For starters... I was able to run a half mile straight yesterday. This is a huge deal for me. It may not seem like much... but just two weeks ago, I barely survived running a full minute straight. This was at least 6 minutes straight And then I pooped out. And I walked for another quarter mile, ran for about an eighth a mile, and then walked the rest. This is epic.
Secondly... I was able to go out in public today in a sleeveless shirt. Again... to most people, this isn't that exciting... but for me... it was a huge step. I haven't worn a tank top in years. YEARS. And now I'm feeling more confident in myself. Confident enough for a tank top at least. I haven't quite reached swimsuit-level confidence yet... but the tank top I can now do.
I'm also a little too excited for school to start. The class part. Not the spending money on books part (I don't think I could ever get excited for that)... but maybe even the homework part. Just a little bit. I'm just tired of work. I'm tired of sitting in front of a computer all day and wasting my life away. I want to engage my brain in something. And I'm feeling super confident... not only because of my physical achievements... but because I'm still on this high after passing metaphysics with a BC. I'm pretty sure I can handle anything academically now. And this makes me even more excited for the school year to start.
Is it lame that I just want the bookstore to post the books we'll need online now? I still have to wait a week for it, I think. But I want to know what books I'll be needing! I just want to look at the covers! I want to know the titles! I want to know if my "Writings of St. Paul" book that I couldn't sell back from Bobertz's Engaging Scriptures class two years ago will be of any use to me next year! Agh! In exactly one month... I'll have finished my first day of classes for my senior year of college. Holy guacamole!!
I've got a feeling about next year, too. Something amazing is going to happen. I'm looking forward to it.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
always love.
In 6th grade, Jamie Carlson, a boy in my class, told me I needed to go on Slim Fast. I promptly told him he needed to shove it, but whether I liked it or not, the comment stuck with me.
Two years later, in 8th grade, I joined Weight Watchers with my mom. I was 175 pounds, and maybe 5'7"ish? (How big are 8th graders, anyway? I know I was a little taller than the average bear, but I digress) My Mom was the one who kept pushing me. She was the one who didn't accept my growing body the most, and we needed to "nip this thing in the bud." That year I lost 30 pounds... bringing me down to a slim 155... which was perfect for my height, really. But I was never content. I hated wearing form-fitting clothes (I was so uncomfortable in this black t-shirt dress from Express because of how it fit my body [looking back at the pictures, however, I looked fantastic, I don't know what I was thinking], and how I didn't want my body to be shown off like that, even 30 pounds lighter). I still thought of myself as that chubby girl that needed to go on Slim Fast. I thought boys all thought I was ugly because I had a healthy amount of meat on my bones, rather than be the stick in the hip huggers like a lot of the more popular girls who had boyfriends.
In high school, I started to gain the weight back. I joined Weight Watchers a second time when I hit 165, and was scared out of my mind that I would get any bigger. I told my mom, "Of course, for health reasons... I want to take care of my body... I want to learn how to eat better." What I meant was, "I don't want to embarrass the heck out of myself when I have to put on my swimsuit in front of my entire sophomore girls gym class." I wasn't as successful the second time around, and quit as fast as I started. I kept looking in the mirror and seeing this person who wasn't me. I kept imagining all of these things wrong with my body... my chin was lookin a little too... "double"... I had a pooch and looked pregnant from the side... my belly kept visibly jiggling through my shirt... my hips were wayyy too big for how small my boobs were... I had this thing about my backpack not being able to cover my butt. Of course, looking back now on pictures of myself... there was pretty much nothing wrong with me at all. But I didn't see it back then.
Life started to happen. I experienced the loss of friends, of a family member. I entered into my first relationship (which I wound up majorly screwing up... chubby chicks don't date... what was I thinking??). I started college. I went through a lot of worrying about the health of family members. I was homesick. I became depressed. I almost transferred schools... but wound up sticking around for reasons I still don't understand. I was at my loneliest. As I got older, I got more tired, and I gained more weight.
While I was getting worse on the inside... on the outside... I got funny. I learned that I'm actually hilarious. I forced myself to be outgoing (how could I not when I was at a school where I didn't know anyone?) and was always the one cracking jokes. I allowed myself to be the funny chubby chick... that made sense. But nothing more.
That leads me up to the present. I'm entering my senior year of college. I started Weight Watchers again in May at a nice 235 on my 5'9" frame (though now, I proudly say that I am a nice 224.8 on my 5'9" frame). I was listening to the song "Always Love" by Nada Surf as I was cooling down in the fitness center tonight... and the thought occurred to me...
Since when are the chubby girls the ones who are the last ones to leave the fitness center?
It's true. It was 7:57, I was the only one in the gym... the gym was closing... the guy who was working the fitness desk actually told me to just take my time and finish up, but he had to go, so if I could just turn my fan off and shut the door behind me, that would be great.
WHAT!
When does this happen? I walked back to my apartment... thinking about how inconceivable this was. Chubby girls don't work out for 50 minutes at the fitness center. They aren't seen in shorts. They usually just sit at home and snack on chips all night, like I used to. And then... the mother of all thoughts occurred to me...
Have I been lying to myself? This whole time? If I am the chubby chick, and I am at a fitness center past close, and the truth I've had for as long as I can remember is that chubby chicks aren't at fitness centers at all, let alone being there past closing time... have I been lying to myself? What else have I been lying to myself about?
So then I started thinking some more... and I realized... a ha! So that's why I failed twice before at Weight Watchers. I've been living a lie! If I'm too fat to work out... if I'm too fat to be happy, to have a positive and healthy relationship... if I don't deserve something because of my size... it's no wonder I keep failing. The truth is that I'M the one who has been holding myself back. I can be happy and I deserve to be happy and I am capable of being in a positive and healthy relationship with another human being no matter what the numbers are on the scale or on the back of my pants.
And that's why I'm taking the time to write this all out for you... because you need to know this. You should write this stuff down.
You are worth it. You deserve happiness. You deserve your dream career. You deserve that fairytale relationship. You deserve to take care of yourself. You are beautiful... no matter what size you are (and seriously... if you equate your beauty with the number on your pants... you're selling yourself way too short... pants are so overrated). Don't hold yourself back from happiness because of whatever you weigh right now. Don't wait to get that cute outfit or new hairdo until after you've reached your dream weight. You deserve it right now!!! Chubby chicks and skinny chicks deserve the exact same thing... and that is to love and be loved.
Two years later, in 8th grade, I joined Weight Watchers with my mom. I was 175 pounds, and maybe 5'7"ish? (How big are 8th graders, anyway? I know I was a little taller than the average bear, but I digress) My Mom was the one who kept pushing me. She was the one who didn't accept my growing body the most, and we needed to "nip this thing in the bud." That year I lost 30 pounds... bringing me down to a slim 155... which was perfect for my height, really. But I was never content. I hated wearing form-fitting clothes (I was so uncomfortable in this black t-shirt dress from Express because of how it fit my body [looking back at the pictures, however, I looked fantastic, I don't know what I was thinking], and how I didn't want my body to be shown off like that, even 30 pounds lighter). I still thought of myself as that chubby girl that needed to go on Slim Fast. I thought boys all thought I was ugly because I had a healthy amount of meat on my bones, rather than be the stick in the hip huggers like a lot of the more popular girls who had boyfriends.
In high school, I started to gain the weight back. I joined Weight Watchers a second time when I hit 165, and was scared out of my mind that I would get any bigger. I told my mom, "Of course, for health reasons... I want to take care of my body... I want to learn how to eat better." What I meant was, "I don't want to embarrass the heck out of myself when I have to put on my swimsuit in front of my entire sophomore girls gym class." I wasn't as successful the second time around, and quit as fast as I started. I kept looking in the mirror and seeing this person who wasn't me. I kept imagining all of these things wrong with my body... my chin was lookin a little too... "double"... I had a pooch and looked pregnant from the side... my belly kept visibly jiggling through my shirt... my hips were wayyy too big for how small my boobs were... I had this thing about my backpack not being able to cover my butt. Of course, looking back now on pictures of myself... there was pretty much nothing wrong with me at all. But I didn't see it back then.
Life started to happen. I experienced the loss of friends, of a family member. I entered into my first relationship (which I wound up majorly screwing up... chubby chicks don't date... what was I thinking??). I started college. I went through a lot of worrying about the health of family members. I was homesick. I became depressed. I almost transferred schools... but wound up sticking around for reasons I still don't understand. I was at my loneliest. As I got older, I got more tired, and I gained more weight.
While I was getting worse on the inside... on the outside... I got funny. I learned that I'm actually hilarious. I forced myself to be outgoing (how could I not when I was at a school where I didn't know anyone?) and was always the one cracking jokes. I allowed myself to be the funny chubby chick... that made sense. But nothing more.
That leads me up to the present. I'm entering my senior year of college. I started Weight Watchers again in May at a nice 235 on my 5'9" frame (though now, I proudly say that I am a nice 224.8 on my 5'9" frame). I was listening to the song "Always Love" by Nada Surf as I was cooling down in the fitness center tonight... and the thought occurred to me...
Since when are the chubby girls the ones who are the last ones to leave the fitness center?
It's true. It was 7:57, I was the only one in the gym... the gym was closing... the guy who was working the fitness desk actually told me to just take my time and finish up, but he had to go, so if I could just turn my fan off and shut the door behind me, that would be great.
WHAT!
When does this happen? I walked back to my apartment... thinking about how inconceivable this was. Chubby girls don't work out for 50 minutes at the fitness center. They aren't seen in shorts. They usually just sit at home and snack on chips all night, like I used to. And then... the mother of all thoughts occurred to me...
Have I been lying to myself? This whole time? If I am the chubby chick, and I am at a fitness center past close, and the truth I've had for as long as I can remember is that chubby chicks aren't at fitness centers at all, let alone being there past closing time... have I been lying to myself? What else have I been lying to myself about?
So then I started thinking some more... and I realized... a ha! So that's why I failed twice before at Weight Watchers. I've been living a lie! If I'm too fat to work out... if I'm too fat to be happy, to have a positive and healthy relationship... if I don't deserve something because of my size... it's no wonder I keep failing. The truth is that I'M the one who has been holding myself back. I can be happy and I deserve to be happy and I am capable of being in a positive and healthy relationship with another human being no matter what the numbers are on the scale or on the back of my pants.
And that's why I'm taking the time to write this all out for you... because you need to know this. You should write this stuff down.
You are worth it. You deserve happiness. You deserve your dream career. You deserve that fairytale relationship. You deserve to take care of yourself. You are beautiful... no matter what size you are (and seriously... if you equate your beauty with the number on your pants... you're selling yourself way too short... pants are so overrated). Don't hold yourself back from happiness because of whatever you weigh right now. Don't wait to get that cute outfit or new hairdo until after you've reached your dream weight. You deserve it right now!!! Chubby chicks and skinny chicks deserve the exact same thing... and that is to love and be loved.
Monday, July 20, 2009
leave the light on
This weekend was really really up... and then really quite down... and I don't know what to say about it other than this:
"My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me,
I cannot know for certain where it will end
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost.
And in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my struggles alone." --Thomas Merton
"My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me,
I cannot know for certain where it will end
nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this,
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost.
And in the shadow of death, I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my struggles alone." --Thomas Merton
Thursday, July 16, 2009
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
It always feels good to be home. I love just being home with my parents and not doing anything in particular. I watched the movie "21" with my dad tonight, and it was awesome. I came home to rice krispie chicken (deliiiicious!). I went to my first Theology on Tap as a 21-year-old, and I still couldn't dig into the alcohol cooler because it still felt wrong... ha ha. Plus, I didn't even get carded at this TOT... and really, all I wanted was the "I'm a 21-year-old and I have been carded" wristband.. regardless of whether or not I got the drink to go with it. But mostly I enjoyed spending time with my parents today. I'm looking forward to just spending as much time in my house as possible over these next few days... just being here.
Today at the airport I got a slice of pizza from the food court before boarding my plane (which was considered breakfast and lunch for me... yikes), and the elderly man serving me my slice told me I had the most beautiful smile. He then gave me a fresh slice of cheese pizza straight from the oven instead of the one that had been sitting on the counter for the past who-knows-how-long, and he even threw in a free sample garlic bread knot thing. It made me smile even more. He was too sweet. He even had an Italian accent to go with the Italian-feel of the pizza place. haha. It was truly wonderful.
Today at the airport I got a slice of pizza from the food court before boarding my plane (which was considered breakfast and lunch for me... yikes), and the elderly man serving me my slice told me I had the most beautiful smile. He then gave me a fresh slice of cheese pizza straight from the oven instead of the one that had been sitting on the counter for the past who-knows-how-long, and he even threw in a free sample garlic bread knot thing. It made me smile even more. He was too sweet. He even had an Italian accent to go with the Italian-feel of the pizza place. haha. It was truly wonderful.
Friday, July 10, 2009
ohhhhh mannnn!!!
I can now fit into my pants on the first try.
I used to sometimes have to try them on first... and then stretch them out a little bit by sitting down Indian-style (Indian-style... haven't said that since... 3rd grade, at *least*) and doing a little dance. Sometimes I would just have to give up and wear a baggy shirt until the end of the day when my jeans would stretch out to perfection.
I can now fit into my pants on the first try. Hollerrrrr.
Really. This is epic. Any pants which would otherwise take three to four days to stretch out to the point of falling out now only take one. In fact... I can actually pull down the purple plaid bermuda shorts that I'm wearing right now without unbuttoning them or unzipping them. Surely this is a milestone of some kind.
I made cinnamon-apple muffins (4 points each) and peanut butter cookies (2 points each) tonight. They are deliiiiicous. And now my apartment smells like heaven.
I'm really looking forward to school starting. I'm super excited for my classes (Astronomy, Paul and His Letters, Family Church and Society, Intro to Pastoral Ministry, and eventually... The Theatrical Experience), and I'm even excited about packing my bag with new school supplies (I was always that nerd that had her bag perfectly packed with fresh pencils and markers before the first day of school in elementary school... heck... all the way up to high school... haha). I am not excited about spending any money on books, or about stressing over hours of homework and studying. But I'm looking forward to spending my day in class, rather than in an office. I'm definitely looking forward to bus driving (but that goes without saying).
Next week I'm going home for a few days (extended mental health day, if you will). I'm stoked. I've got an eye doctor appointment (YAY NEW GLASSES!!!), dentist appointment (YEAH DENTISTS!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!), a possible Theology on Tap or two (YAY FIRST TIME I CAN ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THE TAP AT THEOLOGY ON TAP AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!!!!!), hanging out with my sister and her husband (WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN FOR A FRICKIN YEAR BECAUSE OF CERTAIN SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES AND I'M SOOO EXCITED BECAUSE HE'S WAY AWESOME!!!!!), and QUEST!!!!!!!! I'm not even going to put anything in parenthesis next to QUEST because it's awesome enough to not need an explanation. I used a lot of caps in this paragraph. It's because I'm excited. And words cannot adequately describe the sheer joy I'm beginning to experience at the mere thought of sprawling out on my full-sized bed and not having any limbs fall over the edge. Perfection.
And then, after I get back, I only have... 3 weeks until I get to move into my new apartment. Yay!! I mean... Westkaemper is nice and all... but I've been here for almost an entire year... and it's getting old. A change of scenery is long overdue.
This weekend will hold many exciting experiences... including my first witnessing of a sister making her final vows/getting married to Jesus. It's going to be the wedding of the century, for sure.
PS--I juuust tried one of my apple-cinnamon muffins... and... OH MY GOODNESS. I'm impressed with myself. Glorious. And healthy!!! Yay good decisions!!!
I'm going to take a shower so I can sleep in as late as possible tomorrow. :-) Yay me. And yay you.
I used to sometimes have to try them on first... and then stretch them out a little bit by sitting down Indian-style (Indian-style... haven't said that since... 3rd grade, at *least*) and doing a little dance. Sometimes I would just have to give up and wear a baggy shirt until the end of the day when my jeans would stretch out to perfection.
I can now fit into my pants on the first try. Hollerrrrr.
Really. This is epic. Any pants which would otherwise take three to four days to stretch out to the point of falling out now only take one. In fact... I can actually pull down the purple plaid bermuda shorts that I'm wearing right now without unbuttoning them or unzipping them. Surely this is a milestone of some kind.
I made cinnamon-apple muffins (4 points each) and peanut butter cookies (2 points each) tonight. They are deliiiiicous. And now my apartment smells like heaven.
I'm really looking forward to school starting. I'm super excited for my classes (Astronomy, Paul and His Letters, Family Church and Society, Intro to Pastoral Ministry, and eventually... The Theatrical Experience), and I'm even excited about packing my bag with new school supplies (I was always that nerd that had her bag perfectly packed with fresh pencils and markers before the first day of school in elementary school... heck... all the way up to high school... haha). I am not excited about spending any money on books, or about stressing over hours of homework and studying. But I'm looking forward to spending my day in class, rather than in an office. I'm definitely looking forward to bus driving (but that goes without saying).
Next week I'm going home for a few days (extended mental health day, if you will). I'm stoked. I've got an eye doctor appointment (YAY NEW GLASSES!!!), dentist appointment (YEAH DENTISTS!!!!! WOOOOO!!!!), a possible Theology on Tap or two (YAY FIRST TIME I CAN ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE THE TAP AT THEOLOGY ON TAP AFTER ALL THESE YEARS!!!!!!), hanging out with my sister and her husband (WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN FOR A FRICKIN YEAR BECAUSE OF CERTAIN SPECIAL CIRCUMSTANCES AND I'M SOOO EXCITED BECAUSE HE'S WAY AWESOME!!!!!), and QUEST!!!!!!!! I'm not even going to put anything in parenthesis next to QUEST because it's awesome enough to not need an explanation. I used a lot of caps in this paragraph. It's because I'm excited. And words cannot adequately describe the sheer joy I'm beginning to experience at the mere thought of sprawling out on my full-sized bed and not having any limbs fall over the edge. Perfection.
And then, after I get back, I only have... 3 weeks until I get to move into my new apartment. Yay!! I mean... Westkaemper is nice and all... but I've been here for almost an entire year... and it's getting old. A change of scenery is long overdue.
This weekend will hold many exciting experiences... including my first witnessing of a sister making her final vows/getting married to Jesus. It's going to be the wedding of the century, for sure.
PS--I juuust tried one of my apple-cinnamon muffins... and... OH MY GOODNESS. I'm impressed with myself. Glorious. And healthy!!! Yay good decisions!!!
I'm going to take a shower so I can sleep in as late as possible tomorrow. :-) Yay me. And yay you.
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