The future

Today I sat in my seat after receiving the Eucharist at Mass. In my chat with Jesus, my thoughts drifted to my future and how I've been seriously freaking myself out about it for the past week or so... how just a couple nights ago I freaked out so bad I lost sleep over it. It was awful. I started to talk to Jesus about how scared out of my mind I am to graduate and how I have absolutely no idea what to do... how the options for volunteering, moving back home, finding a job and my own apartment, or going straight to grad school, all seem almost equally appealing to me. I have no idea what to do... and it's October. Most people seem to have this all figured out by now. But I have no idea. And now I'm getting overwhelmed. Do I apply for volunteering or for grad school or for youth ministry jobs? Do I apply for all three? Do you realize how stressful that is? How am I supposed to do anything without money? How am I supposed to get my own apartment and car to get to my job? How am I supposed to pay for all of my own bills and groceries and loans? How am I going to survive a year after graduation without winding up broke and homeless?

I started to freak out again. Question after question... I challenged God. What the stink is He thinking???? Trusting me to be an adult? What?

And then... almost as if it were planned... a verse was sung and it caught my attention. The verse... of course I don't remember the words exaaactly... but it was about not worrying about tomorrow... about how God will take care of us... about how God cares for each bird in the sky and has every hair on my head counted... so surely I do not need to worry about anything, because God will not abandon me.

Touche, God (I even said this out loud). You win this time. Of course it's not a direct answer to my question... but I know mysterious is your style... so I guess I'll just have to try to chill out and let my life kind of work out the way it needs to.

STOP IT!!!!!!!

I MEAN IT! Stop fricking getting engaged, people. Stop getting married. You haven't even graduated yet. Just chill out. Stop it.

There just may be a part of me protesting simply because I'm considering being single for the rest of my life. Perhaps it is an option worth looking into. Would I want to get married to Jesus? Probably not. Don't get me wrong... I've thought about it... a lot. A lot more than you think I have. I usually don't talk about things like me and my vocation in terms of single life, married life, or religious life.

But now... the topic is unavoidable. So many people from high school are married already, and if not married already, already engaged. Too many people are recently engaged. I guess I'm happy for them.... I mostly don't care about their happiness, to be honest, due to a variety of reasons... most of them that involve being bitter about something or other. And I realize that the "Christian" response would be to just be happy for them and their life change... but... I'm gonna call bullshit on this.

Seriously? You're engaged. You haven't even graduated college yet. You're a year younger than I am. And you're engaged.

The part of this that I'm taken aback by isn't that these people are engaged... it's that I'm automatically comparing myself to them. My shock isn't for them... my motives are entirely selfish.

I feel like I'm missing the boat.

Granted... next year, I think I might volunteer. Or get a job. Or go to school. I don't know what the flying fudge I am going to be doing. That's a whole other blog post. But now I'm wondering... maybe I will be single. And you know, the single life isn't entirely unappealing to me. I wouldn't have to account for anyone but myself. I could rely solely on myself and I wouldn't have to deal with the mess of disappointment and false promises. I like the idea of being independent. I like the idea of living on my own and managing my own finances and figuring all that stuff out for myself, rather than depending on someone else to take care of it for me. But maybe I wouldn't mind companionship either, you know? Maybe I would like a family one day. Maybe I would like to be a mother one day. Maybe I would like to fall in love, get married, and raise a family that loves each other and that forgives each other and is the exact opposite of this bullshit family I have. I mean okay... my family isn't complete bullshit... but I'd make it a good 85% shit straight from a bull. Even after missing my family for 3 months... just spending less than 2 nights under the same roof makes me want a stiff drink... which says a lot, since I drink maybe once every blue moon. Now I am off topic.

On topic--stop getting engaged. Just stop doing it. Stop shoving my singleness in my face. Stop reminding me that I haven't seriously dated anyone since high school. Stop reminding me that perpetual singleness just might be an option for me. Graduate. Go live in a foreign country for a year. Do something with your life. Do something wild and crazy. Get married later.

Of course I have friends who are married already and have been married for quite some time. It's still weird for me that they are actually married. I'm not saying it's bad to get married young. I'm simply saying that I'm sick of seeing everyone getting engaged and married within weeks of each other. It makes me want to hurl.

You don't know who I AM?

Yesterday I was at my gate at the airport, waiting to board my plane. I was in group 2, and there was a fairly large number of people standing behind me, when one gentleman approached the counter and demanded the attention of the attendant who was trying to check me in. He's one of *those* guys... with the expensive Italian suits on, bluetooth in ear, important leather briefcase in hand, and constipated look on his face. He wanted to get on this flight because he missed his last flight. I wait patiently as this important-looking man holds up the entire line so that he can be helped... even though he very well could have just 5 minutes ago, before everyone started boarding. The flight attendant made some calls and could not help this man.
"I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot do that for you."
"Excuse me? Are you sure? Do you know who I am? Does executive platinum platinum mean ANYTHING to you people?"
I almost died. Twice. I snickered a little and the man looked at me clearly irritated. Executive platinum platinum. That means nothing to me. The man could be the Pope and I would still make him wait, damnit. Of course the man can get a ticket now. And he gets upgraded to first class. Why would executive platinum platinum members sit in coach? Seriously. Don't you know who this guy is? He's executive platinum platinum. Not executive. Not executive platinum. Executive platinum platinum.
At least he didn't request to jump to the front of the line, too. Silly man. I bet he'd feel a lot better if he made a good visit to the bathroom and rid himself of all the evil that was accumulating in his poor 5'7" body.

philosophy of dating?

I have to write a position paper for a class on what my philosophy of dating is. I'm not exactly sure what to write. I mean, I haven't exactly been beating down the boys with a blunt object... but it's not like I'm a lost cause. I've had dates to the majority of the dances at school, one relationship my senior year of high school, and one legit date in college. I know I'm capable of attracting someone. I think I'm just really choosy, and I don't think this is a bad thing.

I don't outwardly flirt with just anyone and make myself part of the typical "hook up" scene because I know who I am. I am a child of God. I'm in love with my Father. I want to be with someone who is also in love with God like I am. Because then this way, the love I have for my significant other will reflect the love I have for my Father, and vice versa. My significant other will recognize me as a child of God, and he will treat me as such, and I will recognize my significant other as a child of God and I will treat him as such. I believe any relationship I have, whether it's romantic or platonic, should help me become the best version of myself, because God is constantly molding me into the best version of myself. Hooking up doesn't appeal to me because I'm not interested in treating a young man as an object for my personal satisfaction. God would never do that to me, and I would never do that to any of his children. I want spend time getting to know a person either on a friend level or via casual dates before entering into a relationship with that person. I don't think dating should be rushed, but it should still be moving.

So maybe I have taken an interest in someone, and I want to get to know him more. I wouldn't be opposed to going on dates with him as long as I've gotten to know him enough to where I'm comfortable being myself around him and can trust him enough to be respectful of me and my feelings/thoughts/opinions. If I'm already friends with a person, maybe it's just a matter of discussing the feelings and taking it to the next level.

Either way, I want to be "wooed." I want to be romanced. I want daisies. I want butterflies in my stomach. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to go on dates in which the young man will pick me up and take me out to dinner. I wouldn't even mind getting picked up to go to the caf. It just has to be a legit date. None of this "Oh well, I like you and you like me, so maybe we should just tell everyone that we're boyfriend and girlfriend" business. Nope. Dates. They did it in the olden days... we can do it now. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. I'm not expecting the young man in question to spend all his money on me. I am expecting thoughtfulness. Thoughtfulness doesn't have to cost money. It could be as simple as cooking dinner for me, or just being there to hang out and shoot the breeze, or going for a walk. I want someone who knows that if they intentionally hurt me, they will have my family, my friends, and my God to answer to. I am a child of God and should be treated as such. :o)

And if I find someone who I want to enter into a relationship with... I think I can bring just as much to him. I can take him on dates. I can attempt to cook him dinner (or at least muffins.... I'm good at muffins). I am patient and I am caring and thoughtful and I am a good listener. It might take me awhile to warm up to new people... but when I do... I think I can be a good friend. I can give him his space and I desire space for myself too. I'm comfortable enough with myself to not be clingy or jealous and I don't think it takes a lot to keep me happy. I don't want to be completely dependent on a person... I want to figure out how I can accomplish tasks myself and be responsible for my own life. I can see the bigger picture, so I am more willing to overlook the little details. I'm a complete goofball and I know when to be serious, too. I'm a lot more grown up than I was in high school.

So. Maybe I'll just take some of that and throw it into my paper. hm. Indeed.

For my stalker friend... you know who you are...

Today I woke up. After waking up, I took a shower. When I got out of the shower, I forgot that I took my towel out to wash, and I was towel-less. I didn't know what to do, so I cracked up. I then bravely ventured forth into the cold hallway, in all my naked glory, to run to the linen closet and grab a towel. I risked a roommate waking up and walking out right then and there... but well, I've done more awkward things in my life than run around in the nude. After drying off and putting clothes on, I jammed out to the Foundations and Frankie Vallie, and then decided I was ready for class. I went to class and learned that I didn't do so well at all on my first test... but this doesn't bother me much as I am a very come-from-behind-victory-kind of girl. I bombed my first metaphysics test, too, which was 25% of my grade, and I still wound up with a low B. So eat that, astronomy! I fear no evil. After astronomy, I stood in the bus line in the freezing cold and extremely windy... wind... for at least 10 minutes. The bus finally pulled up, when all of a sudden this young man appeared right in front of me in line. I blinked a couple times... surely he was not there 10 minutes ago. I cleared my throat. AHEM. No response. I glanced over my shoulder to make sure the line was nice and long, and then tapped the young man on his shoulder. Um. Excuse me. You do know that the end of the line is way back there, right? I did not hide any emotions. The young man immediately turned a bright shade of red, shuffled his feet, looked at the floor, tail between his legs. Uh. yeah. Sorry. He then exited the line, and I resumed my rightful place in line. The young man in front of me actually went to Sexton to wait for the bus to fill up before returning to the line, which was left with maybe 5 people. Even when he returned, he cut. I guess you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
After that little smackdown, I returned to my apartment where I checked my email and facebook and watching "A Haunting" on the Discovery Channel while eating a hearty leftover ravioli lunch. After finishing my raviolis, I washed my dishes and put them away and cleaned the kitchen. After I was done cleaning the kitchen, I quickly went back to my room to make sure my playlist was all set for work, and then I left to go to work. I arrived at the transportation shop at exactly 1:15, where I was greeted by a bus with a missing muffler. What happened to 26? I asked. Someone stole the muffler. What are you talking about, someone stole the muffler? Well, I was driving it, when all of a sudden I realized that the bus was running a lot louder than it should have. The muffler is missing. Are you sure it didn't just fall off somewhere? Nope. I looked! Everywhere! You'd think you'd find a bus muffler layin around on the highway somewhere, but I didn't find it anywhere. Seriously? You think someone came here and stole the muffler right out of the bus? Yep. I do. One of those crazy nincompoop Johnnies, more than likely. After mourning the loss of the muffler of my second favorite bus (426--the Cadillac of all the busses), I drew up some designs for our shop bulletin board, and then before I knew it, it was 1:53 and I had to get in the bus. I did the 2:00 run, and then the 2:45 and 3:15 runs, and then the 3:50 run, and then I did the 5:00 run. My shift ended at 5:45. I got a call from my stalker friend inbetween the end of the 3:50 and the start of the 5:00 run saying she would be in town, so I busted my tush to get to the HCC to see her. I squeeled with joy when her lovely daughter chose to walk to me first instead of that crazy Caleb. I knew she was always a smart cookie. Stalker friend wound up leaving a lot earlier than I thought she would have, so I was able to make it to Gorecki to go to prison. Prison went as well as it usually goes... and it was nice to be back, believe it or not. During Mass, I was struck with this incredible urge to really make something out of prison ministry. I'm hoping to get the groups together during the week to build fellowship and actually plan the Mass,r ather than just showing up at the prison and throwing something together in the 5 minutes we have before the guys even show up. I'm also hoping we can do some kind of teaching mass... I think the guys would really benefit from it. After sayin goodbye to my prison buddies (both inmates and otherwise), I finally came back to my room and had a nice and huge bowl of fiberous and omega-3-filled buttered noodles. I've never eaten so many noodles in my life.. but I'm so full and happy and satisfied for indulging in my noodle craving. And the noodles were good for me, too! It was a healthy indulgence. So now here I am, 11:10 PM (almost 11:11! woo! ha), writing in my blog. I'm probably going to start my homework pretty soon, and then I'm gonna go to bed eventually. I have to write a Pauline letter... as in, pretend that I'm Paul and forge a letter. What a fantastic assignment. Oh Dr. Smiles.
Anyway. You wanted me to update my blog and tell you every little detail of my life, so there it is. I left a couple details out, though. About a *cough* and a certain *cough cough.* Exactly. Ambiguity may or may not be my middle name.

Are we dancing? Are we really here? Is this feeling something real, or will it disappear?

Today I emailed my high school driver's ed teacher an email of appreciation for teaching me how to drive so that I could one day get a job as a bus driver, fall in love with it, and have my life be changed forever in a good way. I think I just may have brightened someone's day today.

Said email encouraged me to take a looksee at my high school's website and take a little stroll down memory lane. Oh, Mr. Anderson (who called me Gards all year... I don't even know if he knows my first name). Mr. Aikens (how proud he would be to know I'm taking astronomy again). Mr. Yates (what a mug shot! seriously. He didn't get me excited for math... but he sure did wake me up to it with his booming coach voice, that's for sure).

I wonder if my high school self would be proud of my college self. Embarrassed? Shocked? Accepting?

I think high school me would be pleased to look at 21-year-old me and see that I'm not a raging alcoholic and that I'm still doing well in school. I think she would be a little sad that I don't feel as connected to God as she is, but I think that she would be understanding of that, given the circumstances. I think she would be a bit bummed to know that I'm still this awfully awkward excuse for a human being around boys and that she hasn't outgrown that quite yet. I think she would be happy to know that 21-year-old me can still relate to her, but I think she would look at 21-year-old me and also know that she could learn from me, because I have grown a bit since high school. I don't think she would believe me when I would tell her that I'm getting into running. She may or may not believe the bus driving thing... I think for her, my choice in being a bus driver would be an accurate prediction... it just seems like something I would do.

I think she would be really bummed that I never kept up with piano, or photography, or something artsy and creative. I think she would be bummed at how I don't always stand up for myself and I still let people walk all over me. I think she would be happy to know that hurts from the past haven't affected who I am to the point where who I am now is a person I would have never wanted to become. I think she would be the most bummed to know how different all her friendships will become... most of which for the worse, but in some cases, not the worst. She would be bummed to know that some of her expectations were not met. She would be sad to know how sad these first couple years really were for me, and how it's taken me up to my junior/senior year of college to really start living. I think she would have wanted me to start living a lot earlier. I don't think she ever bought into the idea that Bennies should marry Johnnies, so I don't think she would care too much that I'm still single.

Would she be proud of me, though? Even though I know she would be bummed at the way a lot of things turned out... would she still be proud of me? Would she think that I did everything I could? Would she be proud to be me? I don't know.

I do miss high school, believe it or not. I at least miss the idea of high school. I miss having a locker! I miss the hallways. I miss the classrooms. I miss being in classes with people I've known either since the start of high school, or the start of elementary school. Even now, four years into college, it still feels so unfamiliar.

Would it have been different if I followed the rest of my graduating class to U of I, or Illinois State, or Harper? What about if I had gone to Aquinas instead of St. Ben's? What if I had transferred my sophomore year? What if, instead my apartment on the east side of campus with some of my very good friends, I was living on campus at DePaul University, or off campus in one of those cool apartments/townhomes in the Lincoln Park neighborhood? Why did that suffocating feeling happen that one night my sophomore year of college that made me rethink my entire solid decision to transfer and make me decide to stay here instead? What has happened in the past year to justify this decision? What if? How does one follow the movements of the spirit? How does one understand until way after the fact? How do I know that right now I am exactly where I am meant to be?

I think right now I'm craving the familiar. I would love to go back in time and relive just one day from high school... some boring day where nothing particularly exciting happened... just to remember what it was like to be surrounded by people who knew me, who were there when things happened, who never had to ask me getting-to-know-you-questions because they already knew, and they already lived it with me. I want that. I miss that.

But right now... here I am, a 21-year-old female, almost ready to graduate from college, still similar to who I was in high school and yet so different. As I stood there for the past 3 years of my life with my world crashing around me, with the earth shaking and crumbling beneath me, the smoke is clearing and I'm finding that I'm still standing here, solidly, on my own two feet. And I think knowing that I've survived these past 3 years is giving me courage to continue for the rest of my life. And that's pretty sweet.

Fantastic!!

Today is a fantastic day. So far. I think it's going to continue to be fantastic.
Today in astronomy, my brain turned off to the lecture, and I made a list of reasons why my day is so fantastic so far. I think I could continue it.

Reasons Why Today Is The Best Day Ever:
*Watching Tom Kirkman make the earth move.
*Frankie Valli has been in my head since last night.
*Did not get a crappy cup of java from Johnnie Java.
*Got an answer to write down on my quiz... even if it wasn't exaactly correct. I'm still a smart cookie.
*My skinny clothes fit on the first try today.
*I saw my friend Erin this morning and her lovely face. We embraced. It was magical.
*Wrote this list instead of pay attention in class. I still look like I'm diligently taking notes. I win.
*Saw the word "Weishlaschoss" written on the board. I have no idea how it got there, or what it means, but it looks fantastic.
*Just looked to my left... saw a kid in a bright red shirt with "That's What She Said!!" written on the back.
*I'm definitely wearing my fundies and none of them match.
*Even cold... my coffee STILL tastes good.
*It's 10:35 and I'm still awake.
*Frankie Valli is still there... you're just too good to be true... can't take my eyes off of you... :o)


The rest of my day will continue to be absolutely fantastic because
A) I get to work from 1:15 until 5:45.
B) I get to go to a shindig for work after. I have never not enjoyed getting together with bus drivers. Happiness will ensue.
C) I am in the midst of creating a "Happy Friday" mix for my bus. Get ready.


Love,
Sara