It's Aliiiiiiiiive

Friends,

I have not died. I don't even know if anyone checks up on this thing anymore... but JUST IN CASE... here's an update on my life and the things that are happening with it:

1) Last Wednesday I went in for my road test to obtain my Illinois CDL... and passed! I started earning my big kid school bus driver salary at the end of this past week. So far I am enjoying my route and the kids on it. My midday kindergarteners all like to sing to me and show me their art projects. My junior high kids are mostly Hispanic and live in one of the less "well-to-do" areas, but they are good kids. I've shadowed many bus drivers with kids in that particular area who are complete monsters... so I am quite lucky. I've heard even worse stories about the kids in gangs riding the bus. I am quite lucky that I do not have that route. My elementary school kids are kind of bratty... but I chalk it up to their youth and just say prayers to Momma Mary for patience. You know, I was never one for praying to Mary... but I must say that she's been helping me a lot with these little kids. I'm not saying I'm going to be one of those crazy people who go and consecrate themselves to her or anything. But it's nice knowing she cares.

2) I'm thinking about taking youth ministry off the table for potential careers. I just don't think it's the right fit for me anymore. I am completely confused about the direction in which my life is going... but right now, in this moment, I feel like I am where I am supposed to be. And right now, I am working 30ish hours a week driving the bus and 10 hours a week working in the front office at my church. I am working every day, but the work is enjoyable so far (for the most part), and I think I should have enough to get by. I don't think this is going to be the case for the rest of my life... but right now, I'm supposed to be home with my parents driving a school bus and answering phones in the front office.

Aside from just feeling right with my current place... I realized that youth ministry simply does not get me excited anymore. This worries me a bit because it used to be something I was quite passionate about... and lately I've been feeling a bit lackluster in general... but maybe it's just time to move on. I'm not even excited about being a catechist. I want to drop out. If I want to be completely honest with myself... I hated being a theology major. I never did any of my homework and I slacked at every paper I was assigned. The only parts of theology I was interested in were pneumatology (even then... I don't think I cracked open any books for it... it was mostly the class discussion I enjoyed and the fact that I never thought about the Holy Spirit before in such detail), spiritual companioning, and family church and society. I enjoyed some of the Scripture-based classes as well... but only when I was doing my personal research project, rather than learning anything else, and my personal research projects pertained to one of those three areas I mentioned earlier. B. Sutts ("Butts," as a friend and I used to call her) made me feel completely inadequate in ministry, but regardless of her stupid class, I still just don't think I would be a very good youth minister. I clearly can't get hired as one around these parts, so that should be a pretty good sign to start looking elsewhere, eh? It sucks because it makes me feel like I wasted 4 years of my life... but at the same time... those 4 years weren't a complete waste. I made some great friends and learned a lot along the way. They weren't easy, but they were good.

So anyway, what do I want to do? I haven't a clue. Maybe write. Maybe teach. Maybe do social work. Maybe run away and live in a redwood tree. Sometimes it's hard to remind myself that I have a place in the world somewhere.

3) I've been enjoying my young adult group, but I'm growing increasingly frustrated at how left out I really am. These guys in my group are mostly in their late 20s early 30s... with one or two exceptions. Whenever I try going to a "young adult" event... I simply do not run into anyone my age, or anyone not married or in a serious relationship. I don't have any 22-year-old friends around here. And I only connect so well with people that much older than me, you know? Even the late 20s guys. They don't exactly invite me out with them on the weekend.

4) I've been sick and miserable all week. I'm feeling a little better today... I can finally breathe through my nose and I don't have a horrible sore throat anymore, though I do have a little cough, but nothing major. Is it sad that I enjoyed being sick this week because the Nyquil gave me some really vivid dreams? The only problem with Nyquil is that I never wanted to wake up... the dreams always seemed so much more exciting.

5) I went back up to St. John's a couple weekends ago. Got to hang out with some old friends. I felt like I did not belong on campus anymore... I didn't even feel really welcomed, you know? I just kind of felt like it was time to move on and forget about it already. The people who I continue to keep in contact with are the ones who matter. The rest... well... as Fr. Rene would say in metaphysics... they drifted onto my stage and left, as is the case with most people in life.

6) I really love being home with my parents. However, I've been really lonely lately, because I never have anywhere to go on the weekends aside from staying up in my room watching movies on demand. As much as I love my parents... I'm not going to make new friends, or find someone to fall in love with, by staying in all the time. But at the same time, I don't have anyone to go out with either, so I'm stuck.

Well I think that's most of it. At least some of it. I should try and go to bed now. We are having a youth rally at church tomorrow (and it's *required*... so... yay... nothing says "get excited about Jesus!" like a required youth rally). I can't say I'm excited to give up my entire Sunday for it, but I am looking forward to seeing Jesse Manibusan, because I know he's a lot of fun. At least he was when I was in high school. Hopefully he isn't one of those things that stopped getting exciting for me because I got old and tired.

Oh, Hi.

I haven't written in a long while kind of and for that I apologize. I have made my secret blog not-so-secret, and if you are curious, you can find it here. It's pretty baller if you ask me. I have this one post saved as a draft that I will eventually make public, too. Hopefully sooner than later. I've mostly been holding off on posting it because I want to make sure it's good enough to post. See that's my problem... I worry too much about sounding like an idiot. haha.

Anyway. Just incase you were wondering... I'll let you know what's been going on in the wonderful life of Sara G for the past couple weeks!
1) Went to a housewarming party at a friend's house in the city. Had a BLAST. Seriously. I'm pretty sure the last time I laughed that hard was at one of Kym's political parties... where we played that one game... Loaded Questions?? The one where everyone's answer had to deal with Sarah Palin's ass? lol. oh man. memories. Anyway. I digress. The housewarming party was a much needed evening of constant fun and shenanigans. We wined and dined and wined some more, played some SERIOUS rock band (seriously... too much rock for one hand.. RAWR-type rock band), laughed-so-hard-i-peed-a-little-in-my-pants-multiple-times, and ended with a completely safe midnight trip to the beach. I would like more of that in my life.

2) I had a very promising interview at Loyola University that I am currently extremely anxious about. It was for an office assistant position at the Center for the Catholic Intellectual Heritage. The CCIH's mission involves basically taking great Catholic/Christian theologians and making it more accessible to both the Loyola and greater communities... regardless of theological background. The job description on the website sounded like it would be more receptionist-y... but going in for my interview I learned that it was a lot more event planning-y... and I got even more excited about it. I mean this interview went really well. They were using language like, "When you work here..." as opposed to "If you work here." The conversation flowed really well and they took a lot of notes. They asked me to describe what it meant to work in a team... and my seriously badass genius answer was in relation to the Trinity, which made them smile a lot. Shoot, the director of the center is from Minnesota, and when we walked over from HR to the CCIH, we were talking about St. John's and how awful Tommies smelled and etc. And they had five books of the St. John's Bible on display under shiny bright lights which I obviously noticed right away, and wowed them even more by pointing out that they were missing one book. I mean seriously. This was a good interview. I didn't have any underlying gut feelings that were bad. They said over 200 people applied for the job, and I was one of 4 chosen for an interview. They said if I was chosen, they would like me to start on the 23rd. But still, I'm FREAKING OUT right now because I haven't heard from them (the director said they had one last interview at the beginning of the week and that they would contact me as soon as possible after with a decision). I've been googling "signs of a good interview." My tummy hurts. I can't sleep through the night. I have butterflies. I want to be hopeful, but I don't want to get my hopes up too high either. I don't want to jinx it, but I can't help be excited about it. And then I'm afraid that if I don't get it, it will be another huge heartbreak for me, and I just don't want to have another huge heart break. One was enough for a summer. Geez louise. But my tummy hurts. And my poop is irregular. And I have a zit between my eyebrows that formed post-TOM. I would just like to be put out of my misery please. Yay or nay. Please. Soon. Before I pop. I mean if I get this job... it's going to be a hell of a commute until I can afford to move closer. I mean straight up pain in the ass. It's an hour train ride down to Chicago (at 6:30 in the morning, mind you), and then another 40ish minute bus ride up to Loyola. Twice a day. Ohhh, but I want it. I'm trying to actively leave it in God's hands... because obviously I did my best and everything else is beyond my control. But man. My tummy has been hurting all week. And I was even worse before the interview. And I've been rambling for forever. See? Nervous. Please pray for me.

3) Just incase I do not get the Loyola job, I do have a school bus driving job on the back burner. I have to retake all of my tests though, which is another pain in the kisser. I embarrassed myself today when I took a practice test online and failed it. Whoops. Guess I've got some studying to do. In all fairness... the questions were stupid ones like, "Precisely how many feet will it take a bus going 55 mph to stop in the rain in Russia on a Wednesday?" Of course I don't know. I am one with my bus. I don't need numbers. Pff.

4) I think I have poor circulation, because my feet are often purple, while the rest of me is not. I'm trying to combat this by wiggling my feet and keeping my toesies warm.

5) Teigan is 1 years old. what what!! And Bella is going to be 2. Seriously. Stop it. Right now.

6) I do NOT have "move in!!!" scribbled ANYWHERE on my August calendar. This is also making my tummy hurt. I mean I'm excited to be a big bad adult now... but man. I want to go back. Weird? I had a dream last night about going back to school. I was mostly excited when, in my dream, I got on the Link again. I hope this missing-the-Link-thing will go away sooner than later.

7) So my church has this thing called "CALLED," which is a year-long speaker series about finding your calling in the Church as a lay minister. So I want to sign up for it, right, because I'm you know, discerning my calling to the Church as a lay minister. Turns out the stupid thing is $200. Seriously. To pay for speakers who are ALREADY PAID STAFF AT MY PARISH. what the heck. Can you tell me the logic in that? Because I can't seem to find it. There must be a shit ton of reading materials. And even so.. why can't I just pull a college-student and get copies of said reading materials for dirt cheap off the black market? Hm? Ugh.

8) I got a new Sims3 expansion pack with my Target gift card yesterday. hahaha. Oh man. So my Sims can do laundry now. How freaking cool is that? Also, they have new careers, such as being a firefighter or a GHOSTBUSTER (yes. ghostbuster), and I can FOLLOW THEM AROUND ON THE JOB!!!!! Oh man!!! Now I can control every single thing about their life!!!! I'm beginning to think I have control issues. But seriously. Today, my firefighter Sim went to work, and he had to respond to a small house fire, and the closer he got to the site, the more I could start hearing this James Bond-y/danger-themed music playing to go along with his action of fighting flames. It was INTENSE. Oh man. *cough*

I think that's it for now. I gotta check on my laundry. :o) Bye. :o)

This Just In...

Tonight I realized that there is a direct correlation between the time of the month and the amount of time I spend in front of the TV watching the Lifetime Movie Network.

...that is all.

Peeing On My Own Hydrant

When I first decided to go to St. Ben's, I was excited beyond words. And why? Because I was FINALLY being given an opportunity to make my OWN decision for my life... I could make my OWN mark on the world... I didn't have to follow in my sister's footsteps any longer. I was finally able to pee on my OWN hydrant. Mark my OWN territory. Take something new, and make it mine. I was thrilled at the idea of a clean slate, a new adventure... something I can call my own. I've always had a bit of an adventurous spirit, in this sense.

And now that I've graduated... I'm finding that I'm falling back into my past insecurities. I'm relying too heavily on my parent's approval. I don't know what I want... I don't even know who I am anymore. My Mom wants me to keep a bus driving job in the school district over any other job offer I may or may not receive, because I can join the union and get health care and other benefits with it. She doesn't want me to work in the church, necessarily, because of this. My Dad doesn't want me to start grad school because he doesn't think that I should tack on more loans to my already impossible-to-pay-back amount of undergrad loans. Shoot, I really did want to study writing and I really did love the writing and publishing program at DePaul, but even my motivation for doing that is questionable. I wanted to be home, I wanted that safe feeling of knowing that I will be going back to school in the fall, I wanted to be with a guy who I still have feelings for even though they aren't reciprocated anymore (which *still* boggles my mind, and it worries me that I can't shake it). He was the one who kept pushing DePaul on me. I mean I did a healthy dose of pushing it on me myself, don't worry, but he was the one who made the option sound more appealing than volunteering, and for that, I'm mad at myself. My sister and parents are both telling me to live at home until I can find a job, and then buy a car, and then move out on my own, in that order. My friends from a retreat I work on told me that I should be a spiritual director for the new college-level retreat we are planning... so I am. The people I send my resumes and cover letters off to all tell me that I'm not good enough for that particular position... so I believe it. Tomorrow, I'm going for a youth ministry interview at my parish that I want, but I'm not even sure if I want, all at the same time.

I'm confused and I have no idea what I want from life anymore. I haven't been able to make my own decisions and I have to ask for permission to do things that I should really have control over by now. I mean shoot, what if I do want to move back to Minnesota? What if I want to look for jobs where I can actually *find* them, no matter what state they are in? What if I want to pursue a relationship with the only person I've ever felt so deeply connected with that we think the same thoughts and understand each other where words fail? What if I want to give it another shot... give it some time to see if there *is* a real connection or if we *should* just be friends? What if I don't *want* to be the spiritual director for this retreat next year? What if I *want* to do grad school next year? What if I don't *want* to drive a bus and go through that entire process of getting an Illinois CDL? Why hasn't anyone asked me? Why can't I have any control over the things I do or do not do? Why do I have to listen to what people tell me to do? Why haven't I stood up for myself?

I don't know what I'm good for. Honestly. I know it's something. I know it's something special. But is it youth ministry? Do I seriously have those gifts necessary to be a good youth minister? Do I have the passion? Do I have the drive? I don't know. I like the idea of it. I liked doing it in high school and in college. But do I want to do it forever? Do I want to go to church every day for at least 4 or 5 hours to work on youth ministry things? Do I want to deal with church politics? Do I want to work with a youth minister I never thought was genuine, even as a high schooler?

You know what I would *really* like? I would really like a year long sabbatical. I would like to just take the time off, get my loans deffered again somehow. I'd like to take that $5000 I'm told I have from my grandpa, get a cheap car with good gas mileage, and go on a road trip all around the US. Shit, I'd like to do something extremely crazy and possibly stupid, like hop on a plane and travel around Europe relying entirely on the good will of the people I encounter for food and housing. I'd like to live in Alaska and go golfing at three o'clock in the morning, because the sun will still be shining. I'd like to learn how to golf so that I can golf in Alaska at three o'clock in the morning.

And I know I can't really do those things, because I do not have the means of doing it. So I think of what I really want out of my life, and do you know what I want? I want to get married and I want to have a family. And then I think of how completely lame that is, and how completely not helpful it is when it comes to choosing a career, because I don't want to be protected and told what to do for the rest of my life, and I've always been taught to be independent and able to fully rely on myself instead of a man. I need to contribute to the family I eventually have. I need to meet a man. And then I realize that I seriously did think that I was going to have something special this summer with someone special... I seriously trusted God when those feelings during the year grew beyond my control... and those feelings haven't gone away and there's nothing I can do about it... because he can somehow decide over the course of 4 hours that I'm not worth risking a good friendship over... because life isn't all rainbows and fairy shit all the time... that falling in love isn't like falling in love in the movies... and seriously? I think I was falling in love with him... or something as close to love as I've felt. Lame. Totally lame. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I have no idea what I want.

What do I want to *do* with my life? I have no clue. I need a break. Do I have to have this all figured out right now? What if I don't even *want* to be a youth minister. What if I'm no *good* at it? What if I'm missing my calling. What if I have no calling. I feel so completely clueless right now. What if I hated every second of studying theology... or almost every second, at least. What if I don't feel like I earned my degree? What if I looked in the mirror today and couldn't recognize the person staring back at me? I don't know what to do. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I'm good at.

This quickly spiraled out of control. Please help me. Please tell me what I'm good at. I have no clue. I don't know where to go. I don't know what I want. Right now all I want to do is go somewhere I can't go. How can I be so excited for an interview one day and so terrified the next? How can I keep swaying from feeling so completely great about myself to so completely useless? How did I ever get on this crazy spinny upside-downy ride, and where can I get off?

My Bucket List

I realized tonight that while I am generally very dissatisfied with a lot of things about my life right now (like the fact that I don't have a job yet and I can't contribute anything to my family, for starters), I still have so much to be thankful for (like the fact that I have such understanding and loving parents who believe in me and will give me IOUs until I don't need them anymore). I realized that I have been blessed with a vacation right now... that I will soon enough have a 40 hr/week job, and I won't have this luxury of being home and gardening with my mom anymore.

And so I was thinking... you know, I really need to make the most of this. I need to stop waiting for my life to happen, and I need to go seeking more adventures. So hey. Here's the bucket list I started. I'll probably be adding to it. But whenever I complete something, I'll let you know in my blog, and I'll post a picture with it. It'll be fun. You'll see.

1) Wear a swimsuit out in public.
2) Be 155 pounds again.
3) Get a job I actually love.
4) Get married... to a man, to Jesus, or to my community... whatever God wants.
5) Run a marathon.
6) Run a half-marathon.
7) Run a 5k.
8) See the Chicago Symphony Orchestra
9) Go to the opera.
10) Go to a Cubs game.
11) Live on my own.
12) Have a pet (dog!)
13) Ride on historical route 66
14) Learn how to knit.
15) Volunteer at a homeless shelter
16) Cook meals for Mom and Dad
17) Bake cute things. Cute miniature things. Cute colorful things. :o)
18) See Pope LIVE from the Vatican
19) Go to Subiaco
20) Visit Spain
21) Visit London
22) Visit Greece
23) Visit Ireland
24) Have a best friend till the day I die.
25) Go on a hot air balloon ride.
26) Go to Seattle
27) Go to California... see the Pacific Ocean, really. In California.
28) Publish a book.
29) Learn to ride my bike like a pro on the busy streets in the Loop
30) Have children of my own.
31) Be debt-free
32) Be a homeowner
33) Repair relationships with my sister and nephew.
34) Visit my aunt in Vegas
35) Visit my uncle in jail.
36) Go to a wine tasting event.
37) Visit Alaska
38) Go on a cruise
39) Go whale watching
40) Have a summerhouse on the beach
41) Live by a large body of water.
42) Connect better with my aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews on my Mom's side.
43) Kiss a handsome stranger.
44) Get ridiculously drunk.
45) Live a more environmentally-friendly lifestyle.
46) Climb to the top of a climbing wall.
47) Get a professional massage
48) Go to the ladyparts doctor.
49) Learn more about other religions
50) Take ballroom dancing lessons.

I will probably add more. But 50 is a nice number for a list, so that's where it is for now. :o)

Epic Dream

Today (my birthday! woo!) is *really* starting out on the right foot.

For starters... I had the most EPIC of all dreams last night. It was like God whipped me up something special. You see, in my dream, I was part of a secret spy organization of some kind who had to go around beating up the bad guys. In the beginning, I was given the opportunity to meet Lady Gaga... which I was toootally stoked for, because I really like Lady Gaga. And Lady Gaga did not disappoint. She was certifiably insane. She was dressed in this all white costume thing with feathers and God only knows what else, with this crazy makeup on and insanely long eyelashes, and she just kind of serpentined over to me (I don't know how to explain it.... her head was very snake-like) and almost got too close for comfort, but I remembered (in my dream) that the way to calm the Gaga beast was to stare right into her eyes (it earns her respect) no matter what, and never let go. So Lady Gaga is gettin all up in my bizznass and I couldn't stop staring at her comically made-up face, and she was yelling at me for being backstage when I wasn't allowed to be, but I was like, "No way girl, I'm here and I'm meeting you!" So I got into a little staredown with Gaga and eventually she retreated and we became friends.

Then my dream jumped down to some dark alleyway where I engaged in some kind of business transaction with a shady character, and then my dream jumped to a scene where Morgan Freeman (yes, Morgan Freeman) and I were standing outside of a restaurant in the city. Morgan Freeman and I walked in and we had this plan to stick with as part of our secret spy mission, except it was a total set up. The bad guys started shooting at us, but as we were caught off guard we didn't have anything to defend ourselves, so we hid under tables and the bad guys left. And I looked over at Morgan Freeman and he was bleeding because a chunk of his ear got shot off, and I was like, "Dude! Your ear got shot off!" and he was like, "Oh don't worry about it, I'm fine" in his totally soothing Morgan Freeman voice. Unconvinced, I called 911 (but I was frustrated because I forgot that on cellphones, apparently, I had to dial 9 first to get out), and then I didn't know we were to get the ambulances to come to, and Morgan Freeman was just calmly giving me directions to give to the 911 operator and kept trying to butt in to tell the lady that he was fine, it was just a flesh wound. But before the ambulances even had a chance to come, we had to get our patooties out of there because the bad guys were back. And, oh my gosh, epic of all epic parts... a SCHOOL BUS showed up driven by BRADLEY COOPER and MATTHEW MCCONNAUGHEY as our getaway car. And this school bus was seriously badass... like, it had flames coming out of it and could go 0 to 60 in 95. So this engine is revving and waiting for us outside of the restaurant, and I can hear Bradley Cooper whoopin it up (I think he even had war paint painted on that gorgeous body of his), and then Mr. T and Darkwing Duck come out and tell us to hurry up. And then I woke up.

Please don't tell me that was not the most epic dream you have ever heard of. I can only explain it as a birthday present just for me, from God. You can't make this up.

Anyway. I need to go cash some checks and go to Kohls to get some more workout clothes. Wooohooooo. Adios. :o)

Ouch.

I wrote this for my Weight Watchers blog... but then I decided to copy and paste it here, because I know the people who read this actually care about me, and I feel really bummed out right now and could use a friend who cares about me. :o)

*

Wednesday evening, I went out on a date with a friend... we'll call him Charlie. I met Charlie three years ago on a church retreat, and we started to really get close this past year. I really, really like Charlie. A lot. He is everything on my checklist. I feel so comfortable talking to him and being with him. This past semester especially we have really gotten super close. Like, we'd text each other every single day and talk on the phone at least once a week, which is pretty good considering I went to school 400 miles away. I was so excited because I just knew that this could turn into something really special. And Charlie and I talked about everything... religion to politics to embarrassing moments to secrets no one else knows. In hindsight, I think I should have done a better job at not getting so emotionally involved... but I was just so excited, you know?

Anyway. The date, in my opinion, went really well. I really enjoyed myself. It felt so comfortable... there was no awkward getting-to-know-you questions because we already knew that about each other. My face hurt at the end because of how much smiling I did. I warned him in advance that I wasn't ready for anything physical, and he was very respectful of that boundary. He didn't lay a hand on me except for a knee pat here and there and a kiss on the cheek at the end of the evening. Charlie and I have gone out a couple times before... but Wednesday was our first official date.

So I thought things went really well, but this morning Charlie called me and said, "So, Sara, I had a lot of fun on Wednesday, but I don't think there will be a second date. I felt like I was going out with my best friend and I didn't feel enough of a spark to want to risk our friendship. I think maybe we were just too far into the friend zone to make that transition into a relationship as easy as I would have liked." I was crushed. I didn't tell him that I actually really did enjoy our date and really did feel like there was something there... because apparently I'm an idiot. I should have seen it coming. And I wonder if maybe he would have felt that necessary spark if I had grabbed his hand or something... made some kind of physical move on him. I cried a whole lot today. I've just been so disappointed all year with my lack of weight loss, my lack of a job, and my lack of friends at home to hang out with... it just seems like nothing good ever happens for me.

But even though I'm still feeling rather broken up over the whole thing... when tempted to binge eat to feel better, I told myself out loud that eating junk food was not going to take the problem away, and that eating something healthy and going for a bike ride would at least give me something good, even if it wouldn't make the problem go away either. I'm really proud of myself for being able to have that moment of clarity. Granted tonight, when night came and I'm usually most vulnerable, I was not strong enough to say no to a pantry-raid... but the fact that I did once still gives me hope. I only binged once today, when I could have binged all day. Things are looking up.

Rejection majorly sucks. I don't know how to make this sick feeling go away. Charlie still wants to be friends (and I want that too... but I'm mad at him right now--how can he only give me one date to determine how much of a spark there is? I mean good God, give me a chance. I'm not going to instantly jump down your pants and whisper sweet nothings into your ear on the first date just because we started out as such good friends. God. And the fact that he just led me on the entire date or you know, the 6 or 7 months prior in all those text messages/phone calls/outings-in-the-city-when-I-was-home-on-break-and-he-paid-for-me-and-everything). He is having a housewarming party for himself and our friends from the retreat we work on in a couple weeks. I want to go, because I got a stinking cute bathing suit for the very occasion, sure to make him sweat a little. But at the same time... I don't know if I should. How do you get through this amount of suckitude in one piece? Hm.

I feel like death that was meant to be hot but just sat out for too long and is now cold and nasty.

Genius.

In a moment of weakness where I let my most recent heartbreak take control of me, I did a google search for, "How to find a husband." And this is what I found. Please check it out. Clearly, God knows what I need.
http://mailorderhusbands.net/order/

Going to the movies alone.

I have an itch to go see a movie. But all my friends are busy or unresponsive to my text messages. I really want to see the A-Team. I haven't seen a movie in the theater in forever. I should just go by myself, right?

Can you believe that I've been sitting here for the past hour debating in my head whether or not to go? I just don't know. Is it worth it for me to fork over $9 on a Saturday night to go see a movie alone? Wouldn't that just confirm my notions that I'm a big loser who can't even find girl friends to go see a movie with? What's wrong with me? Why is this such a difficult decision for me to make?

I think I see the movie theater as something that should be a social activity, even if you aren't being social while you are watching the movie. It's an experience meant to be shared. I pay $9 for that experience to share with my friends. Would it be as worth it to pay $9 for an experience to share with myself?

...Am I worth $9?

It's now too late to catch the movie that I wanted to see. I should have just gone. But I don't know. I don't think I'm worth spending $9 on. Is that more pathetic than going to see the movie alone?

I should just get some wine.

*EDIT!*

Tonight I decided to have a couple glasses of wine. And I was feeling pretty relaaaaaxed, (I'm TOTES a lightweight apparently) and then I went in the pantry and found where my parents hid all their liquor. And you know, I started feeling bad that I never did anything rebellious as a teenager, so I sneaked out some vodka and made myself a screwdriver. It was a pretty weak screwdriver because I felt bad about taking the vodka without permission, but it felt good doing something that my parents have no idea I did. Even if I am almost 22. I need to make friends.

*end edit*

what to do... what.. to... do...

When you graduated college, were you positive of what you wanted to do after? At least have any ideas?

I feel like I'm just floating. I don't know what to do with my life. I feel like I should have this figured out by now. I liked theology in college but I don't think I really loved it, but then again, maybe I just didn't love the school part. Maybe there were just too many other factors involved for me to really enjoy the college experience, academics and all. I love learning and all... I don't love the part of juggling 50-page reading assignments for four different classes every day. I hated tests, and enjoyed papers, even if they were last-minute papers. I did not do well writing (and researching... whoops) papers the day before they were due, but I was fine given a week or two. I have always really loved my writing classes, and I loved reading what my peers had to write and helping them edit, and reading in general (as long as it was something I enjoyed... obviously. ha). I always got into a "zone" with that stuff.

Maybe I just feel like I'm floating because I didn't take any opportunities to experience something outside of my comfort zone in college. I went straight for campus ministry... which is all fine and well and everything... but it was safe. I always took the safe route, you know? I never made bad decisions. I was never an idiot in college. I wish I got more involved. I wish I kept up with music. I wish I was more involved with the Record, or with Pseudonym. I wish I joined art club... I'm actually a pretty good drawer and I always enjoyed working with clay. I always wanted to go to a PRISM meeting, believe it or not, but I never did, because I was too afraid of the possible "moral consequences" of looking outside of the box a little. Heck I was afraid to go to a bar, even after I turned 21, because of the possible "moral consequences." I did branch out and get that job driving the Link... which I think was one of the best decisions I made in college.

So what do I do? Is grad school a good option... a good way to get those experiences that I feel I missed out on? Is grad school a good option right NOW... when I only (probably... pending my driving abstract from Minnesota) have a part time bus driving job, and no other income, and lots of other loans to pay off already?

But what if I don't do grad school? I'll stay floating. I'll stay at home and earning money driving bus but probably won't be able to get another job because my availability will be so sporadic... I'd only be available 9 to 2ish and evening hours. It's worth a shot,and I might be able to find something, it's true. But hm. I almost feel like I will be missing something. I feel like I'm already missing something.

But what if I do? WHAT IF I DO!!! What if I go. What if I can finagle a way to do grad school. What if I really like it. What if.

And what if I hate it? What if I add it to my list of things that I regret? At least I'll have tried? Will I fall over the edge of a cliff? I might.

I have a hard time making decisions. I don't know what to do. But I'm not satisfied where I am right now... just... floating.

Birthday Wish.

I have not been feeling like myself lately. Usually long road trips bring me a lot of joy.
So I've decided that for my birthday this year, I am asking for a road trip somewhere. With someone(s). I'm not entirely sure where I want to wind up... I'm thinking a beach with an ocean (rather than a lake... sorry, Lake Michigan). But at the same time, I would also like my road trip to include a trip up to the arctic north, because some super weird part of me is actually missing Minnesota.

I've always wanted to go to California... but I do really like the beaches I've been to on the east coast... so... would I go for the tried and true, or an adventure? Going to California would probably give me some wiggle room to make a stop in Minnesota.

These are all just schemes, of course. I have no set plan. I have no money, either. That's why it would be a birthday present. That is what I really want. A girl can dream. :o)

Experiment. Muahaha

So you know what I've been thinking? I've been thinking that I have a ton of time this summer and nothing to do besides lay around and watch MTV True Life (which was basically my entire afternoon today). I need to find something productive to do with my life... something to keep me intellectually stimulated... something to push me outside of my comfort zone... something to give me some good experiences to beef up my resume. I was thinking about doing a project in which I spend the summer church hopping. I want to research and explore all types of faiths, and write about my experiences. I want to hit up my local library, learn about various religions, and visit their respective places of worship. I think it would be a real hootenanny.

I mean think of it. I would like to work with youth and young adults in a parish or campus setting. How the heck am I going to answer questions and give useful insight on perplexing religious issues if all I have is knowledge on our Judeo-Christian heritage? I mean, I know that knowledge is extremely necessary working in a preferably Catholic institution... however, not all youth and young adult are gung-ho about being Catholic. Maybe they *are* exploring other faiths. Maybe they *should* have a positive journey exploring these other faiths. Maybe I should open up my mind a little more. I do believe that it's important to get to know our neighbors. We don't have to agree with them, but we should be in conversation with them. I mean shoot. Jesus didn't just go around and say, "Hey. You're a Jew, right?" That didn't ever seem to be a prerequisite. Hot dog, Jesus just kind of went around and said, "Hey you, tax collector... yeah, let's be friends. No really. Friends. Like come to my house for dinner tonight. Mom's making a mean chicken broccoli casserole. What? You've never had a casserole before? Holy cow. Come over now. See the light." Okay he probably didn't say that exactly but you get the picture, right? I mean, Jesus even talked to the Gentiles. There's even a huge chunk of time where we have no freakin clue what the heck Jesus was doin with his big bad teenage self. Maybe Christopher Moore is onto something in his book "Lamb" when he suggested Jesus was going around learning other religious practices. Or maybe not. I mean you figure the guy is God and should know it all anyway. But I digress.

I do not know it all. I do know that Jesus has this unbelievable (but you better believe it!!!) message of love. He loves us too much to suggest we stay in the same state in which we met him... but he loves us enough to leave that option of change up to us. Jesus obviously got past social norms and loved everyone regardless of who they were or what their social status was. So why can't this love translate over modern boundaries? Why is it that I've been baptized and confirmed Catholic, but I've never been to a synagogue? Why not go to a Muslim mosque? Same God, right? Why not even go be a baptist or pentecostal for a day, and explore non-Catholic theologies? Why not go completely off the beaten path and go to some Hindu temple and observe without necessarily compromising my own beliefs by engaging in worship? Wouldn't that be fun? I mean, I don't want to convert, I don't want to evangelize my own faith. I just want to learn and open up my mind a little more. I want to build positive connections between other religious faiths and not be so ignorant. I want to relate to people better.

So I was thinking... maybe I'll research various places of worship in the general Chicagoland area. Maybe I'll go to some services. Maybe I'll check out my local library. Maybe I'll blog about it. What do you think? Would that be interesting to read? Do you have any comments or suggestions?

a little off target...

So my interview at Target was a major fail. There were multiple factors involved in my epic failure:
1) I did *not* want the job I was applying for whatsoever. I showed up and they said, "We will be interviewing you for the 5-9am shift unloading trucks." I should have left right then.
2) I was ticked that they took 45 minutes of my life away filling out a paper version of the online personality survey I already filled out upon sending in my application. The only thing different, I kid you not, were the 2 pages of graphs questions at the end. The other 8 pages were the exact.fricking.same.thing.
3) I was nervous. Really nervous. I could only come up with bus stories.
4) I flat out lied on a couple questions.

I know the interview didn't go well because the majority of my comments went under a "low strengths" section. Furthermore, the guy before me who was applying for the exact same job was hired on the spot, whereas I was told that an ambiguous someone would be contacting me in the next couple weeks with a decision.

I know that I could have done better. For starters, I need an attitude change. I need to get my head out of my butt and just take whatever God decides to send me... whether it's Target or somewhere else. I *know* it's not fair that I spent money I don't have to study my ass off for 4 years at a private Catholic institution of higher learning 400 miles away from home and endured many spiritual and emotional issues in between, in order to earn a piece of paper that tells me I'm qualified for more than unloading boxes from a truck at Target, only to be applying to Target to unload boxes from a truck... but it was something. An opportunity. I do take full responsibility in the mess I made of the opportunity because of my cocky attitude. I cannot have everything I want immediately. I might need to work on it. Touche, God.

But in my defense, it was my first *real* job interview. I really *was* nervous. I really had no idea what to talk about, and I really did get intimidated by my frequent awkward silences. But I am grateful for the experience, because now that I have had this bad one, I know that I can only get better... so one day, when I am interviewing for my dream job, I won't screw it up again.

After my interview at Target, I decided to go cash a "paycheck" from my "job" at Holy Family (I put those in quotation marks because I don't consider it anything more than a way for me to get out of the house once in awhile... I earn well under minimum wage at that job and am scheduled for 2 shifts in the entire month of June), and after realizing I was overdrawn on my checking account somehow and only had a small amount in there, meaning that I couldn't go shopping for fun undies like I had originally wanted... I had a breakdown. It was really bad. I sat in the parking lot and couldn't stop crying. Awful doesn't even begin to describe it. I felt literally at the bottom of my rope. I have no job yet, no money in my checking or savings account, I haven't heard from my roommates since I left and felt like they just forgot about me even though I've been texting them at least once a week just to say hi... I felt like a complete failure. I started to panic about paying back my loans if I only had that small amount in my checking account with no steady income. I seriously felt like the sky was falling. I could have puked. It was so terrible. I yelled at God. I threatened God. And then somehow, out of nowhere, I just felt this incredible surge of strength. I realized that I had a choice... I could either sit around in the car and cry and possibly puke, or I could take advantage of the fact that I had the car for the day and go around and pick up applications and keep trying. It was this amazing "fight-or-flight" response and I realized that I am completely capable of overcoming obstacles. I'm so stressed out right now... so much more stressed out than I have ever been trying to meet deadlines for school... but I'm getting my strength to keep going and not throw myself in front of a bus somehow.

So I started the car again, went to Lens Crafters to get my glasses adjusted (they were totally crooked on my face... which I'm sure made a great impression on the folks at Target... haha), and then I just followed my gut and went to Barnes and Noble. I have been wanted to go all week, but I actually did today, only to learn that they were secretly looking for a couple new employees, so I said, "Hi. I'm Sara. I LOVE books a LOT. Can I have a job?" and filled out an application. I think I also talked to a manager at one point, too, upon handing in my completed application, because he was dressed sharp like a manager should, and he took an interest in my application and started asking me questions about it and about myself, and I was friendly and myself and said that while I have no real experience with retail, I love books, and I love helping people, and that should show some kind of potential, right? Furthermore, Barnes and Noble is a great place for me to work as a graduate student of writing and publishing. JUST HIRE ME ALREADY. I love Barnes and Noble a heck of a lot more than Target (though Target is really sweet-o-matic, don't get me wrong... I just seriously love books. My senior year of high school I took my Valentine's Day date to Barnes and Noble with me after dinner to look at books and smell them for awhile and the poor guy actually did. it was great. so romantic. but I digress).

So anyway. That's how my Target interview went. Not quite a bulls-eye, but still not entirely awful either.

Sugar Daddys

You know... I could just have one. A sugar daddy. An outrageously wealthy man who will pay off my loans for me in return for you know. "Love." Why not. This could make an interesting short story. If I wasn't so darn independent and desiring of true love with my intimate marital encounters, I could very well sign up for a site such as sugardaddies.com and find myself a handsome bag of money to date. I always knew there was something behind the whole "Bennies marrying Johnnies" scam...

This is desperation at its finest. I have a job interview at Target tomorrow. I really do not want to work at Target, but I need the money, so please pray that I at least get seasonal work, or get an interview for a better job asap.

Ga-ga for Gaga.

I think Lady Gaga is one of those people I would love to sit and have dinner with. I'd even cook it for her. I used to really be put off by her, but you know what, I have seen the light. At first I hated her music. Then I started to tap my feet a little. Then I started to sing her songs in the car. And then I started watching her interviews with Barbara Walters, and now with Larry King, and you know what? I really love her. I think she's fantastic... just as a person in general... at least from what I know of her through her interviews. She comes across as one of the most sincere, intelligent and genuinely talented performers I have seen in a long time. I would love to sit and have coffee with her. Or cook her a meatloaf... because I think that's one of the only food items I can make well.

That's all.

"Be Sara"

I just finished reading "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. One of her keys to happiness involves "Being Gretchen." She explains this by saying that she should stay true to what has made her happy and what continues to make her happy, even if it seems silly to other people. She loved scrapbooking and reading children's literature... and when she could do those things, even if they seemed like a waste of time for other people, she discovered a happier version of herself. And so it got me thinking... what would it mean to "Be Sara?" What has made me happy and continues to make me happy? What are some themes of play that have carried over into my adult life?

I immediately thought of writing, for one. I've kept a diary since I was at least in 2nd grade. I loved writing everything down. As I grew older, I recognized the importance of keeping diaries, not only for my own memory's sake, but for the sake of my future children, who will one day be teenagers who point their fingers at me and say that I just don't understand. I could whip out one of those bad boys and say, "Why yes, little one, I do indeed understand... Exhibit A." Writing was always my main means of expressing myself. I didn't have many real-life friends as a kid (which was fine--I was content playing by myself for the most part, and the friends I did have I really loved), but I had a ton of pen pals. One pen pal per state, minimum. And then I had a handful of pals from countries I had never heard of, such as Latvia or Ghana. I loved and love to write letters. Sending and receiving mail always brought me an insane amount of joy. Writing letters has always been one of those things that I gave up on as I got older because I let other things take a higher priority... such as doing homework and volunteering. When i was younger, I also had an "Expage" website (called "Sara's Giggle Page") which I updated regularly with the happenings of my life and everything else I deemed important (I'm pretty sure it could be equivalent to my first web blog). I even have a little notebook with different HTML codes so I could do cool things with my webpage... like making the background flash different colors when the mouse hovered over a link, or having that cool text that followed the mouse around the screen.

I also loved to read. I used to challenge myself to read a book a day. I was often successful.I distinctly remember a story about a kid who renamed a pen to be called a "frindle." Reading like that has taken the backseat to reading for school... which often left me so exhausted I didn't even want to read for myself anymore.

I volunteered a lot. I loved volunteering at PADS sites for the homeless. I think that was my favorite place to volunteer. I also spent a lot of time in youth ministry. I did everything. I think I even got a little cocky when it came to my faith, too. I became a bible-thumper at one point. I never liked my bible-thumper tendencies... but especially near the end of high school, the friends I had made were fairly bible-thumpery (not necessarily in a bad way) so it makes sense.

I had my whole wedding planned out when I was younger, too, though I was always up in arms about what my dress would be like. On one hand, I wanted the pouffy dress... but on the other, I wanted a 40's theme wedding, where all the men would be in suits with tails and canes and tophats and the ladies would wear some kind of vintage-y dress too, and I would have a live band to play jazz music, which meant that when it came down to my dress, it probably wouldn't fit to have a big pouffy one. I know that I wanted to get married and have at least two children.

I always loved driving around. I really do miss my 1990 Ford Thunderbird Supercoupe... even if it did take only premium gasoline and was breaking down and I couldn't afford it.

I also loved going to the pool... at least up until the point where I realized my body looked different than everyone else.

Maybe I should get back to these old habits. Maybe I should get a pen pal or 50. Maybe if I got back in touch with who I was, then I can figure out who the heck I am called to be.

Be Sara. How can you "Be (Your Name)"?

Is this company for real?

Okay. So. After once again reaching a point of being ready to give up in my job search after making phone calls and being denied interviews (even from District 15 for bus driving... what. the. heck), I hopped on monster.com and found this little beauty of an ad. Please tell me they're real.

Customer Service Representative

About the Job

We are looking for a highly motivated and organized customer service representative that can handle a heavy volume of emails and phone calls.​

A majority of your day will consist of answering emails and phone calls.​ Other miscellaneous office-type duties will range anywhere from sending faxes and mailing letters to packing an order, troubleshooting computer issues and entering lists of data into spreadsheets.​

Who We Are:
We are a small family-owned company with a team of 15 other "rock star" team members looking for the perfect customer service representative.​ We offer a fun and flexible team-oriented environment where hard work and contributions do not go unnoticed.​

Office dress code is casual.​ Hours are flexible although phone lines are open 9 to 4 so at least one CSR needs to be in at 9 each day.​ Everyone is treated like a professional; we don't have a lot of rules.​ We offer a happy, relaxed, clean, fun and comfortable place to work and we've never had anyone quit.​ Everyone in our office knows each other and we are all one big, happy (mostly!) family.​ There will be an occasional late night or weekend that you will be required to work to finish a project.​ We typically work 8am to 5pm on weekdays and no weekends.​ We are more than happy to work around a student's class schedule or other circumstances.​ All major holidays are considered paid time-off.​ The period in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is a busy time of year for us and it is likely that you would be required to work 60 hours a week for a maximum of 4 weeks during that period.​ We do pay overtime over 40 hours.​

Our business is in the craft, hobby, and design industry, so if you love watching Martha Stewart, you will probably love this job (although you have to love customer service too since that would be your primary role).​

Required Qualifications:
Must have a minimum of 2 years experience with customer service, Microsoft Outlook and Microsoft Excel.​ Fast and accurate typing is a must.​ Candidates must be able to write professional emails and deal with a variety of customer issues in a professional manner.​ Computer skills are required.​ Must be familiar with Microsoft Word.​ Must be highly organized, focused, flexible, a self-starter and a team player.​ Must be able to produce quality work efficiently and under time constraints.​ Advanced computer skills desired.​ If you regularly use the "F1" key on the keyboard (help) or search for answers to your computer issues on your own using Google, you are the employee of our dreams! Do you use key combinations like "Alt" +​ "Tab"?​ Even better! Do you research advanced Excel techniques to make tedious tasks go more quickly?​ If so and you meet our qualifications, then please please please apply!

How to get your resume read:
Each time we post a help wanted ad, we receive hundreds of resumes and cover letters to sort through and it is often impossible to go through each of these, let alone interview each of you.​ If you've read this job ad and it sounds interesting and you really want to be noticed, put the formality aside and please please please DO NOT send us boring cover letters that you copied from a book or the internet telling us how "intriguing" our company sounds and how you are a "hard worker and detail-oriented".​ This means very little to us as every other cover letter we receive also states those exact same traits.​

Instead send us an e-mail and try to sound human. ​ Remember! Formality aside; we won't fault you for it.​ Tell us how you've used Outlook for 5 years, you love learning how to use new applications, but you've been out of the workforce for 3 years and you're ready to jump back in and wanting to learn again.​ Or tell us that you've always been the top performer, you love paperwork, you can't seem to find a job you love, and that's why you're applying for this one.​ Tell us something that makes you STAND OUT!!! If you really want this job, sending us a resume and e-mail that stands out illustrates that point for us.​

What we're looking for:
We only hire rock stars; others need not apply.​ And when we say "rock stars" we mean candidates that are hard-working, loyal, highly intelligent, love to change/​improve business processes, fix problems once and for all, know how to contribute to the team, have a positive attitude, bring ideas with them to meetings, and care about our company like it is their own.​ And, last but not least, rock stars are star performers who are self-motivated.​ We don't have a lot of middle management in our company because we don't need any.​ Team members know what their jobs entail and work hard.​

If you're previous boss had nothing but good things to say about you, you're probably a rock star.​ If you were always rated the top performed on your team, you're probably a rock star.​ If everyone always came to you to help with their work-related issues (that weren't even related to your job), you're probably a rock star.​

So, if you're a rock star, be ready to tell us how and why and this position is yours!

And if you think you're a rock star, you probably are, so don't be scared away by our ad.​

*

My guess is that their family business involves not only selling the acid, but testing it. I'm pretty sure that this is my dream job, as I am indeed a rock star. Oh, job search, how I hate you, and yet, how I love you.

and the birds sing doot doot doot!!!

Today I started to feel really down on myself when my friend texted me to say that our plans to go downtown to a swanky piano bar were canceled. One of her friends was going to have a party there, which meant the otherwise crazy cover charge would be dropped... which would make the experience even better. Anyway I guess this friend called her and said he was canceling and rescheduling because not enough of his friends could come for it to be considered a party, so we are no longer going. And I was legitimately disappointed... I was really looking forward to it. It sounded like a ton of fun, and I was ready to finally go out to a bar and excited that I was even invited somewhere to begin with. So I was bummed to have our plans canceled. And then my thoughts just kind of spiraled out of control. It's not fair that when I make plans, things don't ever seem to turn out the way I want them to. It's not fair that I keep getting disappointed like this. It's not fair that I haven't found a job yet. It's not fair that I can't afford to move out. It's not fair that I can't afford my own car. It's not fair that I'm ready to do something with my life, but it seems like a black cloud just keeps following me around and making it impossible for any of my dreams to come true. It's just not fair. Maybe that's a bit drama-queeney... but I'm really hard on myself sometimes. I feel like I should have had this all taken care of by now. It seems like all of my other friends who graduated have been able to find a job, or at least get to the interviewing stage. Why not me? What did I ever do wrong?

Anyway. I was really beating myself up over it and felt genuinely saddened over all of this stuff, when ke$ha popped up on the radio, and I realized, you know what? At least when I wake up in the morning, I do not feel like p.diddy, and I do not have an alcohol problem which makes me desire to brush my teeth with a bottle of jack, and I find men who don't look like Mick Jagger attractive. I've got a lot going for me. And then I started to laugh.

I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a family who understands and supports me, even if they get on my nerves. I have friends who invite me out and want to keep in touch with me. I have great connections through church that will hopefully help me find a job somewhere if I just stick with it. I am determined, I am smart, I have a degree, and I have plans for a future degree. I am capable of a job which would put my gifts and talents to use and make a difference in the world, rather than settling for a job pushing carts at the grocery store. I am alive and in good health. I have food on my plate and a roof over my head. And I have a God who loves me still no matter how much I stick my tongue out at him/her and piss and moan about how my life sucks because my Mom made me make my bed this morning.

So in the end, I feel better, thanks to ke$ha. What are you thankful for?

Xanga

When you get a chance, you should really check out: http://www.xanga.com/lilfish007. Yep. Xanga. The first blog I ever kept. It dates all the way back to 2004. And it's heavily written in. You could pick any month, any day, any year (but not prior to June/July of 2004) and read it. In fact, I encourage it. And then let me know where that girl went. I want to find her again.

You know, I think what I liked so much about my xanga was that I wrote in it all the time. Even when I had nothing to say. Exhibit A:

Sunday, May 20, 2007

I don't really have anything of substance to report besides the fact that it is currently 4:29 AM and I'm still online. In fact, I can hear the birds chirping outside right now. I'm pretty tired... but I'm not quite ready to go to sleep yet, either. It's a crazy life I lead indeed. Do I have anything important to say? ... Sometimes silence is good. Sometimes, silence is good. Sometimes. Silence. Good. Silence is good... sometimes. Silence is good sometimes. SILENCE IS GOOD SOMETIMES!!!! Sometimes silence is good? Sometimes silence is good?! SOMETIMES silence is good? Sometimes SILENCE is good? Sometimes silence is GOOD? Silence. It's good sometimes. Sometimes there just aren't any words. Sometimes... it's just... silence.

If that's not poetry, I don't noetry! (badum)

I'll even take my Xanga-lock off for you if you comment and say that you don't have a Xanga and can't read it. I put it on there to control who reads it. But you know, there's some good stuff in there.

Do you ever feel like college has just completely changed you in a bad way? I mean don't get me wrong, I think college has changed me in many good ways. I can think more critically, for example, and better analyze situations and (siderant: Mom just walked in, took a look at my half unpacked things and said, "Well, looks like you did a lot here" [please note the sarcasm]. She then asked me what I had to do today, and when I said, "I don't know, maybe take a walk" she said, "Well I have to do this and this and this and this and this. As you can see, my day is full," just rubbing it in, saying one thing and saying "get off your ass and do something" in mom-language. I hate when she does that. I hate it. I hate how ever since I came home on Sunday I feel unwelcome. But there's nothing I can do about it. I've BEEN applying for jobs. I don't HAVE anything to do or anywhere to go. I just graduated. There's nothing for me. I love when I can come home and feel welcome here and like an adult... but honestly. I'm tired of this already. I just want to move out. But I CAN'T because I don't have a JOB yet. I'm a wee bit frustrated) think theologically? But I think that I've shrunk in a lot of places, instead of grown. I'm more afraid now, I don't get out as often (seriously--almost every single weekend my sophomore and senior years... maybe not as bad junior year... were spent alone baking, or watching TLC), I'm a lot more selfish. I don't embrace life with the same kind of fervor that I once did. When I graduated, I took pictures with the people that I wanted to, and I got out of there. I didn't even care. I mean, I was proud of myself for graduating, but I could care less about actually coming back. I miss maybe one-two friends, and I definitely miss bus driving, but other than that.. honestly... I don't feel like I did anything. I feel like I just let life happen those past four years. I don't have any significant accomplishments. I did not cry at my graduation. I did not cry upon leaving. I said goodbye to who I wanted and left. Like I only spent a weekend there.

And I hate that. I hate being so apathetic. I feel like I got lost somewhere and refused to ask for directions because I'm rather stubborn sometimes and occasionally too prideful in myself. I feel like I'm in this space where yesterday was high school and tomorrow is being a real adult and there was this foggy thing that also happened somewhere but now that it's gone it's just gone... because i never really connected home and school all that well anyway. It's a weird limbo-land. I want to be home but I'm sick of my parents and I want to grow up but I have zero confidence in myself or my abilities. It's really discouraging to have applied for all these jobs only to hear from no one, unless it was a rejection letter. What if I can't find a job? What if my 6 months come up and I still have no money and now I have to pay back my loans? Oh boy. I can't breathe anymore so I think I'm going to go try to do that. Sorry this got real icky. You should just read my xanga.

Fresh Starts

I have this strange affinity for starting over. I'm stuck in a perpetual rut where I'm constantly dissatisfied with what I have, so I want something new. But then I can't get over that initial hurdle of the blank slate, even though that's what I thought I wanted. The blank slate is intimidating. I know I wanted it, but I don't know why, or what to do with it.

For instance, I just graduated college and I am filling out job applications. I have this vague dream in my head that I would like to be a writer one day, but I have no idea what I would write or how I would go about accomplishing it. I don't even know what the end result would be from me being a writer... perhaps I would write articles for a magazine, or write a novel or two or twenty. But then the little voice in my head keeps telling me that I'm not good enough, that I don't have anything interesting to say, and even if I did, I certainly don't have the talent to keep an audience interested. I would like to eventually be able to shove this little voice down the proverbial toilet, and I think to do this I need to practice, practice, practice. And read more. I think the key to good writing is good reading.

So. As I was writing this post, I decided to create yet another blog in the hopes that by making it less specific but still more professional-ish... so maybe one day I can be that big bad writer I've always dreamed of being.

I'll obviously keep this one for the two stalkers that I have (you KNOW who you are!). You'll still get all those juicy details that no one else cares about. It'll be fun. You'll see. But keep your eyes peeled for the day I am brave enough to tell you what that other blog is. It'll be a big deal if I even stick to it... because lets face it, I just start things, I don't actually see it through to its completion.

Even now, I have a hard time ending things. And this is my ending. Case in point.