my name, and I don't know if I can send out my own cards like I want to because I don't want my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins to get a card from me and then a card from my parents and me, because it would make one of us look like a fake. And no one wants that. So I just don't do it. But I want to.
44) I like cats. I like dogs more, but I still like cats.
45) I would consider pre-marital sex with the right person.
46) I do not agree with the Church's stance on birth control.
47) I've considered being a nun not because I'm feeling called to it, but because I've been single for a long time and I don't think anyone will ever really love me if they haven't already. I don't want to say that being single is bad... and part of me prefers it... but I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life.
48) I became a bus driver because I felt like I lost control over my life, and being in the driver's seat gave me a feeling of control again.
49) I take extra work shifts to avoid being alone on the weekends.
50) Marshmallows are my weakness. I eat those things by the bagful.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
They were right.
I just had a startling revelation that I am my mother. I've joked around about it before... about how I'm turning into my mother. But nope. This time it's serious.
I am my mother.
And it's the parts of my mother that I don't like. The parts that I vowed I would never become. I now worry about my future.
You see... I wish I was strong like my mother. My mother divorced her first husband and had to raise two of her daughters by herself until she met my dad. She was completely self sufficient... she beat it into our (my older sister and I) heads that we are to not rely on a man, but rather, learn how to take care of ourselves first and then merge it into a healthy and happy relationship. I wish I could be loving like my mother... where even though she gets treated like complete dirt sometimes by those who she loves and who love her... she still chooses to love them... even though sometimes she talks behind their backs. My mother constantly analyzes herself... she takes every action of every person to heart and she contemplates what that means about her as a person, and how she can change to be a better person. My mother is so open and accepting of others for the most part... though she does have her moments.
But there's another side to my mother... the side I vowed never to become. The side that shuts down and puts up walls. My mother does that a lot. My mother doesn't let anyone in... not her daughters... not her sisters and brothers. She confides in my dad and she confides in God, but she doesn't let anyone else into that inner circle. She likes to have everything exactly her way. I was never allowed to put groceries away or do the dishes (aside from taking them to the sink) or help with dinner because I wasn't going to do it right. I didn't ever even have chores growing up because things had to be cleaned the way my mother wanted them to be cleaned. She doesn't pity people, really. I mean. She definitely sympathizes... but for the most part, if she saw me crying for a reason she didn't find acceptable... she would take the "put your big girl panties on" approach. Recently my mother has been adopting this great philosophy where she's finally taking ownership of her life and doing what makes her happy and not taking any crap from anybody. On one hand, it's a great thing... my mother should stand up for herself. But on the other hand... if you are that person who she is mad at... watch out.
So tonight we cleaned the apartment. I noticed a roommate doing dishes, and I asked her to refrain from doing mine, as I am capable of doing them myself. I've asked my roommates plenty of times this year to let me do my own dishes, especially because half the time I find my dishes with waterspots on them, or leftover food dried on them, and they aren't done to my liking, so I would just rather do it myself. But my dishes kept getting done and I kept interpreting it like I have interpreted my mother's actions... that she's tired of me doing things my way, and she takes the passive approach and just does them herself. It ticks me of like none other. So tonight I just stood up and said "Please let me do my own dishes." And my roommate went and threw her fit and naturally my other roommate went straight to her side because they are best friends and have been living together and go together like peanut and jelly and blahdy blahdy blah, and so of course, I'm made the bad guy in the situation. All I asked was to do my own dishes. And so what did I do? I turned into my mother. I didn't accept her tears. I didn't take pity on her and I rebelled and got mad and put up my walls. Except I don't have anyone to confide in.
Granted... I push people away a lot. Especially when I get close to them. Especially when they are the kinds of people who I don't see myself communicating much with post-graduation. I don't want to be vulnerable with them because I don't see a point in investing that kind of emotional energy into a relationship that isn't going to last past May. I don't even want these friendships to last past May, to be honest, especially considering how tonight was handled... when they both immediately bonded together and completely disregarded me and my side of the story. I don't need that kind of bullshit.
And so I am turning into my mother. I like things done my way. I don't like people doing things for me. If I don't do it myself, my value as a human being greatly diminishes. If I don't do it for myself, I will start to rely too heavily onto people... especially the people who haven't proven yet that they will be there in the future. I am paranoid... I constantly think people are talking bad about me... I analyze every social situation and twist it so that I come out the bad person and I need to change and be a better person. I am my mother. I don't know how positive or negative this realization is. I don't want to say it's an insult to be my mother. I'm just scared at how easily I let it happen when I had been so adamantly opposed to it.
I am my mother.
And it's the parts of my mother that I don't like. The parts that I vowed I would never become. I now worry about my future.
You see... I wish I was strong like my mother. My mother divorced her first husband and had to raise two of her daughters by herself until she met my dad. She was completely self sufficient... she beat it into our (my older sister and I) heads that we are to not rely on a man, but rather, learn how to take care of ourselves first and then merge it into a healthy and happy relationship. I wish I could be loving like my mother... where even though she gets treated like complete dirt sometimes by those who she loves and who love her... she still chooses to love them... even though sometimes she talks behind their backs. My mother constantly analyzes herself... she takes every action of every person to heart and she contemplates what that means about her as a person, and how she can change to be a better person. My mother is so open and accepting of others for the most part... though she does have her moments.
But there's another side to my mother... the side I vowed never to become. The side that shuts down and puts up walls. My mother does that a lot. My mother doesn't let anyone in... not her daughters... not her sisters and brothers. She confides in my dad and she confides in God, but she doesn't let anyone else into that inner circle. She likes to have everything exactly her way. I was never allowed to put groceries away or do the dishes (aside from taking them to the sink) or help with dinner because I wasn't going to do it right. I didn't ever even have chores growing up because things had to be cleaned the way my mother wanted them to be cleaned. She doesn't pity people, really. I mean. She definitely sympathizes... but for the most part, if she saw me crying for a reason she didn't find acceptable... she would take the "put your big girl panties on" approach. Recently my mother has been adopting this great philosophy where she's finally taking ownership of her life and doing what makes her happy and not taking any crap from anybody. On one hand, it's a great thing... my mother should stand up for herself. But on the other hand... if you are that person who she is mad at... watch out.
So tonight we cleaned the apartment. I noticed a roommate doing dishes, and I asked her to refrain from doing mine, as I am capable of doing them myself. I've asked my roommates plenty of times this year to let me do my own dishes, especially because half the time I find my dishes with waterspots on them, or leftover food dried on them, and they aren't done to my liking, so I would just rather do it myself. But my dishes kept getting done and I kept interpreting it like I have interpreted my mother's actions... that she's tired of me doing things my way, and she takes the passive approach and just does them herself. It ticks me of like none other. So tonight I just stood up and said "Please let me do my own dishes." And my roommate went and threw her fit and naturally my other roommate went straight to her side because they are best friends and have been living together and go together like peanut and jelly and blahdy blahdy blah, and so of course, I'm made the bad guy in the situation. All I asked was to do my own dishes. And so what did I do? I turned into my mother. I didn't accept her tears. I didn't take pity on her and I rebelled and got mad and put up my walls. Except I don't have anyone to confide in.
Granted... I push people away a lot. Especially when I get close to them. Especially when they are the kinds of people who I don't see myself communicating much with post-graduation. I don't want to be vulnerable with them because I don't see a point in investing that kind of emotional energy into a relationship that isn't going to last past May. I don't even want these friendships to last past May, to be honest, especially considering how tonight was handled... when they both immediately bonded together and completely disregarded me and my side of the story. I don't need that kind of bullshit.
And so I am turning into my mother. I like things done my way. I don't like people doing things for me. If I don't do it myself, my value as a human being greatly diminishes. If I don't do it for myself, I will start to rely too heavily onto people... especially the people who haven't proven yet that they will be there in the future. I am paranoid... I constantly think people are talking bad about me... I analyze every social situation and twist it so that I come out the bad person and I need to change and be a better person. I am my mother. I don't know how positive or negative this realization is. I don't want to say it's an insult to be my mother. I'm just scared at how easily I let it happen when I had been so adamantly opposed to it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
