Saturday, January 30, 2010

They were right.

I just had a startling revelation that I am my mother. I've joked around about it before... about how I'm turning into my mother. But nope. This time it's serious.

I am my mother.

And it's the parts of my mother that I don't like. The parts that I vowed I would never become. I now worry about my future.

You see... I wish I was strong like my mother. My mother divorced her first husband and had to raise two of her daughters by herself until she met my dad. She was completely self sufficient... she beat it into our (my older sister and I) heads that we are to not rely on a man, but rather, learn how to take care of ourselves first and then merge it into a healthy and happy relationship. I wish I could be loving like my mother... where even though she gets treated like complete dirt sometimes by those who she loves and who love her... she still chooses to love them... even though sometimes she talks behind their backs. My mother constantly analyzes herself... she takes every action of every person to heart and she contemplates what that means about her as a person, and how she can change to be a better person. My mother is so open and accepting of others for the most part... though she does have her moments.

But there's another side to my mother... the side I vowed never to become. The side that shuts down and puts up walls. My mother does that a lot. My mother doesn't let anyone in... not her daughters... not her sisters and brothers. She confides in my dad and she confides in God, but she doesn't let anyone else into that inner circle. She likes to have everything exactly her way. I was never allowed to put groceries away or do the dishes (aside from taking them to the sink) or help with dinner because I wasn't going to do it right. I didn't ever even have chores growing up because things had to be cleaned the way my mother wanted them to be cleaned. She doesn't pity people, really. I mean. She definitely sympathizes... but for the most part, if she saw me crying for a reason she didn't find acceptable... she would take the "put your big girl panties on" approach. Recently my mother has been adopting this great philosophy where she's finally taking ownership of her life and doing what makes her happy and not taking any crap from anybody. On one hand, it's a great thing... my mother should stand up for herself. But on the other hand... if you are that person who she is mad at... watch out.

So tonight we cleaned the apartment. I noticed a roommate doing dishes, and I asked her to refrain from doing mine, as I am capable of doing them myself. I've asked my roommates plenty of times this year to let me do my own dishes, especially because half the time I find my dishes with waterspots on them, or leftover food dried on them, and they aren't done to my liking, so I would just rather do it myself. But my dishes kept getting done and I kept interpreting it like I have interpreted my mother's actions... that she's tired of me doing things my way, and she takes the passive approach and just does them herself. It ticks me of like none other. So tonight I just stood up and said "Please let me do my own dishes." And my roommate went and threw her fit and naturally my other roommate went straight to her side because they are best friends and have been living together and go together like peanut and jelly and blahdy blahdy blah, and so of course, I'm made the bad guy in the situation. All I asked was to do my own dishes. And so what did I do? I turned into my mother. I didn't accept her tears. I didn't take pity on her and I rebelled and got mad and put up my walls. Except I don't have anyone to confide in.

Granted... I push people away a lot. Especially when I get close to them. Especially when they are the kinds of people who I don't see myself communicating much with post-graduation. I don't want to be vulnerable with them because I don't see a point in investing that kind of emotional energy into a relationship that isn't going to last past May. I don't even want these friendships to last past May, to be honest, especially considering how tonight was handled... when they both immediately bonded together and completely disregarded me and my side of the story. I don't need that kind of bullshit.

And so I am turning into my mother. I like things done my way. I don't like people doing things for me. If I don't do it myself, my value as a human being greatly diminishes. If I don't do it for myself, I will start to rely too heavily onto people... especially the people who haven't proven yet that they will be there in the future. I am paranoid... I constantly think people are talking bad about me... I analyze every social situation and twist it so that I come out the bad person and I need to change and be a better person. I am my mother. I don't know how positive or negative this realization is. I don't want to say it's an insult to be my mother. I'm just scared at how easily I let it happen when I had been so adamantly opposed to it.

1 comment:

  1. ... makes me wonder if i'm anywhere near your inner circle, gardner to my rose.... miss you