this year is the year!

Today I went to the mall to get my glasses adjusted, and in order to get to Lens Crafters I had to walk through Target (because you know, Target is an anchor to the mall in St. Cloud... I still don't understand that). I noticed the swimsuit section... and so I drifted into it and started looking around. I haven't been doing "well" with Weight Watchers since about November (as in--I haven't lost any weight... but I'm still doing good with working out which is still good for me) and I am nowhere near the goal I had set for myself (basically I had wanted to get down to my goal weight by graduation... which is obviously not going to happen, as I have a good 50 pounds left to go... still). I'm kind of bummed by my lack of progress... but I know that I just have to keep going and keep trying because it's eventually got to budge. Anyway, I haven't gone swimsuit shopping in... years. I've had the same swimsuit since 4th or 5th grade. It's very stretched out now, but doesn't quite cover the parts of me that have changed and developed over the years, if you know what I mean. Fourth/fifth grade me was quite different... even though I was always a little pudgy. Anyway. On a whim... I tried on some swimsuits. And you know what the beautiful part was? I didn't hate it. I actually *liked* how I looked. Even despite the fact that I am still a good 50 pounds away from goal. I looked at myself and saw the reflection of a young woman who has worked really hard to get to where she is today... emotionally, spiritually, physically. I learned I look real good in teal/aqua. I learned I look amazing in the halter styles because I actually have back muscles now that you can kind of see. I mean, dang. I work out. Even 50 pounds away from goal... I'm still proud of how I look. I was a little uncomfortable with how short the swimskirt thing was... because I haven't ever worn anything that short... but the issue was more with the shortness of the skirt than with how my legs looked in it.

I didn't walk away with a new swimsuit mainly because I couldn't find a supportive enough one. But the experience wasn't entirely terrible. I think this summer might actually be the summer that I purchase a cute suit to wear out in public. This is a huge deal. I'm excited. :o)

Are you ready?

Today I woke up at 12:50 PM from the most epic sleep I have ever experienced in my life. Last night I went to bed around 3:15 AM, and I should have been up around 10:30/11 just on my own, but I slept until 12:50 and had this amazing dream. I don't remember every detail of what happened... but some parts were just so vivid. I dreamed that I got on a train to go home from school, and I was so happy. I was in this apartment in the city with huge floor-to-ceiling windows which overlooked a beautiful city skyline. I was happy and surrounded by friends and family who loved me. Some things happened that I don't remember, and then I found myself back at the same train station. It was early in the morning and the sky was overcast, and I was rushing because I felt like I was going to be late. I ran up to a conductor and handed her my ticket, and she told me that I had the wrong one. I insisted that this must be the right train for me, but she just told me to wait a minute while she checked. This woman seriously moved at a snails pace as she walked from this outdoor lemonade-stand-type ticket counter to the train. I was panicking at the thought of missing this train, and finally the conductor came back to me and told me that I had the wrong ticket. The numbers she had matched on the train with my ticket, however, and I grew increasingly frustrated because I *knew* I had to be on this train in order to go home, but she wouldn't let me on. I started sobbing as the train slowly pulled away from the station and I was left to wonder how I was going to get home. Eventually I was filled with a sense of peace because I knew the next train would come in 13 hours, and it would be a pain to wait, but I would get home eventually. Then I found myself at church celebrating Mass. It was a very non-traditional Mass... there was no actual priest present, but the table was full of past youth and young adult ministers I have ever spent time with, as well as other family and friends who I loved. An old young adult minister friend of mine stood at the front of the room to talk about the Eucharist. There was a feast set up for us to my right... including freshly baked bread (I remember the steam rising from the cut up slices) and grapes. My young adult minister friend asked, "Are you ready to accept Jesus in this Eucharistic feast?" And then I woke up. It was epic. I haven't a clue what it means, if anything... but I loved waking up with that question.

Am I ready to accept Jesus in this Eucharistic feast? Am I really? It was intense. I'm excited to go to bed now and see what other crazy things I can dream up. The only problem is that I got so much sleep last night that I'm not tired enough for bed right now... which can potentially get real tragic real fast considering the kind of day I have tomorrow. Oy.

The List

When you were in middle school/high school... did you ever make a list of qualities you want your future husband to have? A "grocery list"? Like there was some kind of "Man Store" that I could go to to get one of my own?

Yup. I found my list. And I know it's my high school list because it's long, first of all, and second of all, it has my characteristic capital "R"s in words, even if they aren't at the beginning of a sentence. Who knows why I only capitalized the "R"s.

Anyway. The following is "The List."
*TalleR than me--between 5'9" and 6'8"
*PRefeRably [okay capitalizing the r's is getting old] bigger built than me--I want to be swallowed in a hug.
*Love Jesus.
*Love others because Jesus is in others.
*No fear of spiders, earwigs, or other insects that happen to find their way into our house.
*Strong appreciation for stars and sunsets and other amazing things in our universe.
*Strong appreciation of mystery.
*Desire to help others
*Love children
*Amazing sense of humor
*Laid back, but still serious when he needs to be.
*Reads poetry to me.
*Attractive in the face.
*Sincere
*Deep thinker--must enjoy good conversations at night.
*Must have an appreciation of art and music.
*Playful--needs to be a big dorkwad too.
*Likes to read
*Have a passion for something good.
*Live life reflecting his beliefs.
*Same beliefs, values, goals.
*Compassionate
*Good listener
*Likes jazz.
*Open-minded and confident in himself
*Handles conflict well
*Not moody or overdramatic
*Able to maintain a budget
*Our souls have to connect [oh gag me]
*Good backscratcher/massager
*Good hair--something I can fiddle with without braiding.
*Must like movie nights at home sometimes.
*Must be able to keep eye contact
*Take charge attitude
*Protector
*Doesn't drink too much--occasionally is OK
*Doesn't smoke cigarettes or do drugs
*Patient
*Looks at life from all sorts of different perspectives
*Able to relate things in life to Jesus.
*Balanced
*Good at math
*Must love icecream, mashed potatoes. chocolate-covered things, chocolate in general/give me any of those things whenever I ask.
*Smells good.
*Likes camping [[this really surprises me as I went camping maybe once]]
*Willingness to try new things
*Faithful
*Respectful
*Enjoys quiet
*Sociable
*Brushes and flosses and showers regularly
*Can cook
*Observant
*Affectionate
*Must surprise me sometimes
*Must like to smile and laugh, even if it's for no reason at all.
*Willing to share his life with me.
*Dreamy eyes
*Must have some recessive genes so at least one of our kids will have light hair or eyes like me.
*Slight facial hair. Will grow a beard when he's older than 60.
*Generally optimistic view of life.
*Encouraging
*Will push me on the swings or roll down hills with me.
*Will make amazing snow forts/snowmen and will engage in snowball fights.
*No penny loafers or bad tennis clothing.
*Must kiss me on the cheek and forehead.
*Good heart
*Genuinely cares for others.

Long list, yes? I think I figured the longer I made the list, the more likely I'd find someone with many of these qualities.

Now many of these qualities are very similar to each other, and some of them are downright unnecessary (like the camping one... seriously? I don't even go camping).

But, well. Let's just say that while reading this list, I discovered there was a certain potential thing-thing who fit basically everything... even down to the liking jazz and having an appreciation for art... a potential thing-thing who I actually got to know and can legitimately argue how well he fits the list, rather than just go based off of what I can tell from his facebook profile.

I think I would make high school-me proud. I just wanted to share with you. Because it's interesting. Interesting indeed. :o)

Everything will be just finnneeeee

Just so you know... trying to find a job is one of the most stressful things I have ever done to myself. I have turned into the girl who checks her phone and email every half hour... hoping. Desperate. I-applied-to-work-as-a-receptionist-for-a-dating-service-desperate. I-would-work-30-hours-a-week-at-$10-and-hour-which-is-basically-the-same-amount-I'm-being-paid-now-desperate. And I guess 30 hours a week is better than nothing. It's not 40 hours. It's something. And I'd get a free gym membership out of it. But still. Desperate. I would do anything short of prostitution. Desperate. I have never felt this desperate before.

Everything will turn out as it should... everything will turn out as it should...

solidarity

Tonight I was talking to a friend about the importance of standing in solidarity with the poor. Of course I always knew that it was important, and I learned that standing in solidarity and working for justice issues is a lot more important than simple charity (though don't get me wrong, charity is still important), but it didn't really click "why" until this evening.

You see, last night around midnight I started to develop a super horrible sore throat while driving the bus. It did not get any better even after a cup of tea at the end of my shift, and when I woke up this morning, it literally felt like my throat was on fire, even when I wasn't swallowing or anything. I stayed on the couch all day for the most part, but even so, I felt worse and worse. My nose started to drip a little and my head started to ache and I started to get really tired, and then when I woke up from my first nap, I felt like I got hit by a truck. My muscles were all super achy, I felt really hot, and even my skin hurt. And then my roommate (who is also sick) walked in after a day of studying and I started to complain to her about how I felt, and she said, "I know! Right?" She knew exactly what I felt and she felt it too.

Now my normal approach to sickness is to seek pity from anyone who will give it to me. I like to be babied when I am sick. I like when people say "Poor Sara" and feel my forehead and tell me to drink tea and lay in bed all day. But it was even better when my roommate, upon hearing that I felt like crap, could say, "I know! Right?" Being sick always sucks, but being sick alone sucks even more. Having someone who is on my level and knows how I feel and isn't just offering me pity but also offering me a level of understanding no one else really can at this moment unless they too are sick. She took a hot shower and after getting out told me that I really should take one too, because it really helped her achy muscles too. So I did. And granted we both still feel like crap, but this time around, having someone sick with me is is making me feel less like sitting around on my butt and wallowing in self pity and more like stuffing my sorries in a sack and get better with her.

So that's my schpeel. I'm going to bed. Bye.

Yikessss

I think I just had the worst dream I have ever had, and now I'm too afraid to go back to sleep again, so I'm going to blog about it and hope that helps.

There was no real plot to my dream. I was just trying to fall asleep. I was laying in the exact same position I fell asleep in... except I was in the middle of texting a friend of mine... which seems completely legit because I text him often. He said to give him a call when he got off the bus, so I was like, "OK." And then I just started to shove my fist in my mouse and felt this awful burning-type sensation in my chest. And I was still laying in the same position in my dream as I was in real life. And then the sensation happened again. And I realized it was time to call this friend of mine, and then I kept shoving my hand in my mouth and shaking like I was having a seizure. And I kept trying to get a hold of him but when he picked up I started to talk like I was praying to God, and then I froze up again and sat up straight in my bed gasping for air and trying to scream for my mother except no air was coming out. My throat was closing and no sound was coming out and I couldn't breathe. And then I woke up... still laying down... but I felt like my entire face and body was relaxing and growing really warm and tingly again. Oh my gosh. It was awful. I think the last time I had a nightmare was freshman year. and now I'm way too awake to fall back asleep. I even tried to pray a rosary really quick but I was so shaken that I couldn't get the words together and had to get out of my room... and here I am... sitting in the living room, watching Family Guy. It was super awful. I think it was the worst thing I ever experienced in a dream in my life. I might not be sleeping again. Oh man. Okay. Another episode of Family Guy is on. I'm going to go distract myself now.

I should be able to hear God in this wind somewhere, right?

Today on my way back from class I noticed how loud the wind was blowing past my
ear... producing a kind of "bottle top effect" (you know... when you can blow
across the top of a glass bottle and produce a noise). When I looked away, the
wind was blowing directly into my ear and I couldn't hear it whistling as well
because it wasn't producing that same "bottle top effect." It got me thinking
about how I am so desperate for my life to turn out a particular way, with
particular events, and particular wants fulfilled. I want to get a job, I want
to go to grad school, I want to have my loans paid off, and I want to live on my
own and sustain myself. And it's hard, because I don't have the money for grad
school, and applying for jobs isn't the same as obtaining a job. And I'm
feeling rather lost in the shuffle, because it's hard for me to decipher a test
from God in the form of "not right now," or a flat out "no." And I am very
often throwing my arms up in the air, frustrated, wanting to know what the heck
God is thinking, all the while continuing to do things my own way. Maybe I
could hear God better if I just faced God every once in awhile. Maybe I'm not
hearing because I'm looking away from God and toward my self. Maybe.

Right now I am struggling with accepting the fact that God has my best interests at heart. There's this huge part of me that is always trying to protect myself, even to the point of pushing others away (my reasoning being that they are going to be pushed away anyway, so if I do it myself and I do it as soon as possible, I can control how it happens and how I am affected by it). I am an extremely cautious person and don't take many risks at all, no matter how desperately I want to. I definitely don't want to keep pushing people away, or convincing myself of an inevitable end to something that hasn't started yet. I want to believe that I deserve to be happy, and that part of God's interests for my life involve my happiness. I want to believe that when I told God that my heart was in God's hands... that God knows how surprisingly strongly I felt about something or somethings and that I trusted God to take care of me and protect me from hurt and lead me to happiness... God actually listened. But my brain is starting to take over and rationalize the situation... my brain is starting to try to protect me... come up with excuses... push people away... and that needs to stop right now.

Trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust trust....