Confessions

I am done apologizing for/not admitting the following things about myself:


1) I like Miley Cyrus. I saw my first episode of Hannah Montana over break... and... I also liked it.


2) I hate what I look like. I do not think I am beautiful.


3) I do not think many people like me. I think a lot of people are liars.


4) I do not like getting close to people because I am always waiting for the ball to drop. I am waiting for that person to go away. The typical pattern has been that people leave. It's a natural part of life, sure, but I've never had anyone who stuck with me through thick and thin, so I always wait for the ball to drop. Because of this, not many people know much about me, except for only a couple. There's one person who reads this blog who questions if she is one of them. She is.


5) I love dressing up and wearing necklaces.. especially my Grandma's silver and gold one. I do not like wearing sweatshirts and tshirts *all* the time, but I feel like if I dress up for class, then I'm trying too hard, and people are going to look at me funny... like, who does SHE think she is... looking nice for class? So I don't dress up for class. Though sometimes I do, and on those days, I feel really good and do really well.


6) I have had crushes on mostly English teachers. Even in college. Even this semester. Even if he is old enough to be my father.


7) I burp. I also fart, and poop. I'm not exactly ashamed of it... unless I'm around people I do not know.


8) I check to see what my poop looks like before I flush it.


9) I'm actually terrified of bees and driving in snow... but when I'm in the driver's seat of the bus, somehow the fear goes away. Catch me standing in line with a bee flying around my head, however, and I flip a pancake.



10) I like being a positive influence on my friends when it comes to my weight loss, but when they lose more than I have in less amount of time than I have, and don't seem to be having the same problems I am, I tend to hate them.



11) I am actually a really jealous person.



12) I want to be a soccer mom. I want a minivan.



13) I want to live in the city, but I want to move out of it when I'm ready to start a family. I want my kids to be able to play in the grass and not be pressured to join a gang.



14) I have altered my interests to fit in with people. Sometimes I don't even know what I like or dislike. Of this I am certain: I love having something to believe in, I love boybands, I love baking, I love piano, I love writing, I love watching people, I love getting to know people, I love that people call me by my full name, and I love bus driving.



15) I prefer handwriting to typing.



16) I miss getting snail mail from pen pals... but I don't have time to keep up with pen pals like I used to.



17) I like High School Musical because I like to make fun of it... not because I seriously like it. I do seriously like the music though. I do actually have a High School Musical Pandora station that I listen to often... and often when I'm at work.



18) I do not like talking on the phone, but I will if it's my only form of communication.



19) I often fear that I scare people away when they take the time to get to know me.



20) I over think everything... from what to eat for breakfast to what to do for the rest of my life.



21) If I chew white gum, I spit it out in the snow and cackle. :o)



22) I hate showing off my abilities, but I want to make myself known somehow.



23) I hate being the friend that people only hang out with when they don't want to go to the bars. Granted, I don't really like going to the bars, but I'm always up for some wine and chocolate. Or bowling. Or something equally fun that doesn't necessarily mean going to a bar where a bunch of drunk boys are going to be all up in my bizznass.
23b) I secretly like when drunk boys get on my bus and are a lot friendlier to me than they would have been otherwise.



24) I miss my high school friends, but I don't think I can get them back because I pushed them pretty hard when I pushed them away.



25) I'm afraid to quit Weight Watchers because I'm afraid that I will gain back all the weight I lost, even though I'm basically wasting my money by not losing weight right now. Weight Watchers, while great at first, has been really upsetting my self image, because I've hit a point where my body just doesn't want to lose weight no matter what I try, and I have put too much importance on a stupid number. I forget the other ways in which I am doing a good job... like being able to run a mile nonstop in about 10-12 minutes, or being able to talk to myself before I start mindlessly eating in front of the TV ("are you really hungry, Sara? does it make sense for you to be hungry right now?"). I don't really think I can do it though. I don't even think I can make it to my first goal, the way things are going.



26) I talk to myself a lot. A lot of times I turn those convesations with myself into prayers, but I seriously wonder if God actually listens to them if my intentions weren't to talk to him at first, but rather myself.



27) I wish I found my special someone in college so that he could propose to me this semester by tripping up the stairs while boarding the bus during one of my work shifts and land on one knee.

28) My initial reaction to basically any situation is to fight it/rebel. Like if someone tells me they have a certain opinion on something, my immediate reaction is to take the opposite opinion. Or when I got stuck in the old bus all the time last year I grew defiant and said, "Well I LOVE this bus." and then i wound up actually loving it.

29) I'm a closet romantic.

30) I hate when people talk about how much fun they have with their other friends when I wasn't a participant in said fun.

31) I always wished I had a tight group of girlfriends like in Sex in the City or the Babysitter's Club (haha to putting those two shows together in the same sentence).

32) I actually like Sex in the City.

33) Sometimes I catch myself narrating my life as it happens.

34) Sometimes I catch myself creating characters in my head and situations to put said characters in. I need to write this stuff down.
34b) sometimes I make said characters into Sims characters.
34c) sometimes I create myself into a Sim character so that when things don't go my way in real life, I can still see it happen in my Sim life.

35) My new phone makes me feel like a grown up. A sexy grownup. Should phones make a person feel sexy?

36) I'm really gullible.

37) I don't know if I have what it takes to survive my life.

38) I know I would never be a good cooking show host, because last night while making a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, I pretended like I was Emeril, and the only thing I was good at was saying "BAM!!" every time I flipped the sandwich.

39) I did not know that Hannah Montana had a song called "The Icecream Freeze." I knew she had a "hoedown throwdown," but oh man. This is another reason for me to like Hannah Montana.

40) I need physical touch to affirm my existence as a human being. This whole being-around-people-who-don't-like-hugging-constantly-thing is driving me crazy.

41) I feel like I need to earn every shower I take... meaning I need to be stinking really badly to take a shower... meaning I need to have worked out before taking a shower.

42) I'm not mad at my sister anymore, but I don't know how to tell her because I've been mad for a long time.

43) I never sent birthday cards to my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins before because my mom always did that. I don't know if she still signs my name, and I don't know if I can send out my own cards like I want to because I don't want my niece/nephew/aunts/uncles/cousins to get a card from me and then a card from my parents and me, because it would make one of us look like a fake. And no one wants that. So I just don't do it. But I want to.

44) I like cats. I like dogs more, but I still like cats.

45) I would consider pre-marital sex with the right person.

46) I do not agree with the Church's stance on birth control.

47) I've considered being a nun not because I'm feeling called to it, but because I've been single for a long time and I don't think anyone will ever really love me if they haven't already. I don't want to say that being single is bad... and part of me prefers it... but I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life.

48) I became a bus driver because I felt like I lost control over my life, and being in the driver's seat gave me a feeling of control again.

49) I take extra work shifts to avoid being alone on the weekends.

50) Marshmallows are my weakness. I eat those things by the bagful.