finding my place?

Isn't it only supposed to be the freshman and transfer students who are still trying to find their place? I don't think I've ever felt so completely lost at school before. I just don't belong anywhere. I don't fit in with any group of people. I don't like going to the bars, and the only thing to do, really, is go to the bars. On top of it all, I'm just really shy and insecure sometimes. I want so desperately to fit in somewhere and to look forward to a fun weekend for once instead of one spent indoors watching "Say Yes to the Dress." I hate the fact that the only people I've ever hung out with in college have either moved, gotten married, or gotten a new group of friends to hang out with. I hate being in this position. I hate being alone. I just want to have fun. That's all I ask. I want a place to belong. I want to have friends here who I can go to about anything. I don't want to be the last resort friend, or the friend you only hang out with when you would rather not go to the bars. Is that so much to ask? It doesn't help that I'm so paranoid about what other people think of me, either. God. I should have been out of this phase by now. This just sucks. I'm gonna go do something lame like wash dishes or something. Maybe eat even more icecream. I hate how this feels.

Kaile

I have a niece, Kaile, who died when she was 2. I was 7. It's a tragic tale that I don't feel the need to talk about yet. But the thought occurred to me that next month would have been her 16th birthday. You know where I was when I was 16? I was in Paris. I landed in Paris on my 16th birthday. I was with my dad, I was taking this incredible opportunity to perform in Paris and London with orchestra. I was performing piano in Paris when I was 16. And Kaile would be 16 pretty soon. What kind of mischief would she have gotten herself into?

I'm finding that I'm not thinking of her as often as I used to. I didn't think of her that much when I was younger, and then I started to when I was around middle school. I used to think of her at least once a month. I don't think I've thought of her for months now. I feel like a horrible auntie. How can you forget to remember the first person you ever remember falling in love with?

This paper is really hard to do because I'm finding out how hard my heart has gotten. I haven't been paying attention in life. I need to pay attention. I need to remember. Anyway.

The Bird. (not for the faint of heart!)

Today, I legitimately flipped the bird at someone for the first time. I mean. I've done it jokingly with my friends. I've done it in the car under the steering wheel just to get the feeling of satisfaction. But I've never actually done it with intention and without regret. If I ever do anything mean to someone... I always feel shaky and regretful after... because I'm a nice girl... and nice girls don't just flip some random guy off. But I just felt so... ROAR!!!!!!!!! Empowered!! Like I made a statement to a deserving d-bag.

The scene was this: I walked out of Coldstone, like it-size chocolate icecream with M&Ms in hand, with my roommate. We got to her car, when we heard a squealing of rubber on pavement, followed by a, "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING YOU DUMB BITCH!!!" A red pick up blazed by, nearly knocking this poor girl off her feet. As the truck went by, without hesitation, I raised my middle finger, hand following truck as it passed, a giant "FUCK YOU!" being lip-synched by yours truly. Sir Dickwad certainly saw it and exchanged obscenities, but by that time I was in the car and getting ready to go the opposite direction.

So maybe the guy could have stopped and beaten the crap of me. It was probably the wrong idea at the time. I probably shouldn't have treated a child of God in that way. But the action was so automatic... and it felt so GOOD. I should voice my opinion more often.

if a black cat crosses your path... something about your grandmother's back... or wait... that's step on a crack... nevermind.

Tonight, as I got out of my night class from St. John's, I heard a meow coming from the monastic gardens. I paused and looked around curiously and then continued. I saw a black cat emerge from the darkness and sit in front of me under a light. I said hello and continued on my way. The black cat looked at me curiously, and then began to follow me. I stopped. It stopped. I walked, it walked. I sped up, it sped up. I slowed down, it ran ahead of me, realized that I wasn't there, and stopped... and waited for me. I walked again and chuckled to myself. The cat walked closer and closer and closer to me. I don't know if it realized I was about to kick it with my feet, but it started weaving in between my legs as I walked, causing me to pause and start laughing out loud. "WHAT DO YOU WANT, CAT!!??" I asked of it. It looked up at me, sat on my feet, and meowed. I wiggled my feet, "Dude, cat, you gotta move your butt." It scurried off my feet and continued to dodge my legs as I continued my trek up to Sexton from Emmaus. I started to play with it a little. I stopped. Cat stopped. I jumped to the right. Cat ran to the right. I jumped to the left. Cat ran to the left. I faked right and went left and the cat totally fell for it. I laughed again. I passed Tommy Hall on my way up to the water fountain, where I was planning to sit and stare at the cat for awhile as I waited for my bus... and possibly call life safety and let them know that one of the monks must have lost their cat. The cat stayed back by Tommy Hall and didn't go any further. We engaged in a staring contest for awhile. The cat wouldn't move, and neither would I. It went and started meowing at all the guys walking into Tommy. I almost cried when one idiot boy hissed at it. Jerk. The cat ran away and stopped in front of Simon Hall, where it parked it's butt and laid down. I observed a young man walked in the direction of the cat. The young man stopped in his tracks and stared at the cat, unsure of what to do. He took a tentative step forward, and then another, and the cat didn't even look up at him. By now I'm cracking up... this is truly hilarious. The young man looks at me, "what the heck??" written all over his face. He pointed to the cat. I shrugged. He shrugged and yelled at me, "That's frickin creepy." hahaha. Then some idiot boys scared the cat and it hid in the bushes. Poor cat. I hope that I can be reunited with it one day. Easily the highlight of my day. Hands down. Or should I say... paws down. baha.

I might be seeing friends from high school when I go home for Thanksgiving. The majority of these friends I haven't talked to since about January. These friends... sometimes I think that we have the kind of friendship that we could just pick up right where we left off... but I don't know. Maybe I don't think the majority of them are my friends after all. Maybe I think they should have put more into the friendship for these past four years. Maybe I do think that I tried, and maybe I don't regret giving up like I did. Maybe I don't think being boys is an excuse. Maybe I am really hurt by it, and maybe the disappointment of losing their friendship during the months I'm at school has severely affected how I currently approach friendships. Maybe I don't really want to see them.

But I still do. I still want to hold onto the hope that there's something left to salvage... that maybe I'm being too serious... that maybe they still care about me despite the fact that even though I've visited all of them in school or that I've left notes on their facebook once in awhile to simply check in on them. I do think I deserve the kinds of friends who want to approach me and invite me places sometimes, and who will be open to me taking the initiative once in awhile. I don't think that the current state of most of the friends I have from high school reflects that kind of friendship that I long for... but I still want to hold on to hope that it will change... that maybe, when I made that promise to myself my senior year of high school to never lose them... maybe I won't lose them.

And let's be 100% honest here... when I saw them, I was 242 pounds. I am currently 205 pounds. If I work hard enough and if fred doesn't make me retain water beforehand... I very well might be in "one-derland"... FINALLY... under 200 pounds. I worked really hard to get to this point. I am still working hard for this. My battle with losing weight isn't just physical in nature... it has definitely been an emotional and spiritual battle as well. And I'm coming out victorious. I would love to just show off my hard work to them. I would love to surprise them... maybe they would realize all that they've been missing.

But maybe they won't notice at all. And that scares me even more. Maybe they don't care enough to notice that I've lost about 35 pounds. Maybe they never cared.

I really don't mean to sound like Miss Lonelyhearts or anything. I am sincerely blessed to have the friends up in Minnesota that I do. I wish that I could be even more myself and more open with these friends... and that will probably come with time... if these friends will even stick after graduation... which is another blog post in itself. I'm just kind of nervous about seeing old friends again. I wouldn't say that I'm excited... I'm caught up in this limbo place where I'm looking forward to the event, but dreading it. Perhaps I would rather stay at home watching Burn Notice with my parents... because my parents have been there for me through thick and thin. Does that make me a bad person? Have you ever had to "break up" with a friend?

I really don't want to break up. I would really love to see my old friendships get back to where they were when we were all in high school. I just don't know how much of a possibility that is anymore.

Anyway. Know that you are loved. Be well. Smile awhile.

Tomorrow is a bus driving day... and since I am the second afternoon driver, according to the new rules, I am allowed to *finally* drive that new bus I've been DYING to drive since my sophomore year. Tomorrow will be a good day.

Housekeeping!!!

Today, instead of thinking about Paul and His Letters, I had a genius idea. I think it's an idea I had a couple years ago... but now that I'm desperate for extra cash again... I remembered it... so I guess I have to say that I remembered a genius idea.

Would people on campus pay someone to clean their bathroom, living room, and kitchen, for $5 per room? Dishes for an additional $3? Tips accepted?

My first thought was... this could work. $15 an apartment could add up over time. I could even give people the option of wanting lemony fresh or unscented cleaning products.

However... would I realllly want to go in a guy's bathroom? I mean... come now. Could anyone pay me enough to go in there without a bio-hazard suit? Am I desperate enough? I'm bordering yes.

And then, at the end of class, I realized just how much I'm turning into my mother. My mother cleaned houses after she got a divorce to support herself and her two daughters. And now... maybe I'll be a cleaning lady, too. It could be good. My Mom met my dad that way.

Food for thought... food for thought...

Before I die... I want to know why I'm alive.

What makes your heart skip a beat? What gets you so excited that you can't fall asleep because you keep thinking about it? What is your biggest passion? What makes you feel alive? What makes you feel so alive that you can feel the wind blow between each of your fingers?

It used to be bus driving. I used to feel really excited to go drive the bus. Granted, I still do... but definitely not the extent that I used to. I asked for some divine help at the start of the year to help me fizzle out my desire to drive the bus... because I knew that if I didn't get a hold of it, I would really miss driving the bus too much after I graduate. I at least wanted to take the focus off of my current job, and if I could refocus that energy to another job, that would be fantastic... but for now... I just have to detach myself from my job.

But aside from the bus driving... what exactly am I passionate about? What gets my blood going? What brings tears to my eyes?

Is it cheesy to admit that one of these passions is God? I thrive off of my conversations with God in whatever form they take... whether it's Mass, taking a walk around the lake, volunteering, or even having conversations with other people about anything at all (God is present in everyone after all, correct?). I love learning little intimate details about people's lives... like what they were like in 3rd grade, or what they think or how they feel about life and love and why. I love God so, so deeply, and the love that I have for God is definitely carried over into my relationships with my friends, and sometimes my family.

I am very passionate about people and about having relationships with people... regardless of the type of relationship. I love getting to know people, spending time in the presence of people, laughing and crying and frolicking with people. I love to love others. I remember when I was in high school, I asked God what He wanted me to do with my life... and I heard a distinct response, which was a simple, "Love." There are some areas in which I need to learn how to love people a little better. But for the most part... I just love to love. Granted, this doesn't help me pick out a career. I guess it gives me a little flexibility... I think that's why I love bus driving so much--because I can be that person who is there smiling for you a real genuine toothy smile when you get on the bus after you just had the most stressful test of your life.

I always feel so much better when I'm volunteering. I think if I volunteered more, I would be happier. I volunteered all the time in high school... and now that I'm in college... I just don't. But I love to. It's what I do. Maybe that's part of why I don't feel content all the time at college... because I'm not doing what I love.... loving others. I mean I volunteer at least once a month. But I could do more. I remember one time I volunteered at the Place of Hope my freshman year... in the fall... when I knew no one. It was awesome. Why haven't I kept that up? Hm? I always felt so ALIVE in high school when I planned and led retreats and IGNITE nights and did my peer ministry thing and my justice and service things. What stopped me in college??? What's my deal??

I just love people. I love to love. Loving makes my heart skip a beat and makes me so happy inside. I love to reach out to people who don't get loved that often and just love them. And I really love God. I could sit in adoration for hours and just sit there and love Jesus.

So. Loving others and loving God makes my heart skip a beat and makes me feel the wind between my fingers. I don't really know what the heck I'm going to do with that though. But anyway. Fin.